Here's the latest. Our perinatologist came in late today for a growth sono - Baby B is now 1 pound, 4 oz; we didn't get a size on Baby C but he's probably very similar or maybe even slightly bigger. The biggest concern now is with Babies A&B so we were concentrating mostly on them.
Baby A is lagging way behind and only measuring about 20 weeks in size; he is still growing for now and has a heartbeat and some breathing activity. However, his fluid is still not there which means that he likely will not survive when he is born. And if he did, depending on when they are born, he would have severe difficulties. The only positive part about the fact that he is still living is that he is helping his brothers by continuing to live and not adversely affecting the other babies; if and when his heart stops beating, he can greatly affect his identical twin, Baby B, which would warrant an immediate delivery or loss of Baby B as well. That would of course depend on when that would happen, how far along I was and if I was still not in labor. That is a decision that we hope we never have to face and we hope will be made for us, based on the activity of the babies themselves.
For now, we will continue to pray for all of the boys and hope that whatever is best for them will be. The longer I can hold out, the better for all. And the longer Baby A can hold out, the better for all. Until something happens to Baby A in utero, we will continue to press on each day.
As sad as I am over the iminent loss of Baby A, it sounds like he's a fighter and is working miracles for his baby brothers. That's my boy.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Steroids on Board!
Well, midnight last night was a big night for our boys - I got the first of two steroid shots to help develop their lungs. The second one will come tonight at midnight. That is a great milestone. I am 24 weeks today and nobody seemed to think we could buy ourselves a week when I came here last Monday. One day at a time. We saw the babies again this morning on sonogram and they all were moving around lots and looking good. They are hanging in there. I've had a quiet day so far today - so hoping for another day here. Every day I can stay pregnant is a good thing. Not much else to update ~ will keep you posted. Love to all.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Another day under our belt
I'm so sorry that I have not posted updates - there are so many reasons. The biggest reason is that until last night, I was on such heavy duty meds that I literally could not see straight. I was not able to type or see what I was typing, much less make my hands work on the keys due to dizzieness, weakness and numbness. So, the latest is...
After Monday's hospital admission, they put me on Terbutaline, a medicine to stop contractions. They were unsure what the cause of the contractions was, and frankly, they still are unsure. I stabilized fairly well on the Terb until Thursday night when all hell broke loose again. I tracked C. down at Cantlers where he was out with the guys (for future reference, cell phones don't work there, slight panic!)and he rushed to the hospital to find me contracting every 2-3 minutes and getting heavy doses of Magnesium Sulfate (MAG for short around these hospital parts). If anyone has ever been on this drug MAG, you know how nasty it is, but it works. Within a few hours, things had quieted down, however I felt like a truck had hit me and I was a useless puddle. They put in a mega bolis (IV bag) in 20 minutes, then wean the dose down gradually so your body really gets hit like a ton of bricks in a very short time. It is a smooth muscle releaser so EVERY muscle in my body was weak and limp; you just generally feel very nauseous, weak, lifeless, wrestles and sick. It was to the point that I could not even pick up a styrofoam cup of water to sip out of a straw. I could not imagine how I would ever get back to my old self. By Friday night, things were stable again and they started to back off my dosage (this is a drug given by IV) and I was starting to feel a little bit better. It was scary for my family to see me this way. I now understand how a cancer or terminally ill patient feels (in fact, a nurse here who had a cancer patient once said that her bout with MAG was worse than chemo); although I had the luxury of coming back out of it within a few days. Lucky me.
Saturday was a much better day in terms of getting back to my old self. I started eating again and feeling the babies move. I was not able to feel the babies for about 2 days which was scary in itself ~ they have been doing daily sonograms of the kids and they are still doing great. Baby A seems to be hanging in there for now but nobody seems to know this whole thing is going to play out. There are so many unknowns right now.
I get my first dose of steroids tonight for the babies lung development at midnight tonight, and my second dose tomorrow. This should help their little lungs develop a bit more quickly. We also will hopefully have another growth sonogram tomorrow to see how big they are; we're hoping they are growing well; the bigger the better. Although, they are still in a very fragile state. Tomorrow is the 24 week mark; which technically is the viability point for the babies. C. and I met with a NICU nurse for about an hour and half last night and they apparently were watching me on their contraction monitor Thursday night as everyone seemed to think that I was going to deliver then. Thank goodness I didn't realize at that time how close I was. I learned after things started to slow down when my nurse said "The NICU team was very relieved that you stabilized tonight; they were ready and had 3 beds waiting".
It's been a scary time; and literally, one HOUR at a time. My contractions are monitored all day long and watched very closely. At the slightest sign of increase, they will up the meds again and knock things down. Delivery could be today or it could be in several weeks. Nobody seems to know. And that is the hardest part. Each day seems to bring new challenges and questions.
One thing is for sure, our team of doctors have been phenomenal ~ they have taken a team approach to all of this and they are putting their heads together on things before they make any big decisions. This hospital facility is a godsend and I couldn't be in a better place.
As for visitors and phone calls - it's been really hard entertaining either. And I guess the reason is that it's very hard for me to rehash all of these details in person. Thinking about it and answering questions can be upsetting and often times causes me to start contractions. Which obviously is not a good thing. I know I'm here for the duration - nobody is comfortable with me leaving at this point; and I hope maybe this coming week I will be up for seeing some visitors other than just family. For now, I'm scrubbed out, haven't showered, am cathetarized so cannot get out of bed and generally, that makes for an ugly, icky patient. Without being able to do too much for myself, I'm having to rely on my Angel Mother to help with my personal things and my nurses. I'm at their mercy for now so outside visitors are a bit hard to plan for since I don't always know when I'll be lucky enough to have some help to get cleaned up. Chuck seems to be hanging in there OK too, although he's not getting much sleep at all these days, whether he is here staying with me or at home.
I miss everyone terribly and although I miss my life as I knew it one short week ago, this is where I need to be for now to grow these babies. Every hour they can stay with me is a blessing. We got the real deal last night about 24 week old preemies and it's VERY scary. Sure, some do really well but just as many do not. It's tough stuff. We're just putting this all in God's hands now and hoping that we are not faced with too many hard decisions - hopefully those decisions will be answered for us as we press on each hour.
Thank you for your cards, flowers, phone calls, text messages and prayers. We are amazed at the outpouring of support from so many people we don't even know that are extentions of your own families, friends, churches and communities. We know that prayers work - and we're counting on them to carry us through all of this. I will try to post as often as I can. Things seem to turn on a dime so I just never know what the next hour will bring. Know that we love you all and will stay in touch as best as we can. Thank you for everything. Love to all.
After Monday's hospital admission, they put me on Terbutaline, a medicine to stop contractions. They were unsure what the cause of the contractions was, and frankly, they still are unsure. I stabilized fairly well on the Terb until Thursday night when all hell broke loose again. I tracked C. down at Cantlers where he was out with the guys (for future reference, cell phones don't work there, slight panic!)and he rushed to the hospital to find me contracting every 2-3 minutes and getting heavy doses of Magnesium Sulfate (MAG for short around these hospital parts). If anyone has ever been on this drug MAG, you know how nasty it is, but it works. Within a few hours, things had quieted down, however I felt like a truck had hit me and I was a useless puddle. They put in a mega bolis (IV bag) in 20 minutes, then wean the dose down gradually so your body really gets hit like a ton of bricks in a very short time. It is a smooth muscle releaser so EVERY muscle in my body was weak and limp; you just generally feel very nauseous, weak, lifeless, wrestles and sick. It was to the point that I could not even pick up a styrofoam cup of water to sip out of a straw. I could not imagine how I would ever get back to my old self. By Friday night, things were stable again and they started to back off my dosage (this is a drug given by IV) and I was starting to feel a little bit better. It was scary for my family to see me this way. I now understand how a cancer or terminally ill patient feels (in fact, a nurse here who had a cancer patient once said that her bout with MAG was worse than chemo); although I had the luxury of coming back out of it within a few days. Lucky me.
Saturday was a much better day in terms of getting back to my old self. I started eating again and feeling the babies move. I was not able to feel the babies for about 2 days which was scary in itself ~ they have been doing daily sonograms of the kids and they are still doing great. Baby A seems to be hanging in there for now but nobody seems to know this whole thing is going to play out. There are so many unknowns right now.
I get my first dose of steroids tonight for the babies lung development at midnight tonight, and my second dose tomorrow. This should help their little lungs develop a bit more quickly. We also will hopefully have another growth sonogram tomorrow to see how big they are; we're hoping they are growing well; the bigger the better. Although, they are still in a very fragile state. Tomorrow is the 24 week mark; which technically is the viability point for the babies. C. and I met with a NICU nurse for about an hour and half last night and they apparently were watching me on their contraction monitor Thursday night as everyone seemed to think that I was going to deliver then. Thank goodness I didn't realize at that time how close I was. I learned after things started to slow down when my nurse said "The NICU team was very relieved that you stabilized tonight; they were ready and had 3 beds waiting".
It's been a scary time; and literally, one HOUR at a time. My contractions are monitored all day long and watched very closely. At the slightest sign of increase, they will up the meds again and knock things down. Delivery could be today or it could be in several weeks. Nobody seems to know. And that is the hardest part. Each day seems to bring new challenges and questions.
One thing is for sure, our team of doctors have been phenomenal ~ they have taken a team approach to all of this and they are putting their heads together on things before they make any big decisions. This hospital facility is a godsend and I couldn't be in a better place.
As for visitors and phone calls - it's been really hard entertaining either. And I guess the reason is that it's very hard for me to rehash all of these details in person. Thinking about it and answering questions can be upsetting and often times causes me to start contractions. Which obviously is not a good thing. I know I'm here for the duration - nobody is comfortable with me leaving at this point; and I hope maybe this coming week I will be up for seeing some visitors other than just family. For now, I'm scrubbed out, haven't showered, am cathetarized so cannot get out of bed and generally, that makes for an ugly, icky patient. Without being able to do too much for myself, I'm having to rely on my Angel Mother to help with my personal things and my nurses. I'm at their mercy for now so outside visitors are a bit hard to plan for since I don't always know when I'll be lucky enough to have some help to get cleaned up. Chuck seems to be hanging in there OK too, although he's not getting much sleep at all these days, whether he is here staying with me or at home.
I miss everyone terribly and although I miss my life as I knew it one short week ago, this is where I need to be for now to grow these babies. Every hour they can stay with me is a blessing. We got the real deal last night about 24 week old preemies and it's VERY scary. Sure, some do really well but just as many do not. It's tough stuff. We're just putting this all in God's hands now and hoping that we are not faced with too many hard decisions - hopefully those decisions will be answered for us as we press on each hour.
