Boy, the weeks leading up to this week were much more stressful than I realized. When I woke up on August 30th, the day after the kids first birthday, I felt like the world had been let off of my shoulders. It's funny how your body handles things isn't it? And I didn't even realize it until it was over.
Sometimes the anticipation of things is actually much harder than the actual event; whenever it comes. It seems that anticipating the first birthday milestone, coupled with the 1st anniversary of Calvin's death, was much more taxing on me than I realized it would be. I have to admit, when Wednesday rolled around this week, 8/29/07, which was supposed to be such a fun, special day - it was not a good day. It was one of the harder days I've ever had. And frankly, I was in such a weird place - I found myself having those same feelings that I had on the day the kids were born. Torn between ultimate happiness and ultimate sadness. It is my only hope that this year was the hardest year - and from here on out, it will not be like that. I will never not mourn little Calvin on that day - but I am hopeful that going forward, their birthday WILL be a day or celebration; not sadness. It felt good to let it all out - and just take it as it came. But I think I was trying too hard NOT to let it get me down that I was disappointed when it really did. Oh well. You never know how these things will play out I guess. And you just have to ride the wave. Anyway, it's past us now and on to year #2! I can hardly believe it.
We've got a fun low key weekend planned so it will be nice to have some family time. We're headed back to NICU tomorrow for our one year visit - should be nice to see some of our old friends there. Cole & JD's little friend Jack, our room mate from NICU is going too - it will be the first time they have met aside from when they were little preemies. Jack is 4 days younger than Cole & JD so he has his big birthday celebration this weekend.
Happy long weekend to all...thanks for all of your wonderful messages and support this week. We felt overwhelmed with love. XOXOXOX
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO MY LITTLE MIRACLES!
It's here. One year ago, at 7:57am, you graced us with your presence on earth. It's your first birthday! You two are amazing! You've brought us more joy than we could ever ask for and since we met you, our lives have never been the same. It's been quite a year and you've shown us more courage, love and perseverence than we ever imagined. You are true miracles. Never forget your brave, special brother - he will always watch over you and be with you in your heart. Calvin, we wish you were here with us and know that you're not far.
Happy Birthday Sweet boys - We love you!
Cole, you've come a long way baby!
JD, way to go big boy!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
1st Birthday Party!
We had a great time this weekend at the boys first birthday party. I was warned that it might be a bit chaotic; and boy, that warning was spot on! But it was still fun, nonetheless and the boys had a great time being the center of attention. They were little troopers and really enjoyed having all of their family and closest friends around to celebrate.
They enjoyed their first taste of chocolate cake - although I don't think they knew exactly what to do with it. And their favorite part was the ice cream. They love ice cream! As you will see from the photos below, they dug right in and enjoyed the sweet treats.
Thank you to everyone for your sweet messages, cards, gifts and well wishes for the kids. It means the world to us. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system around us - and such genuine love for our family. Enjoy the photos!
They enjoyed their first taste of chocolate cake - although I don't think they knew exactly what to do with it. And their favorite part was the ice cream. They love ice cream! As you will see from the photos below, they dug right in and enjoyed the sweet treats.
Thank you to everyone for your sweet messages, cards, gifts and well wishes for the kids. It means the world to us. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system around us - and such genuine love for our family. Enjoy the photos!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A10 - accomplished!
Well, I made it to the finish line of the Annapolis 10 miler. Standing. And smiling. Crying rather. My little Angle Calvin, no doubt, carried me during my race this morning. I called on him around Mile 4 when I was sputtering up a large hill. I went out of the gates too fast and by the 4th mile, I was thinking that I would be going over the finish line on a stretcher. But I backed off, found my pace, drank lots of gatorade & water and re-grouped. With a little help from above, I regained my strength and powered through the race. It felt awesome. As of now, I feel good. We'll see if I can get out of bed in the morning!
Pictures to come of the big birthday celebration - what a day. Stay tuned...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Big Weekend!
It's the eve of the boys first birthday party. WOW. Has it really been almost a year? Pretty amazing. We are having their party on Saturday with all of the family we can muster! It should be quite a fun day (aside from the fact that the heat index is supposed to be +100). We'll take lots of pictures and post them after the weekend events.
I'm coming out of running retirement this weekend too - I'm running in the famous Annapolis 10 miler on Sunday morning. This will greatly curb by eating and drinking abilities on Saturday, which is probably a good thing. I think I need more luck for the race than I do making it through the boys birthday party! By the time you hear from me next time, I'll probably be sporting some very sore legs - but god willing, will be proud that I made it to the finish. Stay tuned and have a great weekend everyone!
