I am prematurity.
I am the chart that reads 0/3 – three pregnancies with no children.
I am the tears on a Labor and Delivery hospital room bed.
I am the spikes on a contraction monitor.
I am the sadness in the doctor’s eyes at 22 weeks.
I am the steroid shots at 24 weeks.
I am the crowded operating room at 27 weeks.
I am the NICU.
I am the isolette.
I am the tiny child swaddled in wires.
I am the parents’ fear.
I am the roller coaster of emotions.
I am the dance of two steps forward, one step back.
I am the ABCs – apnea and bradycardia.
I am the pulse-ox monitor.
I am the alarms sounding desats.
I am the oxygen.
I am the feeding tubes.
I am the stimulation.
I am the new normal.
I am the haze and fog.
I am the time in between – after birth but before my due date.
I am the parents.
I am the nurses and doctors.
I am the family and friends.
I am the miracle of a tiny breath.
I am the miracle of life.
I am a miracle.
I am prematurity.
I am aware.
We are hope.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Our newest additions
Meet Sammy & Ben (named after Cole's favorite show, BEN 10). Sammy in blue, is JD's fish and Ben in Red, is Cole's fish. I never dreamed you would be so excited about FISH. It was so much fun picking them out and bringing them home to their new home.
I am a bit worried that the fish may be so jostled that they may not make it through the night - but time will tell. While I have high hopes about how much you boys are going to help take care of these little creatures, something tells me that I just signed on for 2 additional mouths to feed each day and two more bowls to keep clean. Daddy warned you last night that "fish don't last very long" so we've got our fingers crossed that these guys will be with us a while. If the hermit crabs that you had 2 years ago are any indication of how long our pets stick around, we're in for the long haul. In the hermit crab world, 18 months was a long life at the Licameli's!
Welcome to you Ben and Sammy - we're happy you're here!
I am a bit worried that the fish may be so jostled that they may not make it through the night - but time will tell. While I have high hopes about how much you boys are going to help take care of these little creatures, something tells me that I just signed on for 2 additional mouths to feed each day and two more bowls to keep clean. Daddy warned you last night that "fish don't last very long" so we've got our fingers crossed that these guys will be with us a while. If the hermit crabs that you had 2 years ago are any indication of how long our pets stick around, we're in for the long haul. In the hermit crab world, 18 months was a long life at the Licameli's!
Welcome to you Ben and Sammy - we're happy you're here!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
FIVE!
You are 5 + 1day today. I couldn't write yesterday because we have been out of power due to Hurricane Irene. You guys had a GREAT 5th Birthday! We had big plans for you this past weekend but the Hurricane came and we couldn't do what we had planned. You didn't seem to care. Daddy & I were very bummed about it but I think we cared more than you did that our plans didn't work out as planned.
On Sunday, the day before your birthday, we were house bound due to weather so we opened your gifts that day. Transformers & Star Wars were the themes of choice this year - you couldn't have been happier. You were showered by gifts from family too - lots of toys and books. We stayed at Mimi's on Sunday night since they had generator power and you got to wake up on your birthday with your cousins and grandparents. What could be better? As stressed out as I was about this - it worked out perfectly for you guys. I wish I could remember to live in the moment more often like you do!
You had a party at school with your class friends - JD, you had a star wars cake and Cole, you had a transformers cake. Your classmates sang to you and gave you birthday cards. Perfect celebration with your pals. We headed to Chevy's with our family for dinner and you had a ball. You wore big hats, ate ice cream and screamed ole'. It was a great day for the two of you - you relished in the attention and enjoyed turning five.
Me, on the other hand, had a bit of a hard time with it. I love watching you have birthdays. You love getting bigger and older - and I love that for you. But I cannot stop time and that is really hard for me. I want to keep you small. It's going by too fast.
Your brother Calvin was also on my mind all day. From the moment I woke up. My heart hurt a bit for him - and couldn't help but remember your actual BIRTH day - I just know that he was with all of us all day yesterday looking down smiling. You boys are my world. And there is nothing that brings me more happiness than watching you be happy. Birthdays are special days for sure. Just as special for the Moms as they are for their kids. Celebrating that day is at the top of my list. I honor your brother and count my blessings for the two of you. Happy Birthday to my babies - I Love you!