Thank you for your cards, flowers, phone calls, text messages and prayers. We are amazed at the outpouring of support from so many people we don't even know that are extentions of your own families, friends, churches and communities. We know that prayers work - and we're counting on them to carry us through all of this. I will try to post as often as I can. Things seem to turn on a dime so I just never know what the next hour will bring. Know that we love you all and will stay in touch as best as we can. Thank you for everything. Love to all.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
It's a Waiting Game
Well, being back in the hospital seems to be the safest and most comfortable place - for all of us. I think my last post was immediately after my perinatologist appt which was on Monday. About 7pm I started contracting fairly regularly - and they got more painful by the hour. I called my OB and he said to come on up to L&D to check things out. I was in triage for a few hours getting a series of Tributaline shots every 15 minutes which seemed to calm things down fairly well. I had a quiet night that night and then come morning on Tuesday, things started to kick up again; along with some extreme pain in my lower left flank. They did the Tributaline again (it's a series of shots every 15 minutes for an hour & then they start with pills every 4 hours). Again, it quieted things down fairly well and I am continuing on that medicine as long as it will work. Often times this medicine doesn't work for longer than 24-48 hours; if that happens, they will put me on Magnesium which is nasty - but it does the job. We just need to buy some time.
Baby A was still plugging along as of yesterday - we just pray that he keeps going a while longer for the safety of Baby B. It is inevitable that we are going to lose him so we're grieving through that now. But if we can save Baby B from being affected by his demise, that is the goal. Both Baby B & C seem to be doing well; I'm hoping for another sono today to see them again. There is no question that these little guys are fighters so I've been cheering them on lots.
As for me - we finally got the pain under control on my side - thank goodness. I've never had such pain. It appears that it was a muscle spasm in my back - probably from being on my back for the last 5 weeks; plus, the first bed I was in was horribly uncomfortable here so I've moved to a new room and a new bed (for the Longtime bedresters) where I can see sunshine all day. My nurses have been wonderful - as usual.
The current goal for us is to get to 24 weeks (next Monday) and then we'll go from there. The 24 week mark is the viability mark where the babies could survive if born. I will have the steroid shots to mature the lungs which should ultimately help them, no matter when they are born. I just heard this am from my OB that every day after the 24 week mark, there is a 6% increase in survival rate. So every day will be a blessing. My OB checked my cervix this am and found it to be tight and holding so that is always good news.
Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm not ready for visitors or phone calls quite yet - it's an emotional roller coaster at the moment and with all of the drugs that I am on, it's hard to stay awake too long. Hopefully things are leveling out a bit each day so as it becomes appropriate to have visitors, I will certainly let everyone know.
I miss being home - it's hard to be away from Chuck and my kitties but I know we are in the best place here. It's only temporary so hopefully I can hold these babies a while longer. They will have quite a journey ahead of them in NICU but this hospital has a great NICU so I know they will be in good hands here.
Baby A was still plugging along as of yesterday - we just pray that he keeps going a while longer for the safety of Baby B. It is inevitable that we are going to lose him so we're grieving through that now. But if we can save Baby B from being affected by his demise, that is the goal. Both Baby B & C seem to be doing well; I'm hoping for another sono today to see them again. There is no question that these little guys are fighters so I've been cheering them on lots.
As for me - we finally got the pain under control on my side - thank goodness. I've never had such pain. It appears that it was a muscle spasm in my back - probably from being on my back for the last 5 weeks; plus, the first bed I was in was horribly uncomfortable here so I've moved to a new room and a new bed (for the Longtime bedresters) where I can see sunshine all day. My nurses have been wonderful - as usual.
The current goal for us is to get to 24 weeks (next Monday) and then we'll go from there. The 24 week mark is the viability mark where the babies could survive if born. I will have the steroid shots to mature the lungs which should ultimately help them, no matter when they are born. I just heard this am from my OB that every day after the 24 week mark, there is a 6% increase in survival rate. So every day will be a blessing. My OB checked my cervix this am and found it to be tight and holding so that is always good news.
Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers. I'm not ready for visitors or phone calls quite yet - it's an emotional roller coaster at the moment and with all of the drugs that I am on, it's hard to stay awake too long. Hopefully things are leveling out a bit each day so as it becomes appropriate to have visitors, I will certainly let everyone know.
I miss being home - it's hard to be away from Chuck and my kitties but I know we are in the best place here. It's only temporary so hopefully I can hold these babies a while longer. They will have quite a journey ahead of them in NICU but this hospital has a great NICU so I know they will be in good hands here.
Monday, July 24, 2006
We've got a couple of one pounders!
Just a quick update ~ our appt today went fairly well. Babies B&C are a bit over a pound (1 lb, 1 oz each) at this point. Baby A is following closely at 14 oz. All looked good and had good h/b's. However, Baby A's amniotic fluid has decreased significantly. We are not sure why this has happened and my doctor is going to be talking to a specialist and his partner to pick their brains a bit. We will return later this week on Thursday to take a look at the babies again to see if anything has changed.
There is a chance that the fluid can rebuild itself which is of course what we will hope for. In the meantime, keep those prayers coming for these little guys and we're just going to hold on to Hope and try to stay positive. You can see the photos below that we got today - unfortunately with Baby A's positioning being so low in my pelvis and face down, we have not been able to get any pictures of him. Here are some pics of Baby B & C.
Until tomorrow.
There is a chance that the fluid can rebuild itself which is of course what we will hope for. In the meantime, keep those prayers coming for these little guys and we're just going to hold on to Hope and try to stay positive. You can see the photos below that we got today - unfortunately with Baby A's positioning being so low in my pelvis and face down, we have not been able to get any pictures of him. Here are some pics of Baby B & C.
Until tomorrow.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Nostalgia is a cool thing....
In writing my earlier entry, it made me so nostalgic. I started going back and reading some of my journal entries that were never blogged - I used to just randomly write (on the computer of course) when I simply felt the need to get things out. The last entry I did was three days after we found out about the triplets. It was fun to go back and read. That euphoric feeling came back. That feeling you get when you first find out you're pregnant. And at that writing, I wasn't scared. Just thankful. Thought I would copy it here - it's a fun read, and a feeling I don't ever want to forget. Here goes...
March 30, 2006
Well, wasn’t sure I would ever be writing this. About 3 days ago, on Monday, 3/27/06, we got some incredible news. Our 2nd fresh IVF worked and we are having a baby – well, not just one but THREE! OK, I’m a little freaked now and then. But so in love with you little guys already that I can’t even see straight. On the day of the u/s, we were nervous. We went into the room and while sitting there waiting for the doctor, I was a wreck. As always, Chuck was quiet, but confident that things were going to be ok. Almost immediately, they found a heartbeat. Amazing. Just a little flicker on the screen. Then there was another one. And within a few seconds they were discussing that there might be a THIRD one! Frankly, I did not even anticipate being able to see a heartbeat since I was only exactly 6 weeks on that day – normally heartbeats can’t be seen quite that early. I was just hoping to see a sac and fetal pole in the uterus – just hoping it was in the right place this time around. Boy, did that exceed ALL expectations! There was Dr. M, the sonogram tech and one of my favorite nurses, Joyce who were there.
Everyone said to be cautious. It’s still early. I was in a whirlwind. I was caught between such excitement that I had a living being (or 3) inside of me, and sheer terror that I might have to carry 3 babies. I don’t know how my body will do it, but where there is a will, there’s a way. There is a set of identical twins and one singleton. One embryo split into two. All three had good heartbeats – one was a little slower than the other two. One was 109, one was 107 and the other was 91.
I’ll never forget the look on Chuck’s face. Utter amazement and disbelief. We’ve gone from one extreme to the next – no baby to 3? How does that happen? Can we do this? Will all three of you little ones make it? Amazingly enough, I don’t feel scared. I feel confident that whatever is meant to be, will be. And we’re so blessed to have this opportunity to bring three little lives into this world with one fell swoop! It’s an unexplainable feeling really….
I’m still extremely guarded – it’s so early. And I guess I don’t really know what to think. Although I wouldn’t call it denial, I’m just not ready to accept all of it yet – not for another week or two, once we see again what is going on in there. And maybe not even then…maybe not for another couple of weeks. I’m hopeful beyond belief, but due to all that we have already been through, I’m still overly cautious. I know how quickly this can all get yanked away.
I have only told a few people – I have told my IF girlfriends who knew I was cycling. That’s it, aside from Mom & Dad and Toby & Erica. I would have preferred not to tell them yet but with all that we went through with this cycle (hyperstim etc.), there was no way to hide it. And they have only been told that there are two…not three. That is our secret for now.
Not sure when we’ll come clean on all of this and tell anyone else. Guess we’ll just continue to take it one week at a time and go from there. For now, I’m in such a special place – the love in my heart is bursting and it’s all I can think about. I only hope that you babies are safe, grow well, help me along while we do this together, keep each other company in there, love us as much as we love you – and most of all, help me know that we’re all going to be ok through this, physically. Emotionally I can handle anything – I’m just scared for all of us physically…I pray that we’re all going to be ok. I trust that we will ~ it just might be a little hairy along the way….
So far so good with symptoms. I have sore bbs, the brown belly line which appeared at about 5.5 weeks, very slight nausea occasionally (nothing that food doesn’t cure), peeing a lot, little belly that’s starting to poke out already…and best of all, that pregnant feeling. Unexplainable.
March 30, 2006
Well, wasn’t sure I would ever be writing this. About 3 days ago, on Monday, 3/27/06, we got some incredible news. Our 2nd fresh IVF worked and we are having a baby – well, not just one but THREE! OK, I’m a little freaked now and then. But so in love with you little guys already that I can’t even see straight. On the day of the u/s, we were nervous. We went into the room and while sitting there waiting for the doctor, I was a wreck. As always, Chuck was quiet, but confident that things were going to be ok. Almost immediately, they found a heartbeat. Amazing. Just a little flicker on the screen. Then there was another one. And within a few seconds they were discussing that there might be a THIRD one! Frankly, I did not even anticipate being able to see a heartbeat since I was only exactly 6 weeks on that day – normally heartbeats can’t be seen quite that early. I was just hoping to see a sac and fetal pole in the uterus – just hoping it was in the right place this time around. Boy, did that exceed ALL expectations! There was Dr. M, the sonogram tech and one of my favorite nurses, Joyce who were there.
Everyone said to be cautious. It’s still early. I was in a whirlwind. I was caught between such excitement that I had a living being (or 3) inside of me, and sheer terror that I might have to carry 3 babies. I don’t know how my body will do it, but where there is a will, there’s a way. There is a set of identical twins and one singleton. One embryo split into two. All three had good heartbeats – one was a little slower than the other two. One was 109, one was 107 and the other was 91.