I'm coming out of running retirement this weekend too - I'm running in the famous Annapolis 10 miler on Sunday morning. This will greatly curb by eating and drinking abilities on Saturday, which is probably a good thing. I think I need more luck for the race than I do making it through the boys birthday party! By the time you hear from me next time, I'll probably be sporting some very sore legs - but god willing, will be proud that I made it to the finish. Stay tuned and have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
He's never far
Calvin. He's so close. Always. It's been a hard few weeks. I can't lie. My heart hurts extra much. And there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't miss him. It still comes in waves, only the last few weeks have been like a tidal wave. A never ending one. Time heals, I know. But this hole in my heart still is gaping. I want to hold him again.
I keep flashing back to the day they were born. The night before, I knew something was not right. At 6pm, the doctor did a sonogram to take a look. Mothers know. Surprisingly, all looked well. I didn't sleep much at all that night. I was very restless. At 6am, the doctor arrived as he did each day for another sonogram. It was a few minutes of silence when we knew that there was no heartbeat and then his words "Kate, there is no heartbeat. You're going to delivery".
The nurses started rushing. Within 10 minutes, my IV was started, the anesthesiologist had arrived and we were trying feverishly to reach C. They took off my jewelry, changed me out of my jammies into a gown, took some blood to run a quick work up to find out what drugs were still in my system and started wheeling me toward the OR. Scariest day of my entire life. C. arrived as we were wheeling out - he came running down the hall. They threw him his scrubs and he was dressing while following my bed down the hall. Mom was already scrubbed just in case he didn't make it.
Once we got into the OR, they gave me my spinal. We had to wait for what seemed like an hour for the blood work to come back. If my body had not rid of the indicin that I took the night before, they were going to have to knock me out for surgery. Luckily my levels were ok so I was able to remain awake. Within about 10 minutes, the babies were being pulled out. Cole was first since he was the most at risk. They didn't tell me when he was out - and he wasn't crying so I didn't know he had been born. JD was next out - he was wailing. The sweetest sound I've ever heard. I concentrated on his cry so hard. It was as if he was right next to me, it was so loud. He was alive, and breathing. They brought him to my head and I held him & kissed him for a second - he was wimpering. What a miracle. I'll never forget his sweet little face. Cole was being worked on; very shortly after I saw JD, they wheeled Cole up to me in the bassinet so I could see him. They were helping him breathe with a bag - but he was holding his own. I didn't get to see his face but I saw him breathing and touched his blanket. Then they rushed him away. Calvin was born last since he was stillborn. They all were born within 90 seconds of each other. C. got to cut the cords. It was an eternity when they were stitching me up after surgery. C. was giving me minute by minute updates as he bounced around the OR from baby to baby. He & the nurses came to me with pictures on the digital camera. I specifically asked for a photo of the three boys together and nurse K. came over to let me know that she had fulfilled my wishes. That was something I asked the nurses to put into my chart to make sure it got done...and it did.
Calvin had his own special nurse. She handled him with such dignity and grace. She wrapped him in a blanket, gave him a hat and kept him warm. I was not able to see him until a few hours later. We held him. And talked to him. He was perfect but lifeless. He looked like he was just sleeping. Such an innocent little soul who taught us the greatest lesson in life one could learn. A selfless hero. Our guardian angel. My greatest strength when things get tough.
People told me that I would probably long to hold him again. And that those last moments with him would have to last a lifetime. They seem foggy to me now. And it's only been a year. It's foggy probably due to the drugs I was on at the time. And I remember feeling particularly strong that day - I guess I was just numb. I remember how it felt to hold him (I didn't get to hold the other babies for over a day after they were born) and I remember his face. And hands. And feet. But what seems foggy to me is how I didn't crumble into a million pieces that day. How did I ever give him back to the nurse when I thought I was finished holding him? They kept asking if I wanted to see him again over the next 24 hours. We said no. Should we have? Would that have made my memory a bit more vivid? I'll never know I guess.
It's taken me some time to get to this point. I relish in the happiness that JD & Cole give to me every day. I can look at Cole any time and know what Cal would look like. But it's so hard to let that guard down and feel the pain. It's starting to rock my world. The most unforgettable, scary, joyous, heartbreaking, emotional, amazing day was almost one year ago. The teetering between extreme grief and extreme joy is a tough place to be. Fortunately, it just happens and you ride the wave of raw emotion as it comes; and goes. There's no easy way.
I keep flashing back to the day they were born. The night before, I knew something was not right. At 6pm, the doctor did a sonogram to take a look. Mothers know. Surprisingly, all looked well. I didn't sleep much at all that night. I was very restless. At 6am, the doctor arrived as he did each day for another sonogram. It was a few minutes of silence when we knew that there was no heartbeat and then his words "Kate, there is no heartbeat. You're going to delivery".
