This ones for you Calvin

For a few years, I've been contemplating doing the March of Dimes Walk for Preemies. This winter, the AAMC NICU decided to get a team together so I thought it was finally the time to do it with them. I think I knew in my hear that it would be a tough one and subconsciously found reasons NOT to do it over the last few springs.

Now was the time. As the day neared, my anxiety level kept going up. The day before the March for Babies, I cried just thinking about going. I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't ask many people to do it with me - mostly because I felt that I needed to do it alone the first time and make sure I had space to feel whatever I was going to feel that day.  I'm glad I sensed that and glad I did go alone.

I drove into Baltimore bright and early on one of the most gorgeous spring days we had so far. I left at 7am, as the sun rose. It was quiet and peaceful - perfect morning. As I got to the city, I parked without any problem and the "MOD Village" was just opening. I was one of the first there.  There were several tents set up there - a few for memorials to the lost babies. As I came upon the first one and realized what it was, I froze.  I was a bit dumbfounded on what I was supposed to go - with a clouded head and confused thoughts.

I got it together, and through tears, was able to write a little something on a quilt square that will be put into a quilt for next years display.  I wish I felt more creative and fun but I was struggling just to get something written without crying all over it.

Nothing profound. But it's all my heart could think of. As I moved on to the next tent, they had butterflies to decorate. Anyone who knows me, knows I love crafts and doing things like this. But still, I had a hard time getting to that place - I just needed to get his name down and move on.

I went back to my car and sobbed for a few minutes to get it all out. I missed Calvin so much that morning (I always miss him but especially much this day, of course).  I gathered myself together and headed over the parking lot where the rest of my team was meeting.  As I hoped, once I got over there, my mind was occupied with visiting my nurse friends and all of the preemie baby families that came out to walk. It was then that I missed my family being there - but still was content that I had come alone to honor my boy.
Not long after, we started the walk. A four mile trek through downtown Baltimore with sunny skies and a nice breeze.  The stories and families we met along the way were inspirational. Everyone there for a common purpose and we all belonged to that same "Preemie Parent Group". A common bond was shared.  Below is our AAMC "Energize" Group photo - babies and all.

I was so proud to be there that day.  Our team raised over $7,000 for the cause - the most of any hospital participating.  As I drove out of the city that day, I was reminded of how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family and support system that got us through those long, hard, tough years after the kids were born.  We're past those hard days now - and I could not be more grateful for the blessings we have been given.  Not many people are as lucky as we are.

Here's to the March of Dimes - you do wonderful work and I'm proud to be a supporter!