Meet and Greet Conference

Today went great meeting your teacher and learning a little bit about your first day. You both are ready. Your teachers are awesome!

Cole, now that you know you can bring Dog Dog, its all good. Phew!!

JD in Mrs. Sayres Class

 

Cole in Mrs. Saunders Class

 

You're almost SIX and we had a party!

It's so hard to believe that you are really almost SIX! We had a fun outdoor "sports" party planned for you but mother nature had other plans. So, we quickly changed venue and ended up having a bowling party. As disappointed as I was, you were ecstatic and loved it!  We had a great couple of hours there, with no clean up for Mommy. It was a win-win for all.  You both relished in having all of your friends and family there.

 

Cole, it became evident again that you do not like any fuss made over you. When it was time for birthday cake, you froze and started to worry that everyone was going to sing to you. Which of course, we did.  You promptly got out of your seat and hid behind me with tears in your eyes while everyone sang to you both.  You got a little stage fright and wanted nothing to do with the singing and hoopla.

You said afterward:

"Mommy, I want to come to my birthday party's but I don't want to grow any more years". Ah, you're so wise at such a young age my love.

 

Instead of birthday gifts from your friends, we asked you each to pick a charity that you wanted to donate to. We asked everyone to bring donations instead of gifts. Cole picked the AAMC NICU and JD picked the Lighthouse Shelter for Homeless in Annapolis.  We raised over $125 for the NICU, and $85 for the Lighthouse Shelter. Some people also brought clothes and toys to donate to both. What amazing generosity we felt from everyone who came.  And you never said anything about not getting gifts for yourselves (except when I originally suggested it, JD said "wait, why would we be giving other people gifts on OUR birthday?").  We will deliver the donations on your real birthday this week and you can proudly tell them that you collected these donations in lieu of gifts. I'm proud of you for doing this and taking it in stride. 
There is a great joy in giving, which you will see soon.

 

 

What a great day we had. I love you my big almost six year olds!

 



Kindergarten on the horizon

WOW. We’re on the cusp of your 6^th Birthday and Kindergarten. What a huge milestone time for all of us. For the last several weeks, I’ve been scared of what this change was going to bring. I am beyond excited for you both, and this new chapter of your lives. But selfishly, I’ve been having a hard time imagining you being big enough to be out on your own at school.  And Kindergarten is just the beginning of the letting go process – where you learn all about life and the good, bad and ugly.  You’re going to have to make decisions on your own now that you have never been faced with before. You’re going to learn so many new things that you have never learned before.  You’re going to have so much fun – like you never have before. You’re going to meet new friends and some wonderful people that you have never known before. You’re also going to run into some not so nice people, who may throw you for a loop.  These are all part of growing up – and I just know how hard that can be.  But it’s also so much fun. The good times will far outweigh the challenging ones. I just hope we are preparing you and giving you enough tools to handle whatever you are faced with….

We went to your first “meet and greet and see your seat” at Windsor Farm today. You both walked around like you absolutely belonged there.  You were confident, not shy, inquisitive and excited. I know you will flourish there. You met your teachers, walked around and found your seats, found your lockers and enjoyed every minute.  I think you have a better feel for what things will be like now – and the fear of the unknown is a little less daunting.  I’m so relieved.

Cole, for weeks you have been telling me that you are not riding the bus. You don’t want to go to school. I never should have signed you up and you don’t want to go, ever. Then today, we got to school and you saw some friends and it was like a switch flipped.  There was a visible difference in your demeanor. You were excited!

JD, you were so confident and comfortable that you decided to go to the meet and greet with your face painted like a skeleton.  Crazy as it is, you didn’t care that you looked like it was Halloween….I loved that you did that! Your teacher was a bit taken back but she liked it too.

It’s coming fast – and we’re all bracing for the changes. I guess it’s good that it’s coming in small steps. This way, we all have time to adjust.  I read this yesterday and it captured exactly how I know I will feel on your first day.

 

 

Pre-K Graduation - check!

Well, you're officially graduated from pre-school at Bay Country. Bittersweet! I knew I would be emotional and unfortunately, I couldn't hold my tears. I cried watching you both relish in your "program" that you put on for all of the parents. It was awesome - and when you sung "You Are My Sunshine", it made me fall to pieces.  For years, we sang that song together.  What sweet memories I have of you as babies smiling as we sung that to you.  And now, you're singing it back to me. My heart was bursting.  I am so proud of the boys you have become. Your smiles are contagious and I will never forget the image of you walking into the room with your little graduation gowns on, being so proud of yourselves too.