I’ll never forget the look on Chuck’s face. Utter amazement and disbelief. We’ve gone from one extreme to the next – no baby to 3? How does that happen? Can we do this? Will all three of you little ones make it? Amazingly enough, I don’t feel scared. I feel confident that whatever is meant to be, will be. And we’re so blessed to have this opportunity to bring three little lives into this world with one fell swoop! It’s an unexplainable feeling really….
I’m still extremely guarded – it’s so early. And I guess I don’t really know what to think. Although I wouldn’t call it denial, I’m just not ready to accept all of it yet – not for another week or two, once we see again what is going on in there. And maybe not even then…maybe not for another couple of weeks. I’m hopeful beyond belief, but due to all that we have already been through, I’m still overly cautious. I know how quickly this can all get yanked away.
I have only told a few people – I have told my IF girlfriends who knew I was cycling. That’s it, aside from Mom & Dad and Toby & Erica. I would have preferred not to tell them yet but with all that we went through with this cycle (hyperstim etc.), there was no way to hide it. And they have only been told that there are two…not three. That is our secret for now.
Not sure when we’ll come clean on all of this and tell anyone else. Guess we’ll just continue to take it one week at a time and go from there. For now, I’m in such a special place – the love in my heart is bursting and it’s all I can think about. I only hope that you babies are safe, grow well, help me along while we do this together, keep each other company in there, love us as much as we love you – and most of all, help me know that we’re all going to be ok through this, physically. Emotionally I can handle anything – I’m just scared for all of us physically…I pray that we’re all going to be ok. I trust that we will ~ it just might be a little hairy along the way….
So far so good with symptoms. I have sore bbs, the brown belly line which appeared at about 5.5 weeks, very slight nausea occasionally (nothing that food doesn’t cure), peeing a lot, little belly that’s starting to poke out already…and best of all, that pregnant feeling. Unexplainable.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother – A promise
There are women who become mothers without effort. And although they are wonderful mothers and love their children immensely, I know that I will be a better Mom than I would have been had I not endured the trials I have had over the last 3 years.
I will be a better mother not because of genetics, money, or that I have read better books, but because I have struggled and toiled for these kids. I have longed and waited, having lost three babies along the way. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my children.
I will take the time to watch my children sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sounds of my children, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed and that I am not waking because of my own nightmares and crying tears of a broken dream-My dream will be crying for me.
I have been given an insight, a special vision with which I will look upon my children. A vision that my friends may not see. I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better Aunt, a better Wife, a better Daughter, Neighbor, friend, and Sister because I have known pain, known disillusionment, been betrayed by my own body and been tried by a fire that many will never face. And given time, I stood tall.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding mine, of others eyes that cry as they accept harsh truths, when life is beyond hard. Life’s lessons are often hard, but they lead to wonderful things. Through struggle, we learn compassion, caring, love and strength. Those lessons are invaluable as we go forward in life. I do not regret one second of my struggles, as there have been so many lessons along the way.
And for those who stood by me through this time, I’m forever grateful. The support of loved ones is such a comfort – I only hope I can repay it someday. Someday I will look back at the fertility struggle and it will be a memory. But I certainly will never forget how it touched my life; and I hope I never lose sight of helping others through similar struggles. Infertility is a very private, scary and daunting world. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My fellow sisters who are still struggling, don’t give up the fight. That reward is out there – just when you think you can’t do it any longer, you CAN. Dig deep.
Below is something I journaled in January 2006 - I wasn't blogging then but just came across it this morning as I was cleaning out old files. I think I'll hold on to this one. I guess things have come around - but as I said earlier, infertility cuts deep and that is just something that will forever be a part of me.
How do you do it? How do you keep going on and keep trying? How do you seem so OK? These are the questions my dear friends ask. But, really, most others don’t ask or say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes that’s ok with me. Other days, it’s not ok. Depends.
It's inevitable: if ever there is a moment when I'm not thinking about children (or my lack thereof), right then a healthy normal woman will sashay by with a stroller and a baby on the hip, and my tiny bubble of peaceful distraction pops, like an ambulance at a picnic. Then the nagging is back. The nagging to eat better, to take my prenatal vitamins, to give myself my shots, to get that f/u appointment, to call the insurance company again. Oh, and send a gift and a card to the latest baby that was born over the last week or two. There have been 42 pregnancies announced amongst my friends & family since we started this journey in the fall of 2003. Yes, I’ve kept track of them; on a list. So, as you can imagine, there have been almost that many babies born, with the exception of those who are still in utero waiting to make their appearance. That’s a lot of baby announcements, baby showers & births. Not to mention the plethora of Christmas cards that come bearing photos of the rapidly growing families around us; while ours stays small, with just the two of us and the cats. We’re stuck.
If it's not nagging, it's worse. Will it ever be me? Will the babies around me ever stop coming? Will I exhaust my husband's good will & patience? Will our bank account survive the costs? Will our doctor give up on us? I'd like to ring that pony-tailed woman's neck for having everything that I want and cannot have. But alas, it’s not her fault. And I don’t begrudge her for wanting a family – afterall, it’s what we all want. It’s just that some of us take the hard road to get there – if we get there at all.
That's what it's like when you're living it, when infertility crosses over from the “I hope I can get pregnant easily when I want to” to the spiky trap you can't wiggle out of. Although I haven’t crossed over to the ‘fertile’ world yet, my bitterness has changed to thankfulness. My pain endures but is in a different category now. My patience are stronger than ever, and my endurance is endless. Somehow I feel empowered by those little angels that I’ve lost and that watch me from heaven. I really am a Mom, in some sense of the word.
Every baby is a miracle. A friend said that to me early in my journey and I appreciate those words the most of any that were ever spoken to me. Babies warm me. They remind me of the long road we’ve been down. They give me reason to keep trying for my own. They are innocent little miracles that cannot live without the loving hands of a mother and father.
I’ve learned so much. I have found new friends, that I would never have known had I not lost babies. I have found a new fond appreciation for my husband and his humor, love and caring ways. He’s a hero. We have had the occasion to love each other with a tenderness that the everyday hustle of life just doesn't afford. We ARE parents. Just not in this life, yet.
I don't know why we can't find these realizations under ordinary circumstances, or why it seems corny to make a toast to friendship at a dinner party or why it seems odd to hug your friend extra long and tell them that you love them or why people would think you were drunk if you got misty listening to good, live music. But I do know that that is the role of hardship. And I do know that those who dare to show up on the doorstep of hardship are the ones who get to learn these lessons.
So, this year, when I look back on the road that seems so long, there are many times when a nice feeling comes over me. I know something I didn't know last year. I met people I didn’t know last year. I loved more than I did last year. I appreciated more than I did last year. I smile. Sometimes I choke up, in the good way. I thank God that I have learned this lesson
I will be a better mother not because of genetics, money, or that I have read better books, but because I have struggled and toiled for these kids. I have longed and waited, having lost three babies along the way. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my children.
I will take the time to watch my children sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sounds of my children, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed and that I am not waking because of my own nightmares and crying tears of a broken dream-My dream will be crying for me.
I have been given an insight, a special vision with which I will look upon my children. A vision that my friends may not see. I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better Aunt, a better Wife, a better Daughter, Neighbor, friend, and Sister because I have known pain, known disillusionment, been betrayed by my own body and been tried by a fire that many will never face. And given time, I stood tall.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding mine, of others eyes that cry as they accept harsh truths, when life is beyond hard. Life’s lessons are often hard, but they lead to wonderful things. Through struggle, we learn compassion, caring, love and strength. Those lessons are invaluable as we go forward in life. I do not regret one second of my struggles, as there have been so many lessons along the way.
And for those who stood by me through this time, I’m forever grateful. The support of loved ones is such a comfort – I only hope I can repay it someday. Someday I will look back at the fertility struggle and it will be a memory. But I certainly will never forget how it touched my life; and I hope I never lose sight of helping others through similar struggles. Infertility is a very private, scary and daunting world. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My fellow sisters who are still struggling, don’t give up the fight. That reward is out there – just when you think you can’t do it any longer, you CAN. Dig deep.
Below is something I journaled in January 2006 - I wasn't blogging then but just came across it this morning as I was cleaning out old files. I think I'll hold on to this one. I guess things have come around - but as I said earlier, infertility cuts deep and that is just something that will forever be a part of me.
How do you do it? How do you keep going on and keep trying? How do you seem so OK? These are the questions my dear friends ask. But, really, most others don’t ask or say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes that’s ok with me. Other days, it’s not ok. Depends.
It's inevitable: if ever there is a moment when I'm not thinking about children (or my lack thereof), right then a healthy normal woman will sashay by with a stroller and a baby on the hip, and my tiny bubble of peaceful distraction pops, like an ambulance at a picnic. Then the nagging is back. The nagging to eat better, to take my prenatal vitamins, to give myself my shots, to get that f/u appointment, to call the insurance company again. Oh, and send a gift and a card to the latest baby that was born over the last week or two. There have been 42 pregnancies announced amongst my friends & family since we started this journey in the fall of 2003. Yes, I’ve kept track of them; on a list. So, as you can imagine, there have been almost that many babies born, with the exception of those who are still in utero waiting to make their appearance. That’s a lot of baby announcements, baby showers & births. Not to mention the plethora of Christmas cards that come bearing photos of the rapidly growing families around us; while ours stays small, with just the two of us and the cats. We’re stuck.
If it's not nagging, it's worse. Will it ever be me? Will the babies around me ever stop coming? Will I exhaust my husband's good will & patience? Will our bank account survive the costs? Will our doctor give up on us? I'd like to ring that pony-tailed woman's neck for having everything that I want and cannot have. But alas, it’s not her fault. And I don’t begrudge her for wanting a family – afterall, it’s what we all want. It’s just that some of us take the hard road to get there – if we get there at all.
That's what it's like when you're living it, when infertility crosses over from the “I hope I can get pregnant easily when I want to” to the spiky trap you can't wiggle out of. Although I haven’t crossed over to the ‘fertile’ world yet, my bitterness has changed to thankfulness. My pain endures but is in a different category now. My patience are stronger than ever, and my endurance is endless. Somehow I feel empowered by those little angels that I’ve lost and that watch me from heaven. I really am a Mom, in some sense of the word.
Every baby is a miracle. A friend said that to me early in my journey and I appreciate those words the most of any that were ever spoken to me. Babies warm me. They remind me of the long road we’ve been down. They give me reason to keep trying for my own. They are innocent little miracles that cannot live without the loving hands of a mother and father.
I’ve learned so much. I have found new friends, that I would never have known had I not lost babies. I have found a new fond appreciation for my husband and his humor, love and caring ways. He’s a hero. We have had the occasion to love each other with a tenderness that the everyday hustle of life just doesn't afford. We ARE parents. Just not in this life, yet.