-Mommy
On Sunday, the day before your birthday, we were house bound due to weather so we opened your gifts that day. Transformers & Star Wars were the themes of choice this year - you couldn't have been happier. You were showered by gifts from family too - lots of toys and books. We stayed at Mimi's on Sunday night since they had generator power and you got to wake up on your birthday with your cousins and grandparents. What could be better? As stressed out as I was about this - it worked out perfectly for you guys. I wish I could remember to live in the moment more often like you do!
You had a party at school with your class friends - JD, you had a star wars cake and Cole, you had a transformers cake. Your classmates sang to you and gave you birthday cards. Perfect celebration with your pals. We headed to Chevy's with our family for dinner and you had a ball. You wore big hats, ate ice cream and screamed ole'. It was a great day for the two of you - you relished in the attention and enjoyed turning five.
Me, on the other hand, had a bit of a hard time with it. I love watching you have birthdays. You love getting bigger and older - and I love that for you. But I cannot stop time and that is really hard for me. I want to keep you small. It's going by too fast.
Your brother Calvin was also on my mind all day. From the moment I woke up. My heart hurt a bit for him - and couldn't help but remember your actual BIRTH day - I just know that he was with all of us all day yesterday looking down smiling. You boys are my world. And there is nothing that brings me more happiness than watching you be happy. Birthdays are special days for sure. Just as special for the Moms as they are for their kids. Celebrating that day is at the top of my list. I honor your brother and count my blessings for the two of you. Happy Birthday to my babies - I Love you!
-Mommy
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
EARTHQUAKE!
Well boys, we had an earthquake today! It was my first earthquake in my 41 years - and certainly your first earthquake experience. We were in the Walmart parking lot loading the car and I you both had just climbed in the car. I was loading our bags and the car started shaking - I thought the two of you were jumping around or something making the car move. I asked you to please stop and buckle up and low and behold, the shaking got worse and it lasted about 15 seconds. I knew pretty quick that it was an earthquake but wasn't exactly sure what to do. I envisioned the earth cracking and us getting swallowed up into it (I have obviously seen one too many of those sci-fi movies where natural disaster takes the world).
Just after it ended, Daddy called from his office in DC and they had experienced the same thing about 8 minutes earlier. We were safe - and thank goodness we were outdoors and not inside of the store still. It was such a crazy feeling - one I will never forget. It was a helpless feeling, and one that makes you stop in your tracks and wonder what is going on and what to do next.
As it sounds now, it was a 5.8 on the richter scale - which is a fairly significant earthquake. The epi-center was a bit north of Richmond so it was a good 200 miles away.
As of today, we also have hurricane IRENE bearing down on us - forecasted to possibly hit our coastal area this weekend. Mother nature is putting us to the test!
Just after it ended, Daddy called from his office in DC and they had experienced the same thing about 8 minutes earlier. We were safe - and thank goodness we were outdoors and not inside of the store still. It was such a crazy feeling - one I will never forget. It was a helpless feeling, and one that makes you stop in your tracks and wonder what is going on and what to do next.
As it sounds now, it was a 5.8 on the richter scale - which is a fairly significant earthquake. The epi-center was a bit north of Richmond so it was a good 200 miles away.
As of today, we also have hurricane IRENE bearing down on us - forecasted to possibly hit our coastal area this weekend. Mother nature is putting us to the test!
Monday, August 22, 2011
First Day of Pre-K
Big step today - for the first time, you two are going to be separated in class. I think this is going to be amazing for both of you! As we walked out our front door to school today, Cole, you started to act funny. You got tears in your eyes and said you weren't ready to leave room #4 yet. I wasn't surprised that you got a little sad - change is hard for you. This was the first time you have been sad - and it didn't last long. JD, you were so excited, you bounced all the way to the car. You both had your new school sneakers on which light up on the bottom (special back to school treat) and that was your highlight for today. You were going to get to show everyone your NEW SHOES!
Nonetheless, we got to school and I took you to your respective classrooms. JD, your new teacher wasn't there yet so I didn't get to meet her - but you put away your backpack in your new cubby, and your lunch, and went off on your merry way. I barely got a kiss good bye. I was so proud that you love school so much and are so happy and eager about what is to come. Ms. Simmons & Ms. Linda are so lucky to have you! But at the same time, I was a bit sad for myself since you didn't hesitate to let me walk out so easy.
Cole, we went over to your classroom (across the hall) and you were a little timid. But you did great. We found your new cubby and put your backpack away. Mrs. Kaupa brought you over and showed you where to put your lunch and you did the same. You explained everything in your lunch to her and quickly became a chatterbox. When I left, you hugged me extra hard and blew a kiss. You were off and running too. Mrs. Kaupa will love having you in class, I just know it.