You have some big things to come - we're off for a fun summer now! Lets make the most of it before school starts again in the fall.

Words can never describe how much I love you and how proud I am of both of you. You are amazing!

 

Ms. Simmons - Room 4

 

Mrs. Koppa - Room 5

First ever, summer buzz cut!

JD, you told me the other day that you wanted a buzz cut! I was shocked. And I was excited to get you one. Just for the summer. So, yesterday afternoon, you declared that today is the day and we needed to go NOW. Off to the barber we went.

BEFORE

And off your hair went.

It took about 10 minutes and when it was over and you saw yourself in the mirror, you looked upset. But you smiled for a picture anyway.

AFTER

I think you look adorable. You, on the other hand, don't like it much. You said "I didn't mean THAT short!". I'm not sure what you thought a buzz cut was.  You held back your tears until we got home. And when we got out of the car, you cried because you thought you looked bald. And that was not what you wanted.

But hair grows. And as the hours of the evening went on, you were convinced that it was growing by the minute. The final convincing factor that made you like it suddenly, was when we didn't have to comb it after your bath. You laughed hysterically when I towel dried it and you were off and running. The small things right? You look incredibly cute with your new haircut - I can't stop smiling when I look at you! And I love to feel it with my hand and my cheek. That's driving you a bit crazy but I love it.

-Mommy

P.S. - I wonder when Cole will be so brave and give it a try? We'll work on him!

Mothers Day at the beach

This year was my 6th Mothers Day as an official Mom. My first one, back in May 2006 was when all of you were still in my belly - and it was just about 8 weeks after we learned we were having triplets. I will never forget the feeling I had that Mothers Day - it was overwhelming. I was excited, feeling lucky, scared and absolutely honored that God had chosen me to carry you THREE. As the years went on, all of our Mothers Day celebrations in our house have been awesome. I don't know that I will ever be able to explain how special it is - but suffice to say that it certainly is one of my favorite days of the year.

This year was no exception. We decided to go to the beach for Mothers Day weekend - and we pushed celebrating with our (Daddy's & mine) Mothers until after the weekend. I was thankful that the Grandmothers understood and were ok with our decision since we would not be seeing them on that day. We went to the beach on Saturday at Assateague. It was an incredibly beautiful day and I couldn't think of anything I would have rather done. I called in my perfect weekend. Time with my family, at my favorite place. A friend sent me a text message that day, while we were there. She posed the question "if you had 24 hours to yourself, how would you spend your time". My response: "a little bit of me time, a little bit of hubby time and a little bit of kid time". As I reflected, I realized that my day had started just that way - and it finished just that way too. I felt lucky.

When we arrived at the beach, as we were getting out of the car, a butterfly came near me. It fluttered around for a few minutes and then we started unloading and I lost track of it. As we set up our things, it came back around when I sat down in my beach chair. Butterfly's always remind me of Calvin. And he was very present in my mind and heart that day. Mothers Day was the day 5 years ago that we spread his ashes so of course, it's an extra special day for that reason too. As the butterfly fluttered around, I smiled. Knowing it was probably him hanging around with us.

Later, I took a walk with you boys as Daddy fished. We walked a ways down the beach, collecting shells and talking. As we walked, we came upon a lady with a puppy. You were immediately drawn to the puppy of course. We stood for a minute and the lady asked if you were twins. I replied quickly and said "yes, they are". Cole, you immediately corrected me by saying "actually, no, we're triplets. I have a brother in heaven, his name is Calvin". I loved hearing you say that. Tears sprung to my eyes, and my heart swelled. You were proud and matter of fact. I'm proud of you that you thought of your brother - and were not afraid to tell someone!

Oh how I wish he was here with us. And I know, somewhere inside, you feel his presence. When we returned to our place on the beach, the butterfly was still there. It stayed there with Daddy when we left, and waited for our return. As we packed up the car to go, it did one last pass, right by the windshield. It was then that I commented on the butterfly - and said "I've seen that little butterfly ever since we arrived". Daddy gave me a nod. And we drove away. We both knew what that butterfly was. I was grateful for that sign and your proud disclosure to a stranger - the perfect gift for Mothers Day.

This ones for you Calvin

For a few years, I've been contemplating doing the March of Dimes Walk for Preemies. This winter, the AAMC NICU decided to get a team together so I thought it was finally the time to do it with them. I think I knew in my hear that it would be a tough one and subconsciously found reasons NOT to do it over the last few springs.

Now was the time. As the day neared, my anxiety level kept going up. The day before the March for Babies, I cried just thinking about going. I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't ask many people to do it with me - mostly because I felt that I needed to do it alone the first time and make sure I had space to feel whatever I was going to feel that day.  I'm glad I sensed that and glad I did go alone.