I don't know why we can't find these realizations under ordinary circumstances, or why it seems corny to make a toast to friendship at a dinner party or why it seems odd to hug your friend extra long and tell them that you love them or why people would think you were drunk if you got misty listening to good, live music. But I do know that that is the role of hardship. And I do know that those who dare to show up on the doorstep of hardship are the ones who get to learn these lessons.
So, this year, when I look back on the road that seems so long, there are many times when a nice feeling comes over me. I know something I didn't know last year. I met people I didn’t know last year. I loved more than I did last year. I appreciated more than I did last year. I smile. Sometimes I choke up, in the good way. I thank God that I have learned this lesson
Saturday, July 22, 2006
A Treat A Day keeps the Doctor Away...
So how cute is this idea? A few of my bunco pals came over yesterday for a visit - and they came in with all of these bags! Well, the object is that every little string that you see hanging out of the bag has a present attached to the other end. And each day, I get to pick one out. So, there is one bag for me, the mom-to-be and two bags for the babies. How fun!!!
I didn't open one yesterday so today will be my first one. And they said, on "blue" days, meaning the not-so-good, slow days, pick two! I'll have to savor this and draw it out as long as I can. It's such a cute idea and gives me something to look forward to every day. This is definitely a keeper idea ~ one I'll have to use again for my next bedrested or sick friend. I just pulled out my first one and it was baby toothbrushes!
Thank goodness for the bunco gals - their outpouring of support has been awesome and so heartwarming. A big huge thanks to them for many days to come of fun gift opening!
I didn't open one yesterday so today will be my first one. And they said, on "blue" days, meaning the not-so-good, slow days, pick two! I'll have to savor this and draw it out as long as I can. It's such a cute idea and gives me something to look forward to every day. This is definitely a keeper idea ~ one I'll have to use again for my next bedrested or sick friend. I just pulled out my first one and it was baby toothbrushes!
Thank goodness for the bunco gals - their outpouring of support has been awesome and so heartwarming. A big huge thanks to them for many days to come of fun gift opening!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Fridays
It's Friday again. Another week down. You know, I used to LIVE for Fridays - heck, I used to live for the weekends in general! But as of late, with my new routine, the weeks go so much faster than the weekends. And they seem to be much more fun! I guess it's because during the week I know I can try to keep up with some work stuff, lots of buddies on line, visitors are in and out all day, tv is better (believe it or not), more to look forward to. Weekends are slower for some reason.
I'll have arm myself with more to do over the weekends to keep busy and make the time pass faster. Movies are always a good option I guess. Someday in the not too distant future we'll look forward to weekends again. I never would have guessed that I would not look forward to the weekend...my how quickly things can change!
Looking forward to a fun pizza dinner tonight with Mom & Dad - other than that, not much else on the agenda. I think it might be a rainy weekend anyway so at least I won't be wishing I was outdoors!
I'll have arm myself with more to do over the weekends to keep busy and make the time pass faster. Movies are always a good option I guess. Someday in the not too distant future we'll look forward to weekends again. I never would have guessed that I would not look forward to the weekend...my how quickly things can change!
Looking forward to a fun pizza dinner tonight with Mom & Dad - other than that, not much else on the agenda. I think it might be a rainy weekend anyway so at least I won't be wishing I was outdoors!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
One of the Perks of Bedrest (and there are some!)
How many times have you been to a doctors appointment in the middle of the day and waited an hour or more for your appt since the patients got backed up? Personally, almost every time I've been to the doctor in my life, they are NEVER on time. Well, let me tell you a little secret. JUST TELL THEM YOU'RE ON BEDREST and you'll get right in!
Here's the story from today. BTW, doc appt went great. Cervix has not changed since surgery, which is music to my ears. I'm back home resting in bed and have never been happier to be here. The bed rest is working! The babies looked good, although a quick glimpse was all we got. Anyway...let me try to give you a visual on this (wishing I took my camera so we had a photo of the "double wide"). Thank God for humor - I am so unraveled when I have to leave my safe bed ~ although I enjoy the opportunity to get out, doctors appointments are VERY nerve wracking. I never know if I'm coming back home or getting wheeled over to another upside down bed. That said, it's always good to have funny things happen along the way to lighten the load a bit and forget about the "what if's".
So, here's the funniest part. We pull up out in front of the doctors office (which is jam packed with cars waiting for the valet guy) and Mom runs in to get a wheelchair. Low and behold, she comes out with an extra wide wheelchair, that barely fits through the doors. Needless to say, Mom and I both could have fit in this wheelchair together. And it even had one of those long IV poles sticking up in the back; now THAT is a good look for a seemingly normal woman riding in a wheelchair. Not to mention that obviously the person who was in it before me had a bum leg because the left leg was elevated and sticking straight out. We couldn't figure out how to put it down so we just rolled with it - literally. This also made it a little trickier to get around corners since the leg was sticking out in front. There wasn't a corner we missed clipping on the way up to the 2nd floor. No offense Mom - you're getting better every time. Of course, we laughed every time we hit something. I just tried to keep my hands and feet inside so we didn't have any further casualties. For any of you Seinfeld fans, this was totally like a Seinfeld episode. LOL.
Once we got into the doctors office (which apparently is not made for double wide wheelchairs) they started wheeling me back, after jockying around a few short corners. My favorite nurse (the one who kindly wheeled me to the hospital three weeks ago) saw us coming down the hall and quickly commented by saying "oh wow, where did you get THAT fancy wheelchair?". I had to laugh. Within 5 minutes, they had me weighed, took my blood pressure and I was in a room, on a bed, waiting for Doctor H. Such service!
It was a quick appointment and then we were back out of there - less than 30 minutes. Dr. H even said, no need to stop at the desk on the way out - just keep on rolling. The moral of the story, bedrest patients get preferential treatment, as they should! I'm proud to say, I was treated like a queen and rather enjoyed it!
So, next time you're short on time and need to get in and out of a doc appt:
1. Take someone with you
2. Valet the car
3. Find a wheelchair for yourself and have your friend push you in
4. Bump into as many walls and corners as you can on the way into the doctors office.
5. Make strangers hold the doors for you.
6. Ignore all of the people that stare at you on the way past, wondering what could possibly be wrong with you since you look normal;
7. Tell them you need a bed immediately since you're not supposed to be walking or sitting up for any length of time;
*And I guarantee that you'll be out of there in 40 minutes or less - and that's a promise!
Here's the story from today. BTW, doc appt went great. Cervix has not changed since surgery, which is music to my ears. I'm back home resting in bed and have never been happier to be here. The bed rest is working! The babies looked good, although a quick glimpse was all we got. Anyway...let me try to give you a visual on this (wishing I took my camera so we had a photo of the "double wide"). Thank God for humor - I am so unraveled when I have to leave my safe bed ~ although I enjoy the opportunity to get out, doctors appointments are VERY nerve wracking. I never know if I'm coming back home or getting wheeled over to another upside down bed. That said, it's always good to have funny things happen along the way to lighten the load a bit and forget about the "what if's".
So, here's the funniest part. We pull up out in front of the doctors office (which is jam packed with cars waiting for the valet guy) and Mom runs in to get a wheelchair. Low and behold, she comes out with an extra wide wheelchair, that barely fits through the doors. Needless to say, Mom and I both could have fit in this wheelchair together. And it even had one of those long IV poles sticking up in the back; now THAT is a good look for a seemingly normal woman riding in a wheelchair. Not to mention that obviously the person who was in it before me had a bum leg because the left leg was elevated and sticking straight out. We couldn't figure out how to put it down so we just rolled with it - literally. This also made it a little trickier to get around corners since the leg was sticking out in front. There wasn't a corner we missed clipping on the way up to the 2nd floor. No offense Mom - you're getting better every time. Of course, we laughed every time we hit something. I just tried to keep my hands and feet inside so we didn't have any further casualties. For any of you Seinfeld fans, this was totally like a Seinfeld episode. LOL.
Once we got into the doctors office (which apparently is not made for double wide wheelchairs) they started wheeling me back, after jockying around a few short corners. My favorite nurse (the one who kindly wheeled me to the hospital three weeks ago) saw us coming down the hall and quickly commented by saying "oh wow, where did you get THAT fancy wheelchair?". I had to laugh. Within 5 minutes, they had me weighed, took my blood pressure and I was in a room, on a bed, waiting for Doctor H. Such service!
It was a quick appointment and then we were back out of there - less than 30 minutes. Dr. H even said, no need to stop at the desk on the way out - just keep on rolling. The moral of the story, bedrest patients get preferential treatment, as they should! I'm proud to say, I was treated like a queen and rather enjoyed it!
So, next time you're short on time and need to get in and out of a doc appt:
1. Take someone with you
2. Valet the car
3. Find a wheelchair for yourself and have your friend push you in
4. Bump into as many walls and corners as you can on the way into the doctors office.
5. Make strangers hold the doors for you.
6. Ignore all of the people that stare at you on the way past, wondering what could possibly be wrong with you since you look normal;
7. Tell them you need a bed immediately since you're not supposed to be walking or sitting up for any length of time;
*And I guarantee that you'll be out of there in 40 minutes or less - and that's a promise!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Freebies
So, whoever told me about FREE diapers and formula for triplets FOR A YEAR must have been exaggerating! One of the activities that was reserved for my bedrest days was to solicit baby companies about their "Multiple Birth Programs". I spent several hours yesterday making phone calls to many of the companies inquiring about whether they offer free things or discounts for triplets.
Much to my surprise, some of them have recently discontinued their multiple birth programs - probably since the incidence of twins and trips is so much higher these days. They were probably losing money hand over fist giving things away. What I did find though is that many companies are willing to send coupons and free trial size things. But they need copies of the birth certificates; which makes sense. So, I'll get all of my envelopes stamped, addressed and ready to go and then all we need to do is make copies of the birth certificates and send them out.
As I was calling and sitting on hold, I was thinking of the mass amounts of diapers and formula that we'll be going through. Pampers and most of the formula companies have home delivery services - you can bet we'll be doing that! So, I'm figuring that we'll be going through AT LEAST one large can of formula mix PER DAY, and over 35 diapers a day. Holy crap (literally). That's so absurd it actually makes me laugh. We'll be mixing formula in gallon jugs each day and heating it as needed (and yes, despite the warnings NOT to use the microwave for heating bottles, we'll be balking at the paranoia and doing it anyway). Feeding will be quite a frenzy around here, I'm sure!
Someone suggested calling some of the local grocery stores to see if they offer any discounts for local multiples. Not sure if I'll get gutsy enough to do that but we'll see. Any help would be great so might be worth a shot. It's amazing that there are some good offers out there in this day and age - as we all well know, NOTHING is for free anymore!