As I left your school today, I cried. I cried happy tears for you both - you are so eager to learn and you really enjoy where you are. I also cried scared tears because just one year from now, I have to turn you over to Kindergarten where you will be really on your own compared to now. It's just so hard to believe that time has gone so fast. You are starting to make your way in the world.
I cannot even put into words the joy I have in my heart watching you grow, love and learn. There have been a few hard lessons along the way (and MANY more to come) but watching you turn into little people is just amazing. You make my heart so full - and I often don't know how I got so lucky. I know that this year is going to be a great one for you both - we elected to hold you back for an extra year since you are turning 5 just 2 days before the cut off for kindergarten. I know in my heart this is the right thing for you both and by the time next year rolls around, you will be so prepared and ready. You'll be the oldest in your class, which will do you well down the road.
I can't wait to pick you up later today and hear about your days! Now I get to listen to both of you tell me your school day stories - such fun!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, August 15, 2011
Almost 5
We were scheduled to have a family photographer come take our picture and she had to cancel due to a family emergency. So, off we went for our own photo shoot. Bribery with ice cream works wonders, even if it is only 9am in the morning. I had a great time doing it - and you guys cooperated really well. It's just amazing that you're really almost 5. Where did the time go?
Sweet Baby Rays
One time while you were in the tub, Daddy came through with his promise and put sweet baby rays on Cole's leg. You would have thought your leg was on fire, Cole. He actually grabs the sweet baby rays and chases you with it. You guys are really scared of it! It makes me laugh. He teases you incessantly. He's always teasing about something. Apparently this comes from Grampa Joe - Daddy was teased by his Dad all of the time too.
Yesterday while shopping at the grocery store at the beach, I picked up a bottle of SWEET.BABY.RAYS and brought it home. We were in need of some here too. As we were stuck inside due to the rain, you guys teased each other all day with it. It was in and out of the frig a thousand times all day. It's amazing how something so silly can have such a profound effect on you.
The ironic part is that neither of you like BBQ sauce - hopefully it's not because of this. I wonder how long this will go on and you will really be scared of getting doused with BBQ sauce?!?!
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Friday, August 05, 2011
Yet another parenting fail....
I just need to get this down for posterity purposes - Cole, you're a piece of work. We're in trouble in about 10 more years (or less).
The other morning, as you were struggling to get dressed before school, you yelled out in frustration "Mom, my fuckin' underwear don't work". Hoping that I did not hear what I thought I heard, I calmly asked "what did you say?".
You gladly repeated yourself, very loudly "MOM, I SAID MY FUCKIN' UNDERWEAR DON'T WORK". That's what I thought you said. I tried so hard to keep a straight face and tell you that was inappropriate and you were not allowed to say such things. Not an easy task - something about hearing a 4 year old say the "F" word keeps you from keeping a straight face. Especially when it's in the right context. You nailed it.
Not one of my more proud parenting moments. I have NO idea where you heard that word - certainly could not have been from me.....
The other morning, as you were struggling to get dressed before school, you yelled out in frustration "Mom, my fuckin' underwear don't work". Hoping that I did not hear what I thought I heard, I calmly asked "what did you say?".
You gladly repeated yourself, very loudly "MOM, I SAID MY FUCKIN' UNDERWEAR DON'T WORK". That's what I thought you said. I tried so hard to keep a straight face and tell you that was inappropriate and you were not allowed to say such things. Not an easy task - something about hearing a 4 year old say the "F" word keeps you from keeping a straight face. Especially when it's in the right context. You nailed it.
Not one of my more proud parenting moments. I have NO idea where you heard that word - certainly could not have been from me.....
My Missing Boy
Most days, I only think of you once or twice Calvin. There are other days that you are with me all day long. There’s really no rhyme or reason. But those days that you are with me all day, I love it. I have had a lot of them lately.
I would give anything to have you here with us. Your brothers talk about you all of the time. Cole still sleeps with his “baby Calvin” beanie baby. I love that. Last week, while putting away clothes in JD’s closet, I saw your yellow box. I stopped what I was doing and opened it. JD was with me and wondered what was in there. We looked at your photos – I only showed him one of them – it was the one with the 3 of you together, just after you were born. You were all wrapped in blankets. He said “Mommy, that isn’t baby Calvin? He doesn’t look like that. He looks like Cole’s little sleeping buddy”. JD actually thought you looked like the stuffed animal when you were born. That innocence made me smile.