The nurses started rushing. Within 10 minutes, my IV was started, the anesthesiologist had arrived and we were trying feverishly to reach C. They took off my jewelry, changed me out of my jammies into a gown, took some blood to run a quick work up to find out what drugs were still in my system and started wheeling me toward the OR. Scariest day of my entire life. C. arrived as we were wheeling out - he came running down the hall. They threw him his scrubs and he was dressing while following my bed down the hall. Mom was already scrubbed just in case he didn't make it.
Once we got into the OR, they gave me my spinal. We had to wait for what seemed like an hour for the blood work to come back. If my body had not rid of the indicin that I took the night before, they were going to have to knock me out for surgery. Luckily my levels were ok so I was able to remain awake. Within about 10 minutes, the babies were being pulled out. Cole was first since he was the most at risk. They didn't tell me when he was out - and he wasn't crying so I didn't know he had been born. JD was next out - he was wailing. The sweetest sound I've ever heard. I concentrated on his cry so hard. It was as if he was right next to me, it was so loud. He was alive, and breathing. They brought him to my head and I held him & kissed him for a second - he was wimpering. What a miracle. I'll never forget his sweet little face. Cole was being worked on; very shortly after I saw JD, they wheeled Cole up to me in the bassinet so I could see him. They were helping him breathe with a bag - but he was holding his own. I didn't get to see his face but I saw him breathing and touched his blanket. Then they rushed him away. Calvin was born last since he was stillborn. They all were born within 90 seconds of each other. C. got to cut the cords. It was an eternity when they were stitching me up after surgery. C. was giving me minute by minute updates as he bounced around the OR from baby to baby. He & the nurses came to me with pictures on the digital camera. I specifically asked for a photo of the three boys together and nurse K. came over to let me know that she had fulfilled my wishes. That was something I asked the nurses to put into my chart to make sure it got done...and it did.
Calvin had his own special nurse. She handled him with such dignity and grace. She wrapped him in a blanket, gave him a hat and kept him warm. I was not able to see him until a few hours later. We held him. And talked to him. He was perfect but lifeless. He looked like he was just sleeping. Such an innocent little soul who taught us the greatest lesson in life one could learn. A selfless hero. Our guardian angel. My greatest strength when things get tough.
People told me that I would probably long to hold him again. And that those last moments with him would have to last a lifetime. They seem foggy to me now. And it's only been a year. It's foggy probably due to the drugs I was on at the time. And I remember feeling particularly strong that day - I guess I was just numb. I remember how it felt to hold him (I didn't get to hold the other babies for over a day after they were born) and I remember his face. And hands. And feet. But what seems foggy to me is how I didn't crumble into a million pieces that day. How did I ever give him back to the nurse when I thought I was finished holding him? They kept asking if I wanted to see him again over the next 24 hours. We said no. Should we have? Would that have made my memory a bit more vivid? I'll never know I guess.
It's taken me some time to get to this point. I relish in the happiness that JD & Cole give to me every day. I can look at Cole any time and know what Cal would look like. But it's so hard to let that guard down and feel the pain. It's starting to rock my world. The most unforgettable, scary, joyous, heartbreaking, emotional, amazing day was almost one year ago. The teetering between extreme grief and extreme joy is a tough place to be. Fortunately, it just happens and you ride the wave of raw emotion as it comes; and goes. There's no easy way.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Flatulence. And other boy things.
There was a day when the video below might not have been so funny to me. But since having two boys (I do realize that all babies "pass gas" a lot) and being married to one lends itself to a world of flatulence - ALL.OF.THE.TIME. For C. and I, potty talk has never been high on our list - furthermore, we use the bathroom in the privacy of ourselves and we don't fart in front of each other either. It's just something we had an unspoken agreement on. And we still do. God help me. No open door policy in our house, thank goodness. Not that I'm a prude or anything but to take it a step further, my college room mate and I used to contend that we didn't fart...it was an ongoing joke. I guess we didn't really fool anyone - but we thought we did back then.
I have a feeling that this will change, at least for the men of the household; not too long from now. For whatever reason, it's just part of being male. Kind of like the "penis check" everytime we change a diaper. They grab that thing like it's going to run away from them the second the diaper comes off. And one question I have to ask is, is that thing elastic or what? They pull on it like it is...I swear. It looks like it hurts when they reach down there and grab it with such force. I keep telling them it's not going anywhere but they always check, just to be sure. That fascination starts immediately - and apparently never goes away.
Anyway, this video clip was sent to me today by a friend. And I thought it was the strangest commercial. It cracked me up. Enjoy.
I have a feeling that this will change, at least for the men of the household; not too long from now. For whatever reason, it's just part of being male. Kind of like the "penis check" everytime we change a diaper. They grab that thing like it's going to run away from them the second the diaper comes off. And one question I have to ask is, is that thing elastic or what? They pull on it like it is...I swear. It looks like it hurts when they reach down there and grab it with such force. I keep telling them it's not going anywhere but they always check, just to be sure. That fascination starts immediately - and apparently never goes away.