Much to my surprise, some of them have recently discontinued their multiple birth programs - probably since the incidence of twins and trips is so much higher these days. They were probably losing money hand over fist giving things away. What I did find though is that many companies are willing to send coupons and free trial size things. But they need copies of the birth certificates; which makes sense. So, I'll get all of my envelopes stamped, addressed and ready to go and then all we need to do is make copies of the birth certificates and send them out.
As I was calling and sitting on hold, I was thinking of the mass amounts of diapers and formula that we'll be going through. Pampers and most of the formula companies have home delivery services - you can bet we'll be doing that! So, I'm figuring that we'll be going through AT LEAST one large can of formula mix PER DAY, and over 35 diapers a day. Holy crap (literally). That's so absurd it actually makes me laugh. We'll be mixing formula in gallon jugs each day and heating it as needed (and yes, despite the warnings NOT to use the microwave for heating bottles, we'll be balking at the paranoia and doing it anyway). Feeding will be quite a frenzy around here, I'm sure!
Someone suggested calling some of the local grocery stores to see if they offer any discounts for local multiples. Not sure if I'll get gutsy enough to do that but we'll see. Any help would be great so might be worth a shot. It's amazing that there are some good offers out there in this day and age - as we all well know, NOTHING is for free anymore!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
MOMs - Mom's of Multiples
The multiples resources here in town are endless - I'm learning this every day. I joined the local MOMs group a few weeks after I found out I was expecting trips. And then never heard anything for quite a while. Now I'm starting to hear from so many people in this group and it's so comforting! Last week I heard from a triplet Mom of girls who called to welcome me to the club and make sure I knew I was now a "real" member. She put me in touch with another new Mom of triplet boys who are just 9 weeks old. We chatted that day for over an hour. Our stories are identical - she and her husband went through all of the fertility stuff that we went through, and she has two identicals and one non-identical from her 2nd fresh IVF cycle. She saw all of the same doctors that I am seeing - and she made it! Her boys were born at almost 34 weeks and they did great. Although she never went on bedrest, she had lots of problems throughout the pregnancy so true to form, another eventful triplet pregnancy for the books. I've come to realize that it's very rare to have an uneventful triplet pregnancy.
This morning I got yet another mail from a different Mom's member who has matched me up with a "big sister" named Kathleen who has triplets that are just over 2. I'm not sure if they are all boys, all girls or mixed. But I can't wait to talk to her. I feel so lucky to have these resources; I can't wait to someday be able to return the favor for some new lucky Mom of triplets. I've heard so many wonderful stories about the support of this group so feel so honored to be a part of it!
This morning I got yet another mail from a different Mom's member who has matched me up with a "big sister" named Kathleen who has triplets that are just over 2. I'm not sure if they are all boys, all girls or mixed. But I can't wait to talk to her. I feel so lucky to have these resources; I can't wait to someday be able to return the favor for some new lucky Mom of triplets. I've heard so many wonderful stories about the support of this group so feel so honored to be a part of it!
When is the right time?
I'm struggling a bit over the last few days with when to bring the baby furniture home and finish the nursery. The room is about half done right now - and nothing much has been done since this whole bedrest madness. But all of the furniture is in (at my office, where I had it shipped), just not at home yet. Something is telling me to hold off a little longer before we (ha, I say "we" like I'm going to be doing this myself!) bring it home. I guess I feel like we're not over the big hump yet and what if we don't make it over the big hump and something happens? Am I being too cautious? Although I'm not pessimistic and I have no reason to believe that we're not going to make it, how come I can't just get to the place where I'm OK to bring it all in and start getting the boys little haven all ready for them? I'm so happy with everything in there so far and I just know it's all going to come together and be just how I picture it.
I've had dreams about the babies the last two nights...and they have been good dreams; where they are actually here and healthy. Some funny irrational things have plagued the dreams which make me laugh, but that's what dreams are all about I guess.
Anyway, the dresser, cribs and glider are sitting in Grampy's office, waiting to come home. I'm sure it's quite the conversation piece when people have walked into his office. Nothing like having a baby dresser, glider and three cribs stored in your office. When is the right time? As excited as I am to get it all put together, there is something holding me back. I hate that. And I can't stop wavering between having the guys bring it home and not. This wishy washy feeling is the worst! And it's not like me. Usually I'm a good, fast decision maker and I don't look back. This one has me stumped. I guess I'll know when it's time. We'll just wait a little bit longer until that answer becomes clear.
BTW, Week 22 and counting. Next doc appt is not until Thursday this week so a few more days before the next update. We're hanging tight until then. And getting bigger by the day!!!
I've had dreams about the babies the last two nights...and they have been good dreams; where they are actually here and healthy. Some funny irrational things have plagued the dreams which make me laugh, but that's what dreams are all about I guess.
Anyway, the dresser, cribs and glider are sitting in Grampy's office, waiting to come home. I'm sure it's quite the conversation piece when people have walked into his office. Nothing like having a baby dresser, glider and three cribs stored in your office. When is the right time? As excited as I am to get it all put together, there is something holding me back. I hate that. And I can't stop wavering between having the guys bring it home and not. This wishy washy feeling is the worst! And it's not like me. Usually I'm a good, fast decision maker and I don't look back. This one has me stumped. I guess I'll know when it's time. We'll just wait a little bit longer until that answer becomes clear.
BTW, Week 22 and counting. Next doc appt is not until Thursday this week so a few more days before the next update. We're hanging tight until then. And getting bigger by the day!!!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Sunday Ramblings
Well, almost another week down. Have I mentioned how thankful I am to be passing these weeks at home? Only about a million times, I know. It's been a very quiet weekend ~ not much going on; not many visitors this weekend. Although I always love to see a smiling face, it's also nice to have some quiet time. Both sets of parents are away for the weekend so it's just C. & I.
Unfortunately, C. is under the weather and fighting a fever. I feel terrible that I cannot be a help to him - and he feels so yucky but has to continue to wait on me. It's just not my nature not to be able to help him but there isn't much I can do. And frankly, it's not a great idea to be around him anyway - that is the last thing we need is to have me get sick. Personally, I think that he's just run himself into the ground and isn't getting enough rest. He's stressed with work and with what we have going on here at home and he's not taking very good care of himself. We have this "chat" about every 3 months about how he needs to slow down and take better care of himself. I need to convince him to start stock piling sleep now ~ he's forgetting what his going to happen to his sleep in a few short months.
So, speaking of the parents being away for the weekend, Mom and Dad are away celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary. What a milestone!! So awesome. I'm so proud of them for reaching the 40 year mark. Since they canceled their vacation plans to Breckenridge in light of our situation (I'm forever indebted to both of them for not leaving), I am so glad that they at least took the weekend to do something fun together to celebrate. It warms my heart.
Boy, Sunday morning tv pretty much sucks. I have found that aside from the movie I watched yesterday, FAMILY STONE (cute movie, BTW), the tv has been on MTV most of the weekend. Call me crazy but I'm totally addicted to Laguna Beach and The Hills. Mind you, this happened before bed rest. But all that seems to be on this weekend is Cheyenne - like hours and hours of it! She's that upcoming young hottie 16 year old singer who is traveling across country with her parents in a tour bus. I really just need to turn off the tv I guess. I refuse to fall into the "tv trap" while home here for so many weeks. Gotta keep the brain stimulated.
I've gotten through a few good books over the last few days. Reading is such a great escape. James Patterson has taken me through some of my toughest times over the last few years! Cathy Kelly also has written a few good chick books - been reading those too and it's a strange comfort to read about other people's issues rather than concentrating on your own. Know what I mean?
OK, enough Sunday rambling. Until tomorrow...
Unfortunately, C. is under the weather and fighting a fever. I feel terrible that I cannot be a help to him - and he feels so yucky but has to continue to wait on me. It's just not my nature not to be able to help him but there isn't much I can do. And frankly, it's not a great idea to be around him anyway - that is the last thing we need is to have me get sick. Personally, I think that he's just run himself into the ground and isn't getting enough rest. He's stressed with work and with what we have going on here at home and he's not taking very good care of himself. We have this "chat" about every 3 months about how he needs to slow down and take better care of himself. I need to convince him to start stock piling sleep now ~ he's forgetting what his going to happen to his sleep in a few short months.
So, speaking of the parents being away for the weekend, Mom and Dad are away celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary. What a milestone!! So awesome. I'm so proud of them for reaching the 40 year mark. Since they canceled their vacation plans to Breckenridge in light of our situation (I'm forever indebted to both of them for not leaving), I am so glad that they at least took the weekend to do something fun together to celebrate. It warms my heart.
Boy, Sunday morning tv pretty much sucks. I have found that aside from the movie I watched yesterday, FAMILY STONE (cute movie, BTW), the tv has been on MTV most of the weekend. Call me crazy but I'm totally addicted to Laguna Beach and The Hills. Mind you, this happened before bed rest. But all that seems to be on this weekend is Cheyenne - like hours and hours of it! She's that upcoming young hottie 16 year old singer who is traveling across country with her parents in a tour bus. I really just need to turn off the tv I guess. I refuse to fall into the "tv trap" while home here for so many weeks. Gotta keep the brain stimulated.
I've gotten through a few good books over the last few days. Reading is such a great escape. James Patterson has taken me through some of my toughest times over the last few years! Cathy Kelly also has written a few good chick books - been reading those too and it's a strange comfort to read about other people's issues rather than concentrating on your own. Know what I mean?
OK, enough Sunday rambling. Until tomorrow...
Friday, July 14, 2006
The Logistics of Bedrest
Well, the days really seem to be going by quickly, I’m so thankful for that. When people have called and asked if I’m bored, I ponder for a second and usually can honestly say, nope, not at all. So I started thinking about what I do with my day; thought it might be fun to share a day in the life of a “bedrester”.
6:45am – Alarm goes off; I usually spend 20-30 minutes trying to wake C. up; meanwhile, I’ve been being badgered by Gus since 5:30 or so to eat breakfast. He just doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot get up to feed him any longer. He has to wait for Daddy.
7:15 – When C. gets up, I usually mosey over to my “day room” and wait for my cute hubby to bring me my breakfast in bed. I guess I should savor this too since I’m not sure I’ll ever get breakfast in bed again after this….. I spend this few minutes trying to get the kinks out of my legs and back from a long nights sleep – believe me, the body starts feeling “old” really quick when you’re not up and about all day.
After breakfast, I turn on my computer and check my email. Normally I respond to a few messages and do a few things on line. By about 9:00 or so, I motivate to take a shower. This is quite a production in itself. It’s amazing how you learn to think ahead while on the way to do something. In order to minimize time on my feet, I shed my pj's and grab my clothes for the day on my way to the shower and place everything there on the bathroom vanity.