Although both of your brothers have been told that you looked just like Cole and were his identical twin, they don’t understand it all yet. I try to tell them things about you to help them understand. But I think they are still too young to understand how you could have been there, and are gone now. We’re working on it.
I miss you terribly. My heart still hurts for you a lot. We have so much fun as a family and I just know that it would be even better if you were here too. A few weeks ago we had some friends come to the beach house – 2 sets of triplets. The entire time, I thought of you. I was reminded that you were gone too soon. I pictured what it would be like to have the three of you together, playing on the beach, enjoying each other in the sunshine. My photos would have one more handsome boy in them. I can only hope that someday soon I can find the grace to explain what a hero you really are to your brothers. When they can finally understand this, they will be so proud. It’s only been recently that when people have asked them if they are twins that they look at me and say “we’re triplets”. My heart bursts every time. They are slowly starting to understand.
I love you buddy.
I would give anything to have you here with us. Your brothers talk about you all of the time. Cole still sleeps with his “baby Calvin” beanie baby. I love that. Last week, while putting away clothes in JD’s closet, I saw your yellow box. I stopped what I was doing and opened it. JD was with me and wondered what was in there. We looked at your photos – I only showed him one of them – it was the one with the 3 of you together, just after you were born. You were all wrapped in blankets. He said “Mommy, that isn’t baby Calvin? He doesn’t look like that. He looks like Cole’s little sleeping buddy”. JD actually thought you looked like the stuffed animal when you were born. That innocence made me smile.
Although both of your brothers have been told that you looked just like Cole and were his identical twin, they don’t understand it all yet. I try to tell them things about you to help them understand. But I think they are still too young to understand how you could have been there, and are gone now. We’re working on it.
I miss you terribly. My heart still hurts for you a lot. We have so much fun as a family and I just know that it would be even better if you were here too. A few weeks ago we had some friends come to the beach house – 2 sets of triplets. The entire time, I thought of you. I was reminded that you were gone too soon. I pictured what it would be like to have the three of you together, playing on the beach, enjoying each other in the sunshine. My photos would have one more handsome boy in them. I can only hope that someday soon I can find the grace to explain what a hero you really are to your brothers. When they can finally understand this, they will be so proud. It’s only been recently that when people have asked them if they are twins that they look at me and say “we’re triplets”. My heart bursts every time. They are slowly starting to understand.
I love you buddy.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Boys will be boys
I'm getting my true taste of "boys" these days. Little boys are amazing - in so many ways. If I had a penny for every potty word that was said in my house every day, I would be a millionaire by now. Seriously. What is the deal with potty talk and 4 year old boys? WHY IS IT ALL SO FUNNY? I don't get it.
The obsession over everything "male" will never cease to amaze me. Between the bodily sounds from all orafices and the urge to get naked at any givenhour minute - all modesty that was once in our house is now gone. Probably FOREVER.
As frustrated as I get, I laugh just as much. It's pretty hilarious - but only when it's under our own roof. C, you threw me for a loop recently. When I arrived at school, you were looking a little guilty. Usually when something has gone wrong at school, it's only a matter of 10 seconds or so after I arrive that you have spilled the beans and you give it all up. Tears and all. You've got my number my son.
This particular day, it didn't come up until we were almost out the front door of the school. One of you told me that C had been in a little bit of trouble that day. To which I replied, ok, lets get in the car and then we'll talk. We got buckled in and I started pulling away and I hear "MOM, C showed **** (a girl) his penis today". OMG. WHAT? I asked again to be sure I heard correctly and Mr. Tattletail said it again. Sure enough, he did. He showed a girl his penis. TWICE. IN. THE. CLASSROOM.
I can honestly say, I had NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I pulled over and stopped the car. When I turned around, I saw him sobbing in the back seat. Unable to speak and wallowing in his shame for what he had done. Speechless, I was so conflicted - so sad for him because he had knowingly made a bad choice - yet so shocked and amazed that he had made SUCH a bad choice. How did this happen?
Long story short, we got the whole story out eventually, I verified it immediately with the teacher and we all learned a lesson. I can't lie, it took me a few days to get over it. It was innocent. And it was peer pressure. And it was not good. And I can only hope that it won't happen again. These are the moments that parenting is not an easy gig. And there are many more of these moments to come I'm sure - I can only hope that they don't involve the male anatomy.....(somehow I think this is only the beginning)
The obsession over everything "male" will never cease to amaze me. Between the bodily sounds from all orafices and the urge to get naked at any given
As frustrated as I get, I laugh just as much. It's pretty hilarious - but only when it's under our own roof. C, you threw me for a loop recently. When I arrived at school, you were looking a little guilty. Usually when something has gone wrong at school, it's only a matter of 10 seconds or so after I arrive that you have spilled the beans and you give it all up. Tears and all. You've got my number my son.