Anyway, this video clip was sent to me today by a friend. And I thought it was the strangest commercial. It cracked me up. Enjoy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Healing thoughts
Hardship of any kind definitely changes your life. Be it illness, loss, divorce, depression, financial problems, lonliness or whatever. In many ways, hardship can be a blessing of sorts and make your life better. Or at least make your perspective on life a bit better. You learn to see that each person who enters your life is a potential gift. Even when at first, they might seem like just another stranger.
You learn to discard old acquaintances and unsupportive friendships, and weed out relationships that don’t work. You look at the glass as half full, not half empty. You make space in your busy workday for moments of appreciation and love. You learn to make choices that feed rather than drain you... you appreciate each day and those things and people around you. You take time for whatever it is that nurtures and heals you.
As I reflect on the last few years of our lives, I'm almost at a loss for words. Looking at the big picture is overwhelming - yet, such is life. For anyone who looks back on where they were any number of years ago, it's hopefully satisfying and hopeful to see how far you've come. Everyone has their cross to bear - and many people would say they have been at the bottom of the barrel at some point in their lives. Anyone who has been in that spot and has later achieved their goals, made their life better, had some dumb luck and/or is in a better place now, would most likely agree.
The people that have walked into and through our life over the last year are amazing and unforgetable - friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, valet guys, neighbors, unknown favor do'ers, meal cookers, pray'ers, and the list goes on...The catalyst to write this comes from the fact that I'm going back to visit my fertility clinic this week with the kids. We're going back to where it all started. My favorite nurses will be there - and with any luck, my doctor. I'm sure they see miracle babies returning all of the time. And it's probably pretty rewarding that those parents take such pride in their children. Afterall, they worked awfully hard to get them here. But really, I want to go back for my sake and for the kids sake. I want a picture of them with the doctor(s) that made them possible. And from there, over the last 4 years, it snowballed into our life as we know it today.
Someone recently asked if I would tell my kids that they were "IVF" babies. Well, I had not really thought much about that actually. But when I did give it some thought, heck yes, I'll tell them. And by the time they are old enough to understand the birds and bees, IVF will be old school. There will be such amazing technology out there by then that IVF will be almost the norm probably; it will seem like no big deal to them. Of course, being boys, they will probably not care one bit about any of that - it's girly stuff and "gross Mom!". In any case, regardless of how they were conceived, they will know that all children are created out of love and nurtured by parents who love them. In this day and age, there are so many ways to have babies that it almost doesn't matter what the logistics are. The old fashioned way is no different than the "assisted way" now...afterall, the IVF babies are going to start outnumbering the natural babies if we're not careful since they are all born in multiples.
You would think with so many twins around now that we wouldn't be like a circus sideshow whenever we go somewhere...but we are. Still. Hence the reason those 9pm grocery runs are much faster and efficient than doing a daily run with all in tow. Wish us luck on our visit to SGFC - another one of those weird moments will hit me walking in that door, I'm sure. Flashbacks.
You learn to discard old acquaintances and unsupportive friendships, and weed out relationships that don’t work. You look at the glass as half full, not half empty. You make space in your busy workday for moments of appreciation and love. You learn to make choices that feed rather than drain you... you appreciate each day and those things and people around you. You take time for whatever it is that nurtures and heals you.
As I reflect on the last few years of our lives, I'm almost at a loss for words. Looking at the big picture is overwhelming - yet, such is life. For anyone who looks back on where they were any number of years ago, it's hopefully satisfying and hopeful to see how far you've come. Everyone has their cross to bear - and many people would say they have been at the bottom of the barrel at some point in their lives. Anyone who has been in that spot and has later achieved their goals, made their life better, had some dumb luck and/or is in a better place now, would most likely agree.
The people that have walked into and through our life over the last year are amazing and unforgetable - friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, valet guys, neighbors, unknown favor do'ers, meal cookers, pray'ers, and the list goes on...The catalyst to write this comes from the fact that I'm going back to visit my fertility clinic this week with the kids. We're going back to where it all started. My favorite nurses will be there - and with any luck, my doctor. I'm sure they see miracle babies returning all of the time. And it's probably pretty rewarding that those parents take such pride in their children. Afterall, they worked awfully hard to get them here. But really, I want to go back for my sake and for the kids sake. I want a picture of them with the doctor(s) that made them possible. And from there, over the last 4 years, it snowballed into our life as we know it today.