Having a seat in the shower is a godsend so really, I don’t have to do much standing. But let me ask, have you ever tried to take a shower sitting down? Now that is a new experience. Leaning forward to rinse your hair is not exactly ideal – but it works. For now, I’m barely able to bend over to shave my legs – I know my days are numbered with this. I give myself a 10 minute limit in the shower and I’m outta there. My hairdryer is set up outside the bathroom and I just sit on the floor and dry my hair. Then it’s back to bed. All in all, usually a 20-25 minute deal. But boy, does it feel good to be clean and fresh!
So, around 10am, I catch Access Hollywood while I sit in bed and primp (you know, pluck stray hairs, put on a little mascara etc.) a bit. Nothing like hearing about Brangelina and Brittany Spears every day. It’s amazing what makes news these days isn’t it? Kinda sickening actually. Anyway, topic for another day.
By around 11:00, I check email again, and await my first visitor for the day. Somebody is usually here to make me lunch (this sounds so spoiled doesn’t it?). It’s always good to see a smiling face and chit chat for a bit.
After lunch, the tv selection really gets bad. If nobody is here, I usually read (trashy love novels or good fiction, I gave up the pregnancy books for a while) and putter on the computer (update my blog) for a few hours until about mid-afternoon, when Dr. Phil and Oprah come on. By the time Oprah is over at 5, it’s almost time for C. to get home.
Once C. gets home, we eat dinner – he sometimes eats with me and sometimes not; which is ok with me. Since meals started coming in every other day from friends, it’s always fun to have a new meal to look forward to. By around 8pm, once he has finished the house errands and stuff, he comes up to hang with me and watch tv for a while. We usually go back into our bedroom to bed around 10/11pm. And pray for a good nights sleep.
Throughout the day, my gracious friends & family call to check in and I make various appointments for house stuff or doctors. With weekly doctors appointments, I’m always shuffling something around or the doctors are calling to change appointments due to emergency surgeries etc. Actually, the phone seems to ring all day long.
The modern day conveniences & internet make life so easy from bed. I can pay all of my bills on line, order my library books on line, order movies on line, look up anything and everything that I ever wanted to look up; order groceries on line (we haven’t done this yet b/c C. thinks that it’s too risky to have a delivery man come here when I’m here alone – paranoid). But the on line grocery shopping is something I will definitely be doing once the kids arrive! Even our dry cleaner and water service picks up and delivers weekly for free. Epitome of lazy for the average person but if you are stuck in bed, it’s truly a blessing to have such services available. I can’t imagine what women did in the old days when they were on bedrest.
One day a week I get to look forward to going out of the house for a doc appt. I can’t drive myself so Mom is usually the lucky one to taxi me there. I lay down in the car on the way there (bumpy ride for the boys) and then she commandeers a wheelchair to take me in. It’s usually a quick visit, and then back to the car and home to bed. I’ve never appreciated fresh air so much as I do on those days! Just to see the sunshine and take a few deep breaths of fresh air is rejuvenating. Even in the sweltering summer heat.
So there you have it…nothing fancy. As I put it all into words, I do realize that I keep rather busy all day long; it’s really not so bad. One of the plus’s for now is that I’m still not THAT uncomfortably big yet – I think that is coming. Occasionally I get a foot in the ribcage or a twinge in my side but it’s only temporary. From what I hear, I’m going to get pretty large and the belly gets more unmanageable every week. We’ll just keep plugging away though and hope for the best. If all of the weeks go this fast, I’ll be psyched! 22 Weeks on Monday - almost 3 weeks down.
6:45am – Alarm goes off; I usually spend 20-30 minutes trying to wake C. up; meanwhile, I’ve been being badgered by Gus since 5:30 or so to eat breakfast. He just doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot get up to feed him any longer. He has to wait for Daddy.
7:15 – When C. gets up, I usually mosey over to my “day room” and wait for my cute hubby to bring me my breakfast in bed. I guess I should savor this too since I’m not sure I’ll ever get breakfast in bed again after this….. I spend this few minutes trying to get the kinks out of my legs and back from a long nights sleep – believe me, the body starts feeling “old” really quick when you’re not up and about all day.
After breakfast, I turn on my computer and check my email. Normally I respond to a few messages and do a few things on line. By about 9:00 or so, I motivate to take a shower. This is quite a production in itself. It’s amazing how you learn to think ahead while on the way to do something. In order to minimize time on my feet, I shed my pj's and grab my clothes for the day on my way to the shower and place everything there on the bathroom vanity.
Having a seat in the shower is a godsend so really, I don’t have to do much standing. But let me ask, have you ever tried to take a shower sitting down? Now that is a new experience. Leaning forward to rinse your hair is not exactly ideal – but it works. For now, I’m barely able to bend over to shave my legs – I know my days are numbered with this. I give myself a 10 minute limit in the shower and I’m outta there. My hairdryer is set up outside the bathroom and I just sit on the floor and dry my hair. Then it’s back to bed. All in all, usually a 20-25 minute deal. But boy, does it feel good to be clean and fresh!
So, around 10am, I catch Access Hollywood while I sit in bed and primp (you know, pluck stray hairs, put on a little mascara etc.) a bit. Nothing like hearing about Brangelina and Brittany Spears every day. It’s amazing what makes news these days isn’t it? Kinda sickening actually. Anyway, topic for another day.
By around 11:00, I check email again, and await my first visitor for the day. Somebody is usually here to make me lunch (this sounds so spoiled doesn’t it?). It’s always good to see a smiling face and chit chat for a bit.
After lunch, the tv selection really gets bad. If nobody is here, I usually read (trashy love novels or good fiction, I gave up the pregnancy books for a while) and putter on the computer (update my blog) for a few hours until about mid-afternoon, when Dr. Phil and Oprah come on. By the time Oprah is over at 5, it’s almost time for C. to get home.
Once C. gets home, we eat dinner – he sometimes eats with me and sometimes not; which is ok with me. Since meals started coming in every other day from friends, it’s always fun to have a new meal to look forward to. By around 8pm, once he has finished the house errands and stuff, he comes up to hang with me and watch tv for a while. We usually go back into our bedroom to bed around 10/11pm. And pray for a good nights sleep.
Throughout the day, my gracious friends & family call to check in and I make various appointments for house stuff or doctors. With weekly doctors appointments, I’m always shuffling something around or the doctors are calling to change appointments due to emergency surgeries etc. Actually, the phone seems to ring all day long.
The modern day conveniences & internet make life so easy from bed. I can pay all of my bills on line, order my library books on line, order movies on line, look up anything and everything that I ever wanted to look up; order groceries on line (we haven’t done this yet b/c C. thinks that it’s too risky to have a delivery man come here when I’m here alone – paranoid). But the on line grocery shopping is something I will definitely be doing once the kids arrive! Even our dry cleaner and water service picks up and delivers weekly for free. Epitome of lazy for the average person but if you are stuck in bed, it’s truly a blessing to have such services available. I can’t imagine what women did in the old days when they were on bedrest.
One day a week I get to look forward to going out of the house for a doc appt. I can’t drive myself so Mom is usually the lucky one to taxi me there. I lay down in the car on the way there (bumpy ride for the boys) and then she commandeers a wheelchair to take me in. It’s usually a quick visit, and then back to the car and home to bed. I’ve never appreciated fresh air so much as I do on those days! Just to see the sunshine and take a few deep breaths of fresh air is rejuvenating. Even in the sweltering summer heat.
So there you have it…nothing fancy. As I put it all into words, I do realize that I keep rather busy all day long; it’s really not so bad. One of the plus’s for now is that I’m still not THAT uncomfortably big yet – I think that is coming. Occasionally I get a foot in the ribcage or a twinge in my side but it’s only temporary. From what I hear, I’m going to get pretty large and the belly gets more unmanageable every week. We’ll just keep plugging away though and hope for the best. If all of the weeks go this fast, I’ll be psyched! 22 Weeks on Monday - almost 3 weeks down.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Trouble Maker
OK, I couldn't resist posting this picture. As the day goes on, he gets more ornery by the minute - he's on the verge of getting banned from the bed for foul play! As you can see, he's right in the middle of everything...he's getting ready to attack the printer. Aye.
The Fearless Protector - Gus
We're getting some good bonding time. He knows something is up. Some of you may know about my crazy cat - and I mean literally, he's crazy and on cat prozac. But anyway, the point is, he's been by my side about 80% of the time that I've been home in this bed. He's definitely a one person cat - and I'm his "main man". He's been good company, until he decides that he wants to play with my pens and the cords for the computer. Then we reach a disagreement and he gets banished for a while. But without fail, he returns. When people come over, he's right by my side - protecting. And he's not very nice to those who try to pet him either. Any normal person probably thinks we're nuts for putting up with his antics - but I love him to pieces.
It's interesting how pets know when their Owner is down and out. Not that I'm emotionally down, but he knows that things aren't "normal" right now. Which is pretty amazing.
It will be very interesting to see how the cats adjust to the babies. Gus is very intrigued by little people; Maggie just runs and hides. She's probably the smart one. Whenever we have babies in the house, Gus gets very interested. He sits right next to the baby and takes in the smells and noises. I anticipate that he'll probably be fine when the triplets arrive, until they are big enough to start pulling his tail and ears. We just need to keep him out of the cribs! And I say that in all seriousness - they make crib tents so we'll be watching him like a hawk. He means well - my fear would be that he would try to protect the babies too. Either way, he's going to be moving to the bottom of the priority list once the kids come. It makes me sad - he's been my baby for 9 years now. It will be an adjustment, for sure. Until then, I'll enjoy these last days with him - and so will he!
It's interesting how pets know when their Owner is down and out. Not that I'm emotionally down, but he knows that things aren't "normal" right now. Which is pretty amazing.
It will be very interesting to see how the cats adjust to the babies. Gus is very intrigued by little people; Maggie just runs and hides. She's probably the smart one. Whenever we have babies in the house, Gus gets very interested. He sits right next to the baby and takes in the smells and noises. I anticipate that he'll probably be fine when the triplets arrive, until they are big enough to start pulling his tail and ears. We just need to keep him out of the cribs! And I say that in all seriousness - they make crib tents so we'll be watching him like a hawk. He means well - my fear would be that he would try to protect the babies too. Either way, he's going to be moving to the bottom of the priority list once the kids come. It makes me sad - he's been my baby for 9 years now. It will be an adjustment, for sure. Until then, I'll enjoy these last days with him - and so will he!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Belly Shot
Here's an updated belly shot - 21 weeks, 2 days. Kind of a crummy photo but best I could do in the 3 minutes I had while I was up to potty; since that is the longest trip of the day (to the bathroom and back), it felt good to stand up for a few extra seconds to take a picture. A little extra leg stretch!