I drove into Baltimore bright and early on one of the most gorgeous spring days we had so far. I left at 7am, as the sun rose. It was quiet and peaceful - perfect morning. As I got to the city, I parked without any problem and the "MOD Village" was just opening. I was one of the first there.  There were several tents set up there - a few for memorials to the lost babies. As I came upon the first one and realized what it was, I froze.  I was a bit dumbfounded on what I was supposed to go - with a clouded head and confused thoughts.

I got it together, and through tears, was able to write a little something on a quilt square that will be put into a quilt for next years display.  I wish I felt more creative and fun but I was struggling just to get something written without crying all over it.

Nothing profound. But it's all my heart could think of. As I moved on to the next tent, they had butterflies to decorate. Anyone who knows me, knows I love crafts and doing things like this. But still, I had a hard time getting to that place - I just needed to get his name down and move on.

I went back to my car and sobbed for a few minutes to get it all out. I missed Calvin so much that morning (I always miss him but especially much this day, of course).  I gathered myself together and headed over the parking lot where the rest of my team was meeting.  As I hoped, once I got over there, my mind was occupied with visiting my nurse friends and all of the preemie baby families that came out to walk. It was then that I missed my family being there - but still was content that I had come alone to honor my boy.
Not long after, we started the walk. A four mile trek through downtown Baltimore with sunny skies and a nice breeze.  The stories and families we met along the way were inspirational. Everyone there for a common purpose and we all belonged to that same "Preemie Parent Group". A common bond was shared.  Below is our AAMC "Energize" Group photo - babies and all.

I was so proud to be there that day.  Our team raised over $7,000 for the cause - the most of any hospital participating.  As I drove out of the city that day, I was reminded of how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family and support system that got us through those long, hard, tough years after the kids were born.  We're past those hard days now - and I could not be more grateful for the blessings we have been given.  Not many people are as lucky as we are.

Here's to the March of Dimes - you do wonderful work and I'm proud to be a supporter!

Another "First" Day

Your journey in life has had so many "firsts".  I've tried to celebrate as many of them as I can so we can remember and appreciate them all. For boys, this is a biggie!

Today is your first day of Lacrosse practice - ever. I just waved goodbye to you as you drove away with Daddy for your SCOOPERS practice. And I have tears streaming.   I'm all over the place with emotion. I'm so unbelievably excited for you guys to play sports. I'm worried for you to play sports.  As a Mom, I don't want anything to happen to you.  I'm emotional over this day sports because there was a day 5 1/2 years ago when you were born at 2 pounds that I didn't know if you would ever be able to play sports.  I am crying happy tears because I'm so proud of you both and cannot wait to watch you play. 

Cole, you are so nervous and I'm nervous for you.  We had a pep talk about just doing your best today. You're scared that you will be the only one who doesn't know how to play. You're scared that you won't know anyone. Your shyness is getting the best of you.  As I sit here typing and crying, I am praying that you dig deep and believe in yourself.  You want me to be there with you at practice today; but I didn't go.  I almost feel like I've abandoned you but I stayed back on purpose so that you hopefully realize that you CAN do it.  It's so hard not being there by your side but sometimes I think I do more harm than good for you in these situations.  I hope I did the right thing.

JD, you are bursting with excitement. To see you like this brings such a big smile to my face! You can't wait to get in there and learn, meet new friends and play. I'm so proud of you.

Although he won't admit it outwardly, Daddy is so excited to be able to take you to practice.  I can just tell. He's waited for this day and I know he must be so proud. I don't want to encroach on his time. This is such a special time for Daddy's and thier boys.

One of my favorite things growing up was watching "boys" play sports. I loved it. And now to think that I get to watch my two amazing sons play whatever sport it is that you love - its just awesome.  I'm sure there will be days when I feel like the Mommy Taxi has had enough - but I'm embracing this right now and it's one of the things that I've dreamed of for you.

Whatever sport or activity it ends up being that you love, I want you to be passionate about it. I want you to love it so that it's FUN.  There's nothing better than seeing you having fun. Your smiles are infectious.  I'm leaving shortly to sneak over to practice to watch you.  And I can't wait.

The Sequel (later in the afternoon):
I snuck over to practice and found Cole standing with Chuck watching. He was entralled with practice, but couldn't muster up the courage to practice. Apparently Chuck had a hard time getting him to get out of the car when they arrived so he had cold feet all the way there. Good news is, He is dying to go back next week so I think he's still interested, just cautious. We'll see how next week goes.