Someone recently asked if I would tell my kids that they were "IVF" babies. Well, I had not really thought much about that actually. But when I did give it some thought, heck yes, I'll tell them. And by the time they are old enough to understand the birds and bees, IVF will be old school. There will be such amazing technology out there by then that IVF will be almost the norm probably; it will seem like no big deal to them. Of course, being boys, they will probably not care one bit about any of that - it's girly stuff and "gross Mom!". In any case, regardless of how they were conceived, they will know that all children are created out of love and nurtured by parents who love them. In this day and age, there are so many ways to have babies that it almost doesn't matter what the logistics are. The old fashioned way is no different than the "assisted way" now...afterall, the IVF babies are going to start outnumbering the natural babies if we're not careful since they are all born in multiples.
You would think with so many twins around now that we wouldn't be like a circus sideshow whenever we go somewhere...but we are. Still. Hence the reason those 9pm grocery runs are much faster and efficient than doing a daily run with all in tow. Wish us luck on our visit to SGFC - another one of those weird moments will hit me walking in that door, I'm sure. Flashbacks.
The fog is lifting
We're finally starting to come out of the sickness fog in the Licameli house. Today everyone woke up a little less gurgly and a little more like themselves. The worst of the three is Chuck. Amazing how this "virus" has taken down the parent here - the one who should have the best immune system? Hmmmm. I don't wish this crud on anyone! Be that as it may, it's run it's course and it's time for it to leave the premises. We're done! Sadly, it hit one of my other playgroup Moms and her twins. I feel just awful about it - especially since we still don't really have any idea where the kids picked this up. I swear, I have been so careful about taking the kids any place for so many months. They have only gone to the grocery store MAYBE twice in their entire lives; and only a few playdates in their entire lives. And somehow, we came up with it. Oh well. Just goes to show you that you can't protect them forever right? It's a good thing really - now that they are getting better I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and say that. Next time around, it won't be as severe - hooray.
I just dragged the kids up to BRU tonight to get yet another baby gate. We're locked down now. JD is such a piece of work. He's got the hang of this crawling, scooting, standing gig and he just doesn't stop. I love it! Watching him is so intriguing to me. And Cole is starting to finally move a bit too - he was just as content sitting on the floor hanging out without making much of an effort to go anywhere. Afterall, JD would always come over and give him a poke or a friendly eye gouge now and then. Why move, right? When he sees JD coming toward him he starts screaming - like the worried kind of scream. It's a riot. He knows that he's going to maul him in some way so that is his way of preparing himself, JD and us that there is trouble coming...and low and behold, JD gives him a friendly love tap and all hell breaks loose. AT THIS EARLY AGE! Amazing...I see a hell of a tormenting future ahead between these two. Yet when I walk out of the room and they are playing, they erupt into laughter together and coo and touch each other. It's really cool to hear and see. Almost like they don't want us to know that really, they are friends.
The boys and I are solo this weekend - Daddy is headed out for a guys weekend. I'm hoping that we're all well by then so that we can do some fun things outdoors. I'm stir crazy having been inside for many days. I'm sure they would benefit from some sunshine and fresh air as well.
Two weeks from today is the big birthday day. It gives me butterfly's thinking about it really. We're celebrating next weekend since their real birthday falls on a weekday. I am so excited for their birthday - and a bit sad as well as we're one man down, missing Calvin. But we will celebrate his short little life that day too ~ and I know he'll be with us in spirit. It's just amazing to me that this time last year I was bed ridden, full of red spots, big, fat & pregnant, missing home and waiting as patiently as possible for our little guys to make their appearance...
I just dragged the kids up to BRU tonight to get yet another baby gate. We're locked down now. JD is such a piece of work. He's got the hang of this crawling, scooting, standing gig and he just doesn't stop. I love it! Watching him is so intriguing to me. And Cole is starting to finally move a bit too - he was just as content sitting on the floor hanging out without making much of an effort to go anywhere. Afterall, JD would always come over and give him a poke or a friendly eye gouge now and then. Why move, right? When he sees JD coming toward him he starts screaming - like the worried kind of scream. It's a riot. He knows that he's going to maul him in some way so that is his way of preparing himself, JD and us that there is trouble coming...and low and behold, JD gives him a friendly love tap and all hell breaks loose. AT THIS EARLY AGE! Amazing...I see a hell of a tormenting future ahead between these two. Yet when I walk out of the room and they are playing, they erupt into laughter together and coo and touch each other. It's really cool to hear and see. Almost like they don't want us to know that really, they are friends.
The boys and I are solo this weekend - Daddy is headed out for a guys weekend. I'm hoping that we're all well by then so that we can do some fun things outdoors. I'm stir crazy having been inside for many days. I'm sure they would benefit from some sunshine and fresh air as well.