My daily inspiration
Can you stand how cute those little shoes are? My dear Aunt Kathy sent these as a shower gift for my boys (her GREAT nephews). Since my shower was postponed indefinitely when I was admitted to the hospital, Mom brought her gift over when I got home from the hospital. I was leary to open it. Something about that "jinx" factor that I've been hung up on since the beginning of this pregnancy.
But I'm glad I opened it. I can't get over how cute these are. After I opened them, I asked her to put them in the nursery and she adamantly refused, stating that they were going to stay here in my room with me to remind me that all of this is so worth it - and to keep me focused on the final reward to keep working toward. It's working. I stare at these shoes each day (all day actually since they are right next to the tv) and imagine what the boys will look like with them on their little feet. It reminds me that about a year from now, when they are wearing them through the summer, we'll hopefully look back on this and remember how challenging it was, but also how worth it it was. Anything for my boys.
It's important to keep the big picture in mind. Although, sometimes that gets a little overwhelming. Day by day, and week by week seem to be the best way for now; and we're slowly marking off the days on the calendar. My belly is growing bigger by the day now - and it's getting a little more uncomfortable to sleep. But I've always said, I couldn't wait for the day that my belly got so big it hurt. Or my belly was so big it was hard to get around. I welcome these days with open arms and only hope that we can hold out for many more weeks to come. We've got a few more weeks until we're over the big hump (24-25 week viability mark) and after that, every week will be a plus.
The cribs have arrived - but they aren't here at home yet. They are residing in Grampy's office for now, along with the dresser and glider. I'm not quite ready to bring them home yet. Hopefully in another week or two it will feel "right" to bring them home and finish up the boys little room. I guess I'll have to recruit some of my favorite men in the family and get a case (or two) of beer and some pizza's to bribe them to help set things up. Crib set up is a known nightmare so it might be a hard sell...then us girls can do the fun parts and get the bedding in and start putting some things away in there. So much to do - but not in a hurry yet to do it. Although I continue to think positive and believe that we're going to get these kids here safely, my realistic side stays in the forefront and it's just not time yet to let my guard down. But we're getting there.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Warm Fuzzies
Aren't warm fuzzies the best? I feel like I've gotten so many of them lately ~ but I got one of the best ones yesterday. One of the many girlfriends that I have that is suffering through infertility got a positive beta (pregnancy test) yesterday. She's been down this road for years - and she's suffered through many early pregnancy losses. But we have a good feeling this time for her. Prayers are being answered and that is the best warm fuzzy anyone could ask for.
She's been on my mind all night long - this was her 8th cycle; and her beta is so high, it's almost off the charts! A good beta number at 18 days after egg retrieval is anything over 100. Her number is 2850! Now, with triplets, my number was only 1204 ~ I can't even imagine what is growing in that belly of hers! I know she must have such mixed feelings today - she's got to be so full of excitement she's bursting, but at the same time, with a number like that, it's a bit scary too. They put two embryo's back so in theory, if there are more than two, it would mean that there was some egg splitting going on. Well, we know how that works!
This is such a scary time for IVF'ers though. The period in between the positive beta and the first ultrasound is the toughest part. It really is. And it's a good two weeks of waiting, wondering and speculating about every little twinge and symptom. Especially when someone like her has experienced all of her losses right in this time frame. She has had good beta's going in, and when it comes to the first ultrasound, things fell apart. As excited as we are for her, it's a fine line to know just how excited to be in front of her ~ understanding completely that until she sees a heartbeat, it just won't be real yet. As we always say, it would be so nice to be one of those people who just finds out they are pregnant and that's the end of it. But going through the blood tests every other day for a week and waiting for that first u/s makes it so nerve wracking. All we can do is help her "wait" and keep her positive. This has GOT to be her time. She's the same one that cycled with me when I got pregnant with the trips and she found no heartbeat - on the same day that we saw three heartbeats. It just didn't seem fair that day.
My other warm fuzzy today was my cute husband who continues to wait on me hand and foot each morning and night ~ without fail. As hard as this can be on families, there's no bigger blessing than rallying together to get these babies here safely.
She's been on my mind all night long - this was her 8th cycle; and her beta is so high, it's almost off the charts! A good beta number at 18 days after egg retrieval is anything over 100. Her number is 2850! Now, with triplets, my number was only 1204 ~ I can't even imagine what is growing in that belly of hers! I know she must have such mixed feelings today - she's got to be so full of excitement she's bursting, but at the same time, with a number like that, it's a bit scary too. They put two embryo's back so in theory, if there are more than two, it would mean that there was some egg splitting going on. Well, we know how that works!
This is such a scary time for IVF'ers though. The period in between the positive beta and the first ultrasound is the toughest part. It really is. And it's a good two weeks of waiting, wondering and speculating about every little twinge and symptom. Especially when someone like her has experienced all of her losses right in this time frame. She has had good beta's going in, and when it comes to the first ultrasound, things fell apart. As excited as we are for her, it's a fine line to know just how excited to be in front of her ~ understanding completely that until she sees a heartbeat, it just won't be real yet. As we always say, it would be so nice to be one of those people who just finds out they are pregnant and that's the end of it. But going through the blood tests every other day for a week and waiting for that first u/s makes it so nerve wracking. All we can do is help her "wait" and keep her positive. This has GOT to be her time. She's the same one that cycled with me when I got pregnant with the trips and she found no heartbeat - on the same day that we saw three heartbeats. It just didn't seem fair that day.
My other warm fuzzy today was my cute husband who continues to wait on me hand and foot each morning and night ~ without fail. As hard as this can be on families, there's no bigger blessing than rallying together to get these babies here safely.
Monday, July 10, 2006
21 Weeks and holding
Just a quick update for this week - perinatologist appointment went well today. The babies look great and the cervix is still in tact and holding. Dr. S. said things looked good and to "go home and keep doing what I'm doing and no more than that". So far, I'm pretty good at following doctors orders and don't plan on straying from that plan so hopefully we've bought ourselves some more time. I thought they might do some more measuring today so we had an idea about how big the boys were. But no such luck. In 2 weeks we'll have another growth check so we'll know more details then.
It felt good to get outside today and get some fresh air ~ even if it was for just an hour or two. They treated me like a queen at the doctors office; they let me sit in this comfy lazy boy instead of the waiting room chairs once Mom wheeled me in in the wheelchair. It feels so funny to have to be wheeled around when I don't feel badly physically. Kind of an odd feeling not to be able to do too much for yourself actually. I just keep remembering, it's only temporary. Pretty soon I'll be back to my old self and my old ways - doing everything I used to do.
My next appointment isn't until a week from Thursday so I've got about 10 days before I see another doctor. Going to do my best to hold tight through that 10 days for a good report next time too.
Dinners have started coming in now on Monday, Wed and Friday. What a blessing. C. will be so happy that he doesn't have to cook much for the next several weeks. He's been such an amazing help - he's been taking care of things around here like a champ! Of course we have had help with laundry etc. by some of my kind weekly helpers but overall, he's rallied so much, and all with a smile. God love him. I know it hasn't been easy on him with this adjustment so hoping that the extra help will keep him out of the weeds here at home. I try to shove him out one night a week with the guys too; hoping that it will keep his sanity. Our cleaning lady comes tomorrow which I'm sure is badly needed - I'm only living in three rooms of the house these days (bedroom, my day room and the bathroom) and all of those rooms need it so surely the rest of the house is way overdue. She's going to start coming every 2 weeks now instead of every 3 so that should be a big help.
I guess uneventful is a good thing, although it makes for a boring blog. But I'll take a boring blog any day over having to report too much negative excitement! I've got some fun topics up my sleeve so will have to get creative over the next 10 days until we get another doctors update. Until then...keep praying and know that all of you blog readers mean the world to us and we love you all dearly. Thanks for your thoughts, prayers and good ole' friendship.
It felt good to get outside today and get some fresh air ~ even if it was for just an hour or two. They treated me like a queen at the doctors office; they let me sit in this comfy lazy boy instead of the waiting room chairs once Mom wheeled me in in the wheelchair. It feels so funny to have to be wheeled around when I don't feel badly physically. Kind of an odd feeling not to be able to do too much for yourself actually. I just keep remembering, it's only temporary. Pretty soon I'll be back to my old self and my old ways - doing everything I used to do.
My next appointment isn't until a week from Thursday so I've got about 10 days before I see another doctor. Going to do my best to hold tight through that 10 days for a good report next time too.
Dinners have started coming in now on Monday, Wed and Friday. What a blessing. C. will be so happy that he doesn't have to cook much for the next several weeks. He's been such an amazing help - he's been taking care of things around here like a champ! Of course we have had help with laundry etc. by some of my kind weekly helpers but overall, he's rallied so much, and all with a smile. God love him. I know it hasn't been easy on him with this adjustment so hoping that the extra help will keep him out of the weeds here at home. I try to shove him out one night a week with the guys too; hoping that it will keep his sanity. Our cleaning lady comes tomorrow which I'm sure is badly needed - I'm only living in three rooms of the house these days (bedroom, my day room and the bathroom) and all of those rooms need it so surely the rest of the house is way overdue. She's going to start coming every 2 weeks now instead of every 3 so that should be a big help.
I guess uneventful is a good thing, although it makes for a boring blog. But I'll take a boring blog any day over having to report too much negative excitement! I've got some fun topics up my sleeve so will have to get creative over the next 10 days until we get another doctors update. Until then...keep praying and know that all of you blog readers mean the world to us and we love you all dearly. Thanks for your thoughts, prayers and good ole' friendship.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Visitors are always a plus!
One of the more quiet Saturdays around our house, I must say. I pushed C. out the door bright and early this a.m. to play golf (obviously I didn't have to push him too hard to play) and was glad that he got out with his usual Saturday group to try to relieve some stress. Did a lot of reading today which was a welcome change - Saturday tv is nothing special (come to think of it, week day daytime tv is not much to write home about either but...) so got some books from the library and started digging in. It feels good to escape into a good book instead of worrying about the obvious. I always loved to read and never got much time. Guess now is the time because for the next several years I can forget about doing any "pleasure" reading!
After lunch, the Leach clan came over for a visit - always good to see smiling faces, especially little Emily's. Poor thing - she is very mobile & busy now so it's got to be boring hanging around a bedroom listening to adults talk about nothing. Nonetheless, it always brightens my day to see her. And always good to have a few laughs.
Here's a photo of her puttering around in my busy box that is by my bedside:
There are lots of things in that box that a 9 month old can get into trouble with!