JD did great and had a ball. It was a 2 hour practice and after an hour, he was freezing cold and his legs were very tired. He asked to stop, which we agreed with. It was a lot of running, and it was about 34 degrees when they started practice. He too is psyched for next weekend's practice so we're really happy for him!

As for Mommy, I'm doing fine too. Emotional but fun day today - I feel so lucky.

The longest walk....

Cole, this week was a big week for you. At your school, this was the first week that they made you guys walk into school alone, carrying your own stuff, without your mamma.  They are getting you ready for kindergarten.   I had a feeling this would be hard for you and although I started to prepare you a couple weeks ahead of time.  You still didn't like the idea one bit.

The week before, every day when we pulled up to school, you fretted about whether it was "the day" or not.  On Sunday night, the day before you were to take your first walk alone, we chatted. I did my best to prepare you and give you that extra bit of confidence you needed.  We talked about how sometimes there are hard things in life - and you just have to do them.  And believe in yourself.  You seemed to be good to go. Even that morning during breakfast, you were seemingly anxiety free about it.  And then we pulled up to school.  And you clammed up and broke free of your seatbelt, scurrying to the back of the car.  You didn't want to go.

JD and I got you out of the car and I put your backpack on you.  We walked up to the door together and suddenly, you clung to my legs.  Big, big, giant tears started down your cheeks.  You were trying so hard not to cry - but you just couldn't help it.  Something was holding you back. You couldn't go alone.  Some of your friends arrived and they waited for you, with JD, so you could walk with them. But you wouldn't let go of me.  So JD and the kids went ahead.  My heart broke for you. But I just knew you could do it - and once you did it one time, you would be good to go.  You took 5 steps away and 2 back.  5 more away, and 2 back.  Eventually you were half way down the hall as I stood and tried to shuffle you along, by yourself.  I talked to you all the way down the hall.  As hard as it was for you - it was equally hard for me watching you go because it was so hard for you.  I kept telling you that you could do it. And you did.

The next day, it was easier.  I think you even smiled when you walked in the door.  And the next day, you did even better.  As I figured, by the end of the week, you're walking in like you've done it a thousand times.  You still walk backwards waving the whole time - which makes me smile.  Your confidence is growing.  Little by little.  I knew you could do it!

Every once in a while...

...we get a reality check. And sometimes they hit me like a ton of bricks. Recently, I learned of a family who's precious 5 1/2 year old baby girl was diagnosed with an inoperable, untreatable brain tumor.  The doctors gave her weeks to live. She was going to die. She died 5 days later.  When I heard the news that she had been diagnosed, it took my breath away. I don't even know them.  A few days later, when I heard she died, I was inconsolable for about an hour.  I could not stop crying. We now have something in common.  Luckily, this happened while the kids were at school and I happened to be at home alone.  I was scheduled to leave to get them shortly after I heard. I couldn't drive. And I was afraid that if I stopped crying long enough to get there, when I saw them, I would lose it again. 

This family is amazing. They learned of the diagnosis and the young Mom (with 2 other daughters younger than Maddie) called a friend who is a photographer and demanded that they come take their pictures the following day.  This family photo session is one of the most beautiful I have EVER seen.  Especially in light of the circumstances.  I saw these photos before Maddie died and my heart just hurt for them - knowing that they had to explain to this little lady that she was going to die.  And they had to live with the fact that each day could be her last with them.  Unbearable to think about.  That weekend, their ENTIRE extended family, took off for the mountains to celebrate Maddie.  They made the days the best they could for her. How did they even know enough to do this?

Stories like this always jerk me back to where I need to be. I get so easily caught up in the daily grind and errands and things that don't really matter THAT much.  My job is important because I contribute to our family income - but at the end of the day, is it worth missing out on time with my kids on my off days when I never know what tomorrow could bring?  Is that phone call that important for me to take when we're sitting down having lunch together chatting about their day?  We all know the answer.  And I keep reminding myself that it shouldn't be these tragedies that happen that have to remind me.  I need to do better at remembering DAILY, what is most important.

My heart still hurts for this family.  Her sisters are too young to understand what has happened to Maddie - but they surely miss her terribly.  And her parents arms must ache to hold her.  My own pain was drudged back up through this - understandable I guess.  The pain doesn't sting as badly, as the time passes along.  But it's still there - and always will be.  My first thought when I heard that Maddie died was "gosh, I sure hope that Calvin is there with her and helping her along". I don't know what heaven is like - but I envision that it's a carefree, fun, timeless place.  The children are surely lucky to be there, in God's hands - it's just so hard to let them go....