Two weeks from today is the big birthday day. It gives me butterfly's thinking about it really. We're celebrating next weekend since their real birthday falls on a weekday. I am so excited for their birthday - and a bit sad as well as we're one man down, missing Calvin. But we will celebrate his short little life that day too ~ and I know he'll be with us in spirit. It's just amazing to me that this time last year I was bed ridden, full of red spots, big, fat & pregnant, missing home and waiting as patiently as possible for our little guys to make their appearance...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A bend in the road...
Blogging isn’t as easy as it used to be. I started this blog as a way to let out my fears, hopes, dreams and feelings. It was just between me and Blogger.com. Then it turned into a way to keep my family & friends informed on what was happening with my pregnancy; then to the progress on the babies; then a documentary for my kids. And in less than 6 months, it's had over 21,000 hits. That is pretty amazing.
I've reached a point though that I feel like it’s so boring and uneventful. It’s strange – I think about blogging every day yet I don’t normally have anything to write about. In our world, life is normal now, THANK GOD. There is no drama (aside from the occasional bat or two, or a cat catching fiasco). Seriously, I feel so fulfilled and complete. And although there is always something exciting going on in our house, it’s just like everyone else’s. In our world, normal is something that I have strived for for a long, long time. I’m so thankful for it. And believe me, I’m more thankful for that than anyone can imagine. Considering what we went through at this time last year, it’s a breath of fresh air for us to operate as a normal family. I will never ever take that for granted again.
That said, I am sort of at a loss as to where to go next with my blog. I want to keep it up for the kids sake – but as they rapidly approach their first birthday, I can’t help but wonder how valuable it really will be for them someday? If you could see the amount of video and photos that I take on a daily basis, you might agree with me; the blog is just an “extra” and can’t possibly capture the memories that the photos and videos do. But I like blogging; and I like being able to express myself on “paper” so to speak. So, I won’t stop…but I need to refocus and figure out what my blog will be for. Maybe that will give me some direction.
A friend recently said to me “Having seen your boys in person and knowing that they are fine now, I am making myself stop checking your blog because I feel like I’m being nosey”. Although as the blog author, I by no means feel that anyone is being nosey (after all, I’m putting it out there for anyone to read), I can relate to that feeling. I check other blogs on a weekly basis too and it feels sorta funny sometimes knowing what is going on in other peoples lives so intricately. But in this day and age, the amount of people that ‘blog” is quite amazing. And people blog about ANYTHING. I have found some of my greatest support in other blogs where people have poured their hearts out and you somehow find comfort in knowing how other people handle certain things. It helps to teach lessons about life that you might not otherwise have learned. And there is something about reading a blog about someone who you have never met – yet you feel like you know them when you know as much as you do after reading their entries.
I recently came across a blog that a woman writes after having lost one of her twins. This woman is an amazing writer. And reading her blog has put so much into perspective for me. Rather, it has helped me to understand my own feelings during this time in my life and realize that this emotional confusion is normal. Being able to tap into someone else’s perspective on things (no matter what it might be) with the click of a mouse is a pretty cool thing if you think about it. It really is.
My kids are my pride and joy. My life now revolves around them. And I don’t want it any other way. But there is more to life than “the kids”. And I feel that I have learned so much over the last year of my life that I need to try to articulate it a little better than just posting updated photos of my children. They have taught me life’s lessons in a very short time – and I want to find a way to share that. If nothing else, to continue the journey for the kids sake but let them know about the life’s lessons that are out there waiting for them.
The other issue that bothers me a lot is that I have some followers that are still on their quest to have children. It pains me that they continue to check back on my blog and see happy faces full of laughter; yet they are still trying for their own. I know that sometimes that can restore some hope, but I’ve been there before and I know how painful it can be at the same time. Many of my lessons were learned along that part of my journey as well; and I will never forget that.
I almost feel a sense of relief just writing about this since it’s been bothering me for weeks. I keep the blog updates going for the sake of some of my out of town family and friends. But it hasn’t been nearly as meaningful and fulfilling as it once was. It’s time to go back to square one…hopefully my focus can change a bit in the coming weeks. Stay tuned…
I've reached a point though that I feel like it’s so boring and uneventful. It’s strange – I think about blogging every day yet I don’t normally have anything to write about. In our world, life is normal now, THANK GOD. There is no drama (aside from the occasional bat or two, or a cat catching fiasco). Seriously, I feel so fulfilled and complete. And although there is always something exciting going on in our house, it’s just like everyone else’s. In our world, normal is something that I have strived for for a long, long time. I’m so thankful for it. And believe me, I’m more thankful for that than anyone can imagine. Considering what we went through at this time last year, it’s a breath of fresh air for us to operate as a normal family. I will never ever take that for granted again.