I have also attached a photo of my humble abode - this is where I spend my days. As you can see, I have all of the essentials; what you can't see are the tv and frig. It's a pretty comfy place. I move in here about 7am every morning, in time for breakfast and then move to my regular bed at night whenever C. decides to hang it up for the night.
For now, all is well. We have another growth check sonogram on Monday with the perinatologist. He'll also check my cervix and we're hopeful to buy at least another week at home in this cozy place. I'll be 21 weeks on Monday, and counting!
After lunch, the Leach clan came over for a visit - always good to see smiling faces, especially little Emily's. Poor thing - she is very mobile & busy now so it's got to be boring hanging around a bedroom listening to adults talk about nothing. Nonetheless, it always brightens my day to see her. And always good to have a few laughs.
Here's a photo of her puttering around in my busy box that is by my bedside:
There are lots of things in that box that a 9 month old can get into trouble with!
I have also attached a photo of my humble abode - this is where I spend my days. As you can see, I have all of the essentials; what you can't see are the tv and frig. It's a pretty comfy place. I move in here about 7am every morning, in time for breakfast and then move to my regular bed at night whenever C. decides to hang it up for the night.
For now, all is well. We have another growth check sonogram on Monday with the perinatologist. He'll also check my cervix and we're hopeful to buy at least another week at home in this cozy place. I'll be 21 weeks on Monday, and counting!
Friday, July 07, 2006
They are coming out of the woodwork
"They" are the amazing friends and family that have rallied around us. I'm overwhelmed, yet again, at the outpouring of support, prayers and thoughtfulness of so many people. I've always known that in times of need you really find out so much about people. But I guess when it really happens, it can be much more powerful and emotional than you think.
Mom has scheduled a few friends & family to do weekly visits to make sure my lunch shift is covered each day, as well as morning and afternoon visitors to help with chores or whatever needs to be done. I also need help getting to the doctor each week and she has that covered too. Another dear friend has set up dinners for us, three days per week, for the next 8 weeks. Neighbors have contacted me wanting to help and visit. Our extended family (Aunts and Cousins) have called regularly to check in. My favorite Aunt Kathy has been in touch daily. I can't get over all of this. As I have already said, it's such a humbling experience being sidelined for a long duration of time. But with such wonderful, helpful and genuine people surrounding us, it's been nothing but comforting.
I'm looking forward to being able to spend some quality time with people who I never get to spend time with due to our busy lives. Over the years, differences in life agenda's (kids, working vs. non-working Moms etc.) have not allowed me to spend as much time with friends as we used to have. It's been harder to keep up since we all are so busy with our respective lives. Now is a good chance to catch back up and stay in better touch with each other. I think that is a blessing. Mom and I have been together almost daily for the last many weeks - and it's been awesome. I get to spend more time with my sister in law and niece. I don't often get to sit down and chat with my Mother in law. Now we'll have some time together also.
Obviously I've had a great deal of alone time to reflect on things and I don't know how I could possibly complain about being stuck in bed when I have so many special people surrounding me. I know that people like to pitch in and help in times of need - I just hope that I can impress upon everyone how grateful we are for everything; and better yet, I hope I can repay everyone someday, in some way. Thank you will never be enough.
Mom has scheduled a few friends & family to do weekly visits to make sure my lunch shift is covered each day, as well as morning and afternoon visitors to help with chores or whatever needs to be done. I also need help getting to the doctor each week and she has that covered too. Another dear friend has set up dinners for us, three days per week, for the next 8 weeks. Neighbors have contacted me wanting to help and visit. Our extended family (Aunts and Cousins) have called regularly to check in. My favorite Aunt Kathy has been in touch daily. I can't get over all of this. As I have already said, it's such a humbling experience being sidelined for a long duration of time. But with such wonderful, helpful and genuine people surrounding us, it's been nothing but comforting.
I'm looking forward to being able to spend some quality time with people who I never get to spend time with due to our busy lives. Over the years, differences in life agenda's (kids, working vs. non-working Moms etc.) have not allowed me to spend as much time with friends as we used to have. It's been harder to keep up since we all are so busy with our respective lives. Now is a good chance to catch back up and stay in better touch with each other. I think that is a blessing. Mom and I have been together almost daily for the last many weeks - and it's been awesome. I get to spend more time with my sister in law and niece. I don't often get to sit down and chat with my Mother in law. Now we'll have some time together also.
Obviously I've had a great deal of alone time to reflect on things and I don't know how I could possibly complain about being stuck in bed when I have so many special people surrounding me. I know that people like to pitch in and help in times of need - I just hope that I can impress upon everyone how grateful we are for everything; and better yet, I hope I can repay everyone someday, in some way. Thank you will never be enough.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
One week down
Well, here we are, one week after surgery and it appears that for now, all is stable and hanging in there. We had our one week follow up appt today and the cervix looked good - has not changed since the surgery (actually may have lengthened slightly) and appeared to be strong, with no pressure from inside. We're cautiously optimistic with that report and hoping that means that we can hold out for a while longer here. One week at a time!
Off to take a nap - my 2 hour excursion took it all out of me. Amazing how doing nothing for a week takes away your energy so fast. We're all good, for today; and couldn't be happier to be in my own bed.
Off to take a nap - my 2 hour excursion took it all out of me. Amazing how doing nothing for a week takes away your energy so fast. We're all good, for today; and couldn't be happier to be in my own bed.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
There's no place like home....
Well, we're home again - at least for the time being. A nice treat for the 4th of July. I was released from the hospital yesterday, 7/3 in the afternoon after having a rather quiet day in terms of contractions etc. They sent me home on strict bedrest with bathroom privileges and one shower per day. It feels good to be home - but there is not an hour that goes by that I don't fret about having to go back to the hospital. I hope we can stick it out here for a good while.
What a humbling experience this is. I've never felt so helpless. How will I ever repay everyone that has helped me so much over the last week? And for the many weeks to come? Mainly C., Mom & Dad - Mom stayed with me every night in the hospital; went out to buy me things that I needed there (food, electric razor, nighties, writing paper), and has been absolutely amazing. Then today we had "operation bedrest" going on here at the house. I have set myself up in our guest room for the days so that I don't live in our bedroom. C. brought up our little frig from the basement (he had to sacrifice his beer frig for the time being) so I have a food/drink stash when I'm here alone. Then Dad showed up with a new 17" flat screen TV which they promptly ran cable to so that I can have a TV in the room. I have my laptop and printer set up on the cozy bed and all of my puttering materials right by my side. As an added bonus, Dad also bought some walkie talkies for us - we can use one outside by the front door for visitors so they can radio in to me when they arrive and I can tell them where the key is. Pretty smart of him huh?
I'm still far from being out of the woods but each day is a milestone. We're first hoping to hit the two week mark since the cerclage (which is a week from Thurs); then we'll shoot for the 24 week mark. After that, every day/week is a bonus. I hope we can make it. Just hoping this old body of mine can hold out.
The power of prayer has been an amazing thing. We feel so fortunate to have so many friends, family, friends of friends etc. thinking of us and sending well wishes our way. The goodness of people, even those we don't know (nurses) will never cease to amaze me. St. Gerard, the patron Saint of Motherhood is watching over us. Although no fireworks for us this year, it's good to be home; for however long it lasts. I'll savor each day.
What a humbling experience this is. I've never felt so helpless. How will I ever repay everyone that has helped me so much over the last week? And for the many weeks to come? Mainly C., Mom & Dad - Mom stayed with me every night in the hospital; went out to buy me things that I needed there (food, electric razor, nighties, writing paper), and has been absolutely amazing. Then today we had "operation bedrest" going on here at the house. I have set myself up in our guest room for the days so that I don't live in our bedroom. C. brought up our little frig from the basement (he had to sacrifice his beer frig for the time being) so I have a food/drink stash when I'm here alone. Then Dad showed up with a new 17" flat screen TV which they promptly ran cable to so that I can have a TV in the room. I have my laptop and printer set up on the cozy bed and all of my puttering materials right by my side. As an added bonus, Dad also bought some walkie talkies for us - we can use one outside by the front door for visitors so they can radio in to me when they arrive and I can tell them where the key is. Pretty smart of him huh?
I'm still far from being out of the woods but each day is a milestone. We're first hoping to hit the two week mark since the cerclage (which is a week from Thurs); then we'll shoot for the 24 week mark. After that, every day/week is a bonus. I hope we can make it. Just hoping this old body of mine can hold out.
The power of prayer has been an amazing thing. We feel so fortunate to have so many friends, family, friends of friends etc. thinking of us and sending well wishes our way. The goodness of people, even those we don't know (nurses) will never cease to amaze me. St. Gerard, the patron Saint of Motherhood is watching over us. Although no fireworks for us this year, it's good to be home; for however long it lasts. I'll savor each day.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Hospital - Day 5
Well, we're still hanging in here! Can't say it's easy but one day at a time seems to be working well for now. I'm not inverted any longer - just laying totally flat for now. Still cathetarized so not getting out of bed for anything. I haven't seen a doctor yet today so not sure what their plan for me is at this point. I don't know if we'll get released to go home to 100% bedrest or if this is my new home for the next long while.
Things appear to have stabilized for now - although I keep waiting for all hell to break loose again. Hopefully we'll get to go home for at least a few weeks; I know I'll be back here at some point as the boys continue to grow.
If I have to be in the hospital, this place is wonderful. We have our own "suite" and it's very plush. I'm actually in the labor and delivery ward and the rooms are awesome. We have a small little kitchen area, nice TV with cable; small table to sit at (for guests of course) and a small couch next to my bed. My trooper husband has been here during the days since Friday - and I've had a few visitors; I'm looking pretty ragged out right now though and not too keen on having just anyone stopping by.
Not sure when I'll get another shower so until then, we'll keep the visitors limited for now. Not much more to report. If we're here for the duration, it's going to take some getting used to but we'll get there. Hopefully I'll have another quiet day and some good news to come in the coming day or two. Until then...
Things appear to have stabilized for now - although I keep waiting for all hell to break loose again. Hopefully we'll get to go home for at least a few weeks; I know I'll be back here at some point as the boys continue to grow.
If I have to be in the hospital, this place is wonderful. We have our own "suite" and it's very plush. I'm actually in the labor and delivery ward and the rooms are awesome. We have a small little kitchen area, nice TV with cable; small table to sit at (for guests of course) and a small couch next to my bed. My trooper husband has been here during the days since Friday - and I've had a few visitors; I'm looking pretty ragged out right now though and not too keen on having just anyone stopping by.
Not sure when I'll get another shower so until then, we'll keep the visitors limited for now. Not much more to report. If we're here for the duration, it's going to take some getting used to but we'll get there. Hopefully I'll have another quiet day and some good news to come in the coming day or two. Until then...
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