This particular day, it didn't come up until we were almost out the front door of the school. One of you told me that C had been in a little bit of trouble that day. To which I replied, ok, lets get in the car and then we'll talk. We got buckled in and I started pulling away and I hear "MOM, C showed **** (a girl) his penis today". OMG. WHAT? I asked again to be sure I heard correctly and Mr. Tattletail said it again. Sure enough, he did. He showed a girl his penis. TWICE. IN. THE. CLASSROOM.
I can honestly say, I had NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I pulled over and stopped the car. When I turned around, I saw him sobbing in the back seat. Unable to speak and wallowing in his shame for what he had done. Speechless, I was so conflicted - so sad for him because he had knowingly made a bad choice - yet so shocked and amazed that he had made SUCH a bad choice. How did this happen?
Long story short, we got the whole story out eventually, I verified it immediately with the teacher and we all learned a lesson. I can't lie, it took me a few days to get over it. It was innocent. And it was peer pressure. And it was not good. And I can only hope that it won't happen again. These are the moments that parenting is not an easy gig. And there are many more of these moments to come I'm sure - I can only hope that they don't involve the male anatomy.....(somehow I think this is only the beginning)
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
My little backseat driver
Well JD, we learned a lesson together today - a great lesson for you on how Mommies sometimes get in trouble too! We're not perfect!
For months, you have been inquiring about the "rules of the road" as we drive. You know that you have to stop completely at stop signs, that you can't speed, that you sometimes can turn right on red and as of today, that you cannot make a U turn when there is a NO U TURN sign.
We were driving on Ritchie Hwy, a road I have driven on my entire life. We were headed to get the oil changed in the car and as we sat at a stop light near the Jiffy Lube, you noticed a sign ahead. As we discussed how we were going to get to the Jiffy Lube that we had already passed on the other side of the highway, I explained that we were going to do a U turn to get there. While I was explaining this, you noticed the
and you asked what this sign meant. I said "Oh, hmmm, that means we're not allowed to do a U turn here - but we're doing one anyway". And by the way, I had not even noticed the "new" sign until you pointed it out. I have done U turns there for years - this sign had not been there for long. Just then, the light turned and I made an illegal U turn (much to your dismay). As I was rounding the corner, I saw a police car sitting on the other side of the highway and he was pulling out, with lights on, to get us. You couldn't see him because he was behind us but when I told you that the police were behind us and we had to stop, you were scared. Your eyes were as big as saucers. You asked if I was going to jail. Your cheeks were red and your eyes were welled up.
I FELT AWFUL! I had just set a terrible example for you by doing something illegal, even though I knew it was illegal. We saw the sign - YOU (my 4.5 year old in the back seat) pointed it out! I did it anyway.
So, Mr. Police officer came to my window and asked if I knew what he pulled me over for. I lied again and said "No". I was praying that you weren't going to pipe up in the back and say, we saw the no U turn sign back there but she did it anyway. I think you were too scared to open your mouth though....he told me that it was because that was an illegal U turn and there were signs there - how did I not see them? After he took my license and registration back to his car - you were full of questions. I reassured you that we were not going to jail - but that I did something very wrong and I might get a ticket. You needed to know all about that and how much it would cost etc.
It must have been our lucky day because he gave me a warning - no ticket. And he told me to watch for the signs next time. As we sat waiting for him to come back to the car, all of our windows were down - it was a beautiful sunny day. As he walked away from the car for the last time, you promptly said "MOMMY, I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A NO U TURN SIGN THERE". With the windows down, I'm certain he heard your little voice reprimanding me - and I'm sure it gave him a good laugh.
So, we all learned a lesson today. Parents aren't perfect - and there is always a good opportunity to teach your kids a lesson, even if they have to see it the hard way. I am certain that this experience is going to be engrained in you forever now - you were scared and terribly upset that I had done the wrong thing. I guess that's not such a bad thing afterall is it? You are my conscience when I'm driving my Son - now and forever - even at the age of 4.5.
I love you buddy!