That said, I am sort of at a loss as to where to go next with my blog. I want to keep it up for the kids sake – but as they rapidly approach their first birthday, I can’t help but wonder how valuable it really will be for them someday? If you could see the amount of video and photos that I take on a daily basis, you might agree with me; the blog is just an “extra” and can’t possibly capture the memories that the photos and videos do. But I like blogging; and I like being able to express myself on “paper” so to speak. So, I won’t stop…but I need to refocus and figure out what my blog will be for. Maybe that will give me some direction.
A friend recently said to me “Having seen your boys in person and knowing that they are fine now, I am making myself stop checking your blog because I feel like I’m being nosey”. Although as the blog author, I by no means feel that anyone is being nosey (after all, I’m putting it out there for anyone to read), I can relate to that feeling. I check other blogs on a weekly basis too and it feels sorta funny sometimes knowing what is going on in other peoples lives so intricately. But in this day and age, the amount of people that ‘blog” is quite amazing. And people blog about ANYTHING. I have found some of my greatest support in other blogs where people have poured their hearts out and you somehow find comfort in knowing how other people handle certain things. It helps to teach lessons about life that you might not otherwise have learned. And there is something about reading a blog about someone who you have never met – yet you feel like you know them when you know as much as you do after reading their entries.
I recently came across a blog that a woman writes after having lost one of her twins. This woman is an amazing writer. And reading her blog has put so much into perspective for me. Rather, it has helped me to understand my own feelings during this time in my life and realize that this emotional confusion is normal. Being able to tap into someone else’s perspective on things (no matter what it might be) with the click of a mouse is a pretty cool thing if you think about it. It really is.
My kids are my pride and joy. My life now revolves around them. And I don’t want it any other way. But there is more to life than “the kids”. And I feel that I have learned so much over the last year of my life that I need to try to articulate it a little better than just posting updated photos of my children. They have taught me life’s lessons in a very short time – and I want to find a way to share that. If nothing else, to continue the journey for the kids sake but let them know about the life’s lessons that are out there waiting for them.
The other issue that bothers me a lot is that I have some followers that are still on their quest to have children. It pains me that they continue to check back on my blog and see happy faces full of laughter; yet they are still trying for their own. I know that sometimes that can restore some hope, but I’ve been there before and I know how painful it can be at the same time. Many of my lessons were learned along that part of my journey as well; and I will never forget that.
I almost feel a sense of relief just writing about this since it’s been bothering me for weeks. I keep the blog updates going for the sake of some of my out of town family and friends. But it hasn’t been nearly as meaningful and fulfilling as it once was. It’s time to go back to square one…hopefully my focus can change a bit in the coming weeks. Stay tuned…
Drugs for kids (the good stuff!)
Yes, JD & Cole were introduced to Baby Einstein yesterday for the first time...I knew there was a reason we didn't do this sooner - they were enthralled!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Uh oh!
JD is officially crawling on all 4's and pulling himself to stand - watch out world! It's a proud day!
Like father, like son...Cole is destined to be our soccer player, no question!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Is it Friday yet?
Aye. What a week. THREE sick babies (yes, my husband is one of the three) makes for a long week…. We have a new visitor in our house. And no, not the bats (they are gone, by the way). It's the coxsackie virus - wooo hooo! AKA - Hand Foot Mouth Disease. I thought it was a bout with bad summer colds but as both kids lost their appetites and started to cough terribly and start weezing, I took them to the ped today. Turns out, they have HFMD - which runs it's course on it's own within 7-10 days. GULP.
We started round the clock motrin for pain and the nebulizer treatments for their breathing as soon as we arrived home. I jinxed us. Last week, I took all of the respiratory meds we had left (like 150 doses) from the post-NICU days and gave them to the pediatrician's office, KNOWING I would not need them any more. Low and behold, they gave them all right back to me today when we walked out the door. I knew I should have held on to them, just in case. Murphy's Law strikes again.
This week has been one for the books. It all started on Monday when the vet called and said they would be late for our appointment. Any of you who know my psychotic cat know that I can no longer take him to the vet since he’s such a spaz so we have to have the vet COME TO US. Thank goodness for our mobile pet vet – she’s awesome if anyone has a similar problem. Anyway, she called and said she would arrive around 4:30/5pm; which would normally be fine but that is when I feed the kids dinner which is a whole circus in itself. So, 4:45 rolls around and chaos ensues.
The vet walks in, the cats scatter and the kids start cranking up since it’s dinner time. Mac and cheese in the microwave, cheerios sprawled everywhere and cats meowing crazily as we try to chase them throughout the house. The vet usually does her “visit” in the bathroom so the cat can’t get away – but before that, we have to catch them to get them in there. Long story short, after about 30 minutes of trying to coax Gus out of small places, they had to pull out all of the stops to catch big Gus and get the net. Yes, it’s like the kind that you see on cartoons that the “dog catcher” uses. So there we are, poking him out from under the bed with my swiffer (gotta love those things) and off he goes into the net on the other side. He was making noises that I never knew a cat could make. He hates me, still.
