First ever, summer buzz cut!

JD, you told me the other day that you wanted a buzz cut! I was shocked. And I was excited to get you one. Just for the summer. So, yesterday afternoon, you declared that today is the day and we needed to go NOW. Off to the barber we went.

BEFORE

And off your hair went.

It took about 10 minutes and when it was over and you saw yourself in the mirror, you looked upset. But you smiled for a picture anyway.

AFTER

I think you look adorable. You, on the other hand, don't like it much. You said "I didn't mean THAT short!". I'm not sure what you thought a buzz cut was.  You held back your tears until we got home. And when we got out of the car, you cried because you thought you looked bald. And that was not what you wanted.

But hair grows. And as the hours of the evening went on, you were convinced that it was growing by the minute. The final convincing factor that made you like it suddenly, was when we didn't have to comb it after your bath. You laughed hysterically when I towel dried it and you were off and running. The small things right? You look incredibly cute with your new haircut - I can't stop smiling when I look at you! And I love to feel it with my hand and my cheek. That's driving you a bit crazy but I love it.

-Mommy

P.S. - I wonder when Cole will be so brave and give it a try? We'll work on him!

Mothers Day at the beach

This year was my 6th Mothers Day as an official Mom. My first one, back in May 2006 was when all of you were still in my belly - and it was just about 8 weeks after we learned we were having triplets. I will never forget the feeling I had that Mothers Day - it was overwhelming. I was excited, feeling lucky, scared and absolutely honored that God had chosen me to carry you THREE. As the years went on, all of our Mothers Day celebrations in our house have been awesome. I don't know that I will ever be able to explain how special it is - but suffice to say that it certainly is one of my favorite days of the year.

This year was no exception. We decided to go to the beach for Mothers Day weekend - and we pushed celebrating with our (Daddy's & mine) Mothers until after the weekend. I was thankful that the Grandmothers understood and were ok with our decision since we would not be seeing them on that day. We went to the beach on Saturday at Assateague. It was an incredibly beautiful day and I couldn't think of anything I would have rather done. I called in my perfect weekend. Time with my family, at my favorite place. A friend sent me a text message that day, while we were there. She posed the question "if you had 24 hours to yourself, how would you spend your time". My response: "a little bit of me time, a little bit of hubby time and a little bit of kid time". As I reflected, I realized that my day had started just that way - and it finished just that way too. I felt lucky.

When we arrived at the beach, as we were getting out of the car, a butterfly came near me. It fluttered around for a few minutes and then we started unloading and I lost track of it. As we set up our things, it came back around when I sat down in my beach chair. Butterfly's always remind me of Calvin. And he was very present in my mind and heart that day. Mothers Day was the day 5 years ago that we spread his ashes so of course, it's an extra special day for that reason too. As the butterfly fluttered around, I smiled. Knowing it was probably him hanging around with us.

Later, I took a walk with you boys as Daddy fished. We walked a ways down the beach, collecting shells and talking. As we walked, we came upon a lady with a puppy. You were immediately drawn to the puppy of course. We stood for a minute and the lady asked if you were twins. I replied quickly and said "yes, they are". Cole, you immediately corrected me by saying "actually, no, we're triplets. I have a brother in heaven, his name is Calvin". I loved hearing you say that. Tears sprung to my eyes, and my heart swelled. You were proud and matter of fact. I'm proud of you that you thought of your brother - and were not afraid to tell someone!

Oh how I wish he was here with us. And I know, somewhere inside, you feel his presence. When we returned to our place on the beach, the butterfly was still there. It stayed there with Daddy when we left, and waited for our return. As we packed up the car to go, it did one last pass, right by the windshield. It was then that I commented on the butterfly - and said "I've seen that little butterfly ever since we arrived". Daddy gave me a nod. And we drove away. We both knew what that butterfly was. I was grateful for that sign and your proud disclosure to a stranger - the perfect gift for Mothers Day.

This ones for you Calvin

For a few years, I've been contemplating doing the March of Dimes Walk for Preemies. This winter, the AAMC NICU decided to get a team together so I thought it was finally the time to do it with them. I think I knew in my hear that it would be a tough one and subconsciously found reasons NOT to do it over the last few springs.

Now was the time. As the day neared, my anxiety level kept going up. The day before the March for Babies, I cried just thinking about going. I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't ask many people to do it with me - mostly because I felt that I needed to do it alone the first time and make sure I had space to feel whatever I was going to feel that day.  I'm glad I sensed that and glad I did go alone.

I drove into Baltimore bright and early on one of the most gorgeous spring days we had so far. I left at 7am, as the sun rose. It was quiet and peaceful - perfect morning. As I got to the city, I parked without any problem and the "MOD Village" was just opening. I was one of the first there.  There were several tents set up there - a few for memorials to the lost babies. As I came upon the first one and realized what it was, I froze.  I was a bit dumbfounded on what I was supposed to go - with a clouded head and confused thoughts.

I got it together, and through tears, was able to write a little something on a quilt square that will be put into a quilt for next years display.  I wish I felt more creative and fun but I was struggling just to get something written without crying all over it.

Nothing profound. But it's all my heart could think of. As I moved on to the next tent, they had butterflies to decorate. Anyone who knows me, knows I love crafts and doing things like this. But still, I had a hard time getting to that place - I just needed to get his name down and move on.