For months, you have been inquiring about the "rules of the road" as we drive. You know that you have to stop completely at stop signs, that you can't speed, that you sometimes can turn right on red and as of today, that you cannot make a U turn when there is a NO U TURN sign.
We were driving on Ritchie Hwy, a road I have driven on my entire life. We were headed to get the oil changed in the car and as we sat at a stop light near the Jiffy Lube, you noticed a sign ahead. As we discussed how we were going to get to the Jiffy Lube that we had already passed on the other side of the highway, I explained that we were going to do a U turn to get there. While I was explaining this, you noticed the
and you asked what this sign meant. I said "Oh, hmmm, that means we're not allowed to do a U turn here - but we're doing one anyway". And by the way, I had not even noticed the "new" sign until you pointed it out. I have done U turns there for years - this sign had not been there for long. Just then, the light turned and I made an illegal U turn (much to your dismay). As I was rounding the corner, I saw a police car sitting on the other side of the highway and he was pulling out, with lights on, to get us. You couldn't see him because he was behind us but when I told you that the police were behind us and we had to stop, you were scared. Your eyes were as big as saucers. You asked if I was going to jail. Your cheeks were red and your eyes were welled up.
I FELT AWFUL! I had just set a terrible example for you by doing something illegal, even though I knew it was illegal. We saw the sign - YOU (my 4.5 year old in the back seat) pointed it out! I did it anyway.
So, Mr. Police officer came to my window and asked if I knew what he pulled me over for. I lied again and said "No". I was praying that you weren't going to pipe up in the back and say, we saw the no U turn sign back there but she did it anyway. I think you were too scared to open your mouth though....he told me that it was because that was an illegal U turn and there were signs there - how did I not see them? After he took my license and registration back to his car - you were full of questions. I reassured you that we were not going to jail - but that I did something very wrong and I might get a ticket. You needed to know all about that and how much it would cost etc.
It must have been our lucky day because he gave me a warning - no ticket. And he told me to watch for the signs next time. As we sat waiting for him to come back to the car, all of our windows were down - it was a beautiful sunny day. As he walked away from the car for the last time, you promptly said "MOMMY, I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A NO U TURN SIGN THERE". With the windows down, I'm certain he heard your little voice reprimanding me - and I'm sure it gave him a good laugh.
So, we all learned a lesson today. Parents aren't perfect - and there is always a good opportunity to teach your kids a lesson, even if they have to see it the hard way. I am certain that this experience is going to be engrained in you forever now - you were scared and terribly upset that I had done the wrong thing. I guess that's not such a bad thing afterall is it? You are my conscience when I'm driving my Son - now and forever - even at the age of 4.5.
I love you buddy!
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Baby, I was born this way
Well boys, you had a big milestone this week…you got to ride the BIG BOY rides at Funland! We’ve been waiting all winter for Funland to open! There’s not much more exciting than that!
The FREEFALL ride was the ride you were on when I took this photo. JD, you were absolutely horrified and scared, and Cole, you were laughing hysterically and exhilarated. It was AWESOME to watch (although I was caught between crying, laughter and telling the guy running the ride to stop it immediately for you). After it was over, Cole wanted more (and rode 5 more times) and you wanted to get as far as you could away from it. You immediately declared that “you’ll never ride that thing again”. I cannot look at this photo without convulsing in laughter…
Anyone who *knows* you, knows that the two of you are very different, even though you’re twins. Most people think that because you are twins and you both have blond hair, that you should be exactly alike.
I snapped many pictures over the course of the weekend and this one jumped out at me as I was downloading and looking at them. This photo speaks volumes about your personalities and the fact that you are so very different. I take pride in that fact – I strive to give you both the individuality that you deserve – since most of society wants to lump you together as one.
I want to see you flourish doing your own things – having your own favorite activities and things you are good at. Your personalities are very different, which will serve you well through life. You’re best buddies *most* of the time – and you compliment each other perfectly with your traits. Nothing warms my heart more than to see you each excel at different things and be proud of each other for those things. You encourage each other in subtle ways that only a Mom can see.
I have a feeling that this photo is going to speak volumes about the two of you for years – Our wise pediatrician once told me, shortly after you were born, that the only thing you have in common was the day you were born. He made sure that I remembered to keep that in mind while we help you grow up. You are two very different people physically, emotionally and socially. And I could not be more proud of you at this young age, for the boys you have grown to be!
I can’t wait to go to Funland again for our next adventures!