By the time the cats were done, we were nearing the end of dinner and JD goes into a coughing fit, causing him to throw up all of the dinner he just ate. Followed shortly by Cole who just gagged on lord knows what and threw all of his up too. In between making sure that the kids aren’t choking, the cats aren’t coming after me and slipping on my butt from the water that JD spilled on the floor when he tossed his sippy cup, I pay the vet and get her and her assistant out of the house. Two less people to worry about….
On we go – right to the baths (I made a short stop at the frig for a glass of wine, on the advice of my smart mother who called in the midst of all of this). Finally, 7:45 pm and the boys are tucked in bed. C had arrived home in the midst of the chaos and made us a wonderful dinner…ah, perfect ending to a long afternoon. Thank goodness my husband can cook. Only to be awaken at midnight by crying babies...
Since then, we have had intermittent sleep every night due to fevers, congestion and coughing. My poor little guys – I never knew such little bodies could produce so much mucus (ewww). The midnight to 4am stint last night was brutal and apparently I'm in for a few more of those, according to the doctor. I just feel awful for the kids after learning that the source of their will NOT to sleep is from pain in their throats. I wish their pain could be transfered to me so they felt better instantly.
This too shall pass - we've got our work cut out for us this weekend. Never a dull moment!
We started round the clock motrin for pain and the nebulizer treatments for their breathing as soon as we arrived home. I jinxed us. Last week, I took all of the respiratory meds we had left (like 150 doses) from the post-NICU days and gave them to the pediatrician's office, KNOWING I would not need them any more. Low and behold, they gave them all right back to me today when we walked out the door. I knew I should have held on to them, just in case. Murphy's Law strikes again.
This week has been one for the books. It all started on Monday when the vet called and said they would be late for our appointment. Any of you who know my psychotic cat know that I can no longer take him to the vet since he’s such a spaz so we have to have the vet COME TO US. Thank goodness for our mobile pet vet – she’s awesome if anyone has a similar problem. Anyway, she called and said she would arrive around 4:30/5pm; which would normally be fine but that is when I feed the kids dinner which is a whole circus in itself. So, 4:45 rolls around and chaos ensues.
The vet walks in, the cats scatter and the kids start cranking up since it’s dinner time. Mac and cheese in the microwave, cheerios sprawled everywhere and cats meowing crazily as we try to chase them throughout the house. The vet usually does her “visit” in the bathroom so the cat can’t get away – but before that, we have to catch them to get them in there. Long story short, after about 30 minutes of trying to coax Gus out of small places, they had to pull out all of the stops to catch big Gus and get the net. Yes, it’s like the kind that you see on cartoons that the “dog catcher” uses. So there we are, poking him out from under the bed with my swiffer (gotta love those things) and off he goes into the net on the other side. He was making noises that I never knew a cat could make. He hates me, still.
By the time the cats were done, we were nearing the end of dinner and JD goes into a coughing fit, causing him to throw up all of the dinner he just ate. Followed shortly by Cole who just gagged on lord knows what and threw all of his up too. In between making sure that the kids aren’t choking, the cats aren’t coming after me and slipping on my butt from the water that JD spilled on the floor when he tossed his sippy cup, I pay the vet and get her and her assistant out of the house. Two less people to worry about….
On we go – right to the baths (I made a short stop at the frig for a glass of wine, on the advice of my smart mother who called in the midst of all of this). Finally, 7:45 pm and the boys are tucked in bed. C had arrived home in the midst of the chaos and made us a wonderful dinner…ah, perfect ending to a long afternoon. Thank goodness my husband can cook. Only to be awaken at midnight by crying babies...
Since then, we have had intermittent sleep every night due to fevers, congestion and coughing. My poor little guys – I never knew such little bodies could produce so much mucus (ewww). The midnight to 4am stint last night was brutal and apparently I'm in for a few more of those, according to the doctor. I just feel awful for the kids after learning that the source of their will NOT to sleep is from pain in their throats. I wish their pain could be transfered to me so they felt better instantly.
This too shall pass - we've got our work cut out for us this weekend. Never a dull moment!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
A glimpse of JD & Cole's world....
Too crazy hot to go outside to play so we played inside instead...
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Outnumbered!
4 Mommies & 9 babies under 1 year old = DANGEROUS (But fun!)
We had a MOMs group playdate yesterday (thanks for hosting Jen!) with the kids - it was a hoot. The last one we had was in May'ish and the kids were not nearly as mobile as they are now. My, how things have changed! The kids did great - everyone got along, no casualties. Mackenzie and Grace are certainly outnumbered by the 7 boys...those boys will be fighting over those cutie's before too long. Watch out girls!
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