The FREEFALL ride was the ride you were on when I took this photo. JD, you were absolutely horrified and scared, and Cole, you were laughing hysterically and exhilarated. It was AWESOME to watch (although I was caught between crying, laughter and telling the guy running the ride to stop it immediately for you). After it was over, Cole wanted more (and rode 5 more times) and you wanted to get as far as you could away from it. You immediately declared that “you’ll never ride that thing again”. I cannot look at this photo without convulsing in laughter…
Anyone who *knows* you, knows that the two of you are very different, even though you’re twins. Most people think that because you are twins and you both have blond hair, that you should be exactly alike.
I snapped many pictures over the course of the weekend and this one jumped out at me as I was downloading and looking at them. This photo speaks volumes about your personalities and the fact that you are so very different. I take pride in that fact – I strive to give you both the individuality that you deserve – since most of society wants to lump you together as one.
I want to see you flourish doing your own things – having your own favorite activities and things you are good at. Your personalities are very different, which will serve you well through life. You’re best buddies *most* of the time – and you compliment each other perfectly with your traits. Nothing warms my heart more than to see you each excel at different things and be proud of each other for those things. You encourage each other in subtle ways that only a Mom can see.
I have a feeling that this photo is going to speak volumes about the two of you for years – Our wise pediatrician once told me, shortly after you were born, that the only thing you have in common was the day you were born. He made sure that I remembered to keep that in mind while we help you grow up. You are two very different people physically, emotionally and socially. And I could not be more proud of you at this young age, for the boys you have grown to be!
I can’t wait to go to Funland again for our next adventures!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Mothers Day
For a couple of weeks, I've been struggling to figure out what is going on in my head. I've always cried easily - but lately I've had a lump in my throat a lot - not necessarily in a bad way. My friend's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. Another friend lost her Dad suddenly. Another friend lost her 25 week preemie at just 9 days old. Tough stuff to watch friends go through. Reminders that are familiar in a way to me, of years past.
And then I went on an amazing family vacation with my parents, brother, sister in law, aunt & niece and nephew. I left my husband behind on our trip and missed him terribly. During this trip, I welled up several times a day while I watched my boys with their family. That unconditional love that is so amazing to see. It happened most when I saw them with my Mom & Dad - who were so obviously in heaven as they had all of us together in their place. I reflected back many times that week on my childhood days visiting my grandparents in Florida and remembering fondly how much I loved those trips. I missed my Grammy a lot that week and know she was watching us much of the time, so proud of my Mom and her grand babies. But that lump never went away, even during that wonderful time. I cried terribly when it was time to leave - and a lot the day after we got home.
Yesterday I did a walk with several of my MOM friends in honor of Baby Addi who died from SIDS a year and a half ago. Our friend put our team together to honor her daughter and it was a special morning. I brought the boys on the walk too - and they enjoyed being out there but not really comprehending the reason. Days before we walked, they asked a LOT about Addi and who she was etc. They questioned heaven and if she was with Calvin. We talked a lot about that concept in the days leading up to the walk. Their tshirts had Addi's name on them so when we got dressed yesterday morning, they asked again if she was in heaven with Calvin and if they knew each other. Just as we started the walk, a white butterfly came around us for a quick second. Both kids noticed and commented on it and the butterfly was gone just as quick as it appeared. But it stayed in my head all day - I couldn't help but figure it was the "babies" letting us know that they were with us.
Just last night, I shared some of this with some girlfriends at a party - not really understanding what is going on with me. I turned 41 yesterday - and that certainly wasn't it. Birthday's don't bother me, in fact, I love Birthdays, no matter what the number. I left after talking to them still wondering what was going on. And I still had that "I could cry at any moment" feeling - with no explanation why.
Mothers Day morning - I slept in this morning and layed in bed listening to the boys and Chuck making me breakfast. I loved the sweet sound of thier voices, trying to do their best as Chuck tried not to get frustrated that someone missed the bowl while pouring in the water for the pancake batter. Just as it always is when they help with the baking and pancake making. They loved helping. We had breakfast together. Much like the last couple of Mothers Days we have had. I opened their home made gifts and cried. It tooks us years to be able to have kids and these are the visions I always had - and then some. I cried some more.
Later, as the kids ran outside with Chuck, I checked facebook and ended up on Declans page (declansjourney.org). And at the same time I was reading it, my blackberry dinged with a message from a friend. With tears streaming, it all clicked.
I think much of this has to do with Calvin. Calvin, I miss you so much today. And it was 4 years ago today that we spread your ashes. How could I not have realized this is what has been weighing on me? The tears came - and wouldn't stop. Healing tears, some sad tears, tears of joy, tears of gratitude for what my son Calvin has taught me about life. We left shortly after to go to the cemetary where Calvin's ashes are spread and the kids and I sat for a while, talking about their brother. I asked what they might want to say to him and they simply said "I love you and miss you".
I feel relieved today - and to say I'm grateful wouldn't even be close to what I am, for this life and all that I have. Mothers Day is a special day - and means different things to everyone. I love the day to celebrate my own Mom and all that she means to me. She has given me so much and taught me lessons that I will cherish forever. Her grace and love never cease to amaze me and I treasure every second I have with her.
And I love this day to celebrate being a Mom to 3 amazing boys. Although one is not here with us, he is with us in spirit and continues to teach us life lessons. I am proud to be the Mom of the boys that are with me today - they bring me more joy, love and contentment than anything ever will.
Happy Mothers Day, with love.
And then I went on an amazing family vacation with my parents, brother, sister in law, aunt & niece and nephew. I left my husband behind on our trip and missed him terribly. During this trip, I welled up several times a day while I watched my boys with their family. That unconditional love that is so amazing to see. It happened most when I saw them with my Mom & Dad - who were so obviously in heaven as they had all of us together in their place. I reflected back many times that week on my childhood days visiting my grandparents in Florida and remembering fondly how much I loved those trips. I missed my Grammy a lot that week and know she was watching us much of the time, so proud of my Mom and her grand babies. But that lump never went away, even during that wonderful time. I cried terribly when it was time to leave - and a lot the day after we got home.
Yesterday I did a walk with several of my MOM friends in honor of Baby Addi who died from SIDS a year and a half ago. Our friend put our team together to honor her daughter and it was a special morning. I brought the boys on the walk too - and they enjoyed being out there but not really comprehending the reason. Days before we walked, they asked a LOT about Addi and who she was etc. They questioned heaven and if she was with Calvin. We talked a lot about that concept in the days leading up to the walk. Their tshirts had Addi's name on them so when we got dressed yesterday morning, they asked again if she was in heaven with Calvin and if they knew each other. Just as we started the walk, a white butterfly came around us for a quick second. Both kids noticed and commented on it and the butterfly was gone just as quick as it appeared. But it stayed in my head all day - I couldn't help but figure it was the "babies" letting us know that they were with us.
Just last night, I shared some of this with some girlfriends at a party - not really understanding what is going on with me. I turned 41 yesterday - and that certainly wasn't it. Birthday's don't bother me, in fact, I love Birthdays, no matter what the number. I left after talking to them still wondering what was going on. And I still had that "I could cry at any moment" feeling - with no explanation why.
Mothers Day morning - I slept in this morning and layed in bed listening to the boys and Chuck making me breakfast. I loved the sweet sound of thier voices, trying to do their best as Chuck tried not to get frustrated that someone missed the bowl while pouring in the water for the pancake batter. Just as it always is when they help with the baking and pancake making. They loved helping. We had breakfast together. Much like the last couple of Mothers Days we have had. I opened their home made gifts and cried. It tooks us years to be able to have kids and these are the visions I always had - and then some. I cried some more.
Later, as the kids ran outside with Chuck, I checked facebook and ended up on Declans page (declansjourney.org). And at the same time I was reading it, my blackberry dinged with a message from a friend. With tears streaming, it all clicked.
I think much of this has to do with Calvin. Calvin, I miss you so much today. And it was 4 years ago today that we spread your ashes. How could I not have realized this is what has been weighing on me? The tears came - and wouldn't stop. Healing tears, some sad tears, tears of joy, tears of gratitude for what my son Calvin has taught me about life. We left shortly after to go to the cemetary where Calvin's ashes are spread and the kids and I sat for a while, talking about their brother. I asked what they might want to say to him and they simply said "I love you and miss you".
I feel relieved today - and to say I'm grateful wouldn't even be close to what I am, for this life and all that I have. Mothers Day is a special day - and means different things to everyone. I love the day to celebrate my own Mom and all that she means to me. She has given me so much and taught me lessons that I will cherish forever. Her grace and love never cease to amaze me and I treasure every second I have with her.
And I love this day to celebrate being a Mom to 3 amazing boys. Although one is not here with us, he is with us in spirit and continues to teach us life lessons. I am proud to be the Mom of the boys that are with me today - they bring me more joy, love and contentment than anything ever will.
Happy Mothers Day, with love.
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