I went back to my car and sobbed for a few minutes to get it all out. I missed Calvin so much that morning (I always miss him but especially much this day, of course).  I gathered myself together and headed over the parking lot where the rest of my team was meeting.  As I hoped, once I got over there, my mind was occupied with visiting my nurse friends and all of the preemie baby families that came out to walk. It was then that I missed my family being there - but still was content that I had come alone to honor my boy.
Not long after, we started the walk. A four mile trek through downtown Baltimore with sunny skies and a nice breeze.  The stories and families we met along the way were inspirational. Everyone there for a common purpose and we all belonged to that same "Preemie Parent Group". A common bond was shared.  Below is our AAMC "Energize" Group photo - babies and all.

I was so proud to be there that day.  Our team raised over $7,000 for the cause - the most of any hospital participating.  As I drove out of the city that day, I was reminded of how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family and support system that got us through those long, hard, tough years after the kids were born.  We're past those hard days now - and I could not be more grateful for the blessings we have been given.  Not many people are as lucky as we are.

Here's to the March of Dimes - you do wonderful work and I'm proud to be a supporter!

Another "First" Day

Your journey in life has had so many "firsts".  I've tried to celebrate as many of them as I can so we can remember and appreciate them all. For boys, this is a biggie!

Today is your first day of Lacrosse practice - ever. I just waved goodbye to you as you drove away with Daddy for your SCOOPERS practice. And I have tears streaming.   I'm all over the place with emotion. I'm so unbelievably excited for you guys to play sports. I'm worried for you to play sports.  As a Mom, I don't want anything to happen to you.  I'm emotional over this day sports because there was a day 5 1/2 years ago when you were born at 2 pounds that I didn't know if you would ever be able to play sports.  I am crying happy tears because I'm so proud of you both and cannot wait to watch you play. 

Cole, you are so nervous and I'm nervous for you.  We had a pep talk about just doing your best today. You're scared that you will be the only one who doesn't know how to play. You're scared that you won't know anyone. Your shyness is getting the best of you.  As I sit here typing and crying, I am praying that you dig deep and believe in yourself.  You want me to be there with you at practice today; but I didn't go.  I almost feel like I've abandoned you but I stayed back on purpose so that you hopefully realize that you CAN do it.  It's so hard not being there by your side but sometimes I think I do more harm than good for you in these situations.  I hope I did the right thing.

JD, you are bursting with excitement. To see you like this brings such a big smile to my face! You can't wait to get in there and learn, meet new friends and play. I'm so proud of you.

Although he won't admit it outwardly, Daddy is so excited to be able to take you to practice.  I can just tell. He's waited for this day and I know he must be so proud. I don't want to encroach on his time. This is such a special time for Daddy's and thier boys.

One of my favorite things growing up was watching "boys" play sports. I loved it. And now to think that I get to watch my two amazing sons play whatever sport it is that you love - its just awesome.  I'm sure there will be days when I feel like the Mommy Taxi has had enough - but I'm embracing this right now and it's one of the things that I've dreamed of for you.

Whatever sport or activity it ends up being that you love, I want you to be passionate about it. I want you to love it so that it's FUN.  There's nothing better than seeing you having fun. Your smiles are infectious.  I'm leaving shortly to sneak over to practice to watch you.  And I can't wait.

The Sequel (later in the afternoon):
I snuck over to practice and found Cole standing with Chuck watching. He was entralled with practice, but couldn't muster up the courage to practice. Apparently Chuck had a hard time getting him to get out of the car when they arrived so he had cold feet all the way there. Good news is, He is dying to go back next week so I think he's still interested, just cautious. We'll see how next week goes.

JD did great and had a ball. It was a 2 hour practice and after an hour, he was freezing cold and his legs were very tired. He asked to stop, which we agreed with. It was a lot of running, and it was about 34 degrees when they started practice. He too is psyched for next weekend's practice so we're really happy for him!

As for Mommy, I'm doing fine too. Emotional but fun day today - I feel so lucky.

The longest walk....

Cole, this week was a big week for you. At your school, this was the first week that they made you guys walk into school alone, carrying your own stuff, without your mamma.  They are getting you ready for kindergarten.   I had a feeling this would be hard for you and although I started to prepare you a couple weeks ahead of time.  You still didn't like the idea one bit.

The week before, every day when we pulled up to school, you fretted about whether it was "the day" or not.  On Sunday night, the day before you were to take your first walk alone, we chatted. I did my best to prepare you and give you that extra bit of confidence you needed.  We talked about how sometimes there are hard things in life - and you just have to do them.  And believe in yourself.  You seemed to be good to go. Even that morning during breakfast, you were seemingly anxiety free about it.  And then we pulled up to school.  And you clammed up and broke free of your seatbelt, scurrying to the back of the car.  You didn't want to go.

JD and I got you out of the car and I put your backpack on you.  We walked up to the door together and suddenly, you clung to my legs.  Big, big, giant tears started down your cheeks.  You were trying so hard not to cry - but you just couldn't help it.  Something was holding you back. You couldn't go alone.  Some of your friends arrived and they waited for you, with JD, so you could walk with them. But you wouldn't let go of me.  So JD and the kids went ahead.  My heart broke for you. But I just knew you could do it - and once you did it one time, you would be good to go.  You took 5 steps away and 2 back.  5 more away, and 2 back.  Eventually you were half way down the hall as I stood and tried to shuffle you along, by yourself.  I talked to you all the way down the hall.  As hard as it was for you - it was equally hard for me watching you go because it was so hard for you.  I kept telling you that you could do it. And you did.

The next day, it was easier.  I think you even smiled when you walked in the door.  And the next day, you did even better.  As I figured, by the end of the week, you're walking in like you've done it a thousand times.  You still walk backwards waving the whole time - which makes me smile.  Your confidence is growing.  Little by little.  I knew you could do it!

Every once in a while...

...we get a reality check. And sometimes they hit me like a ton of bricks. Recently, I learned of a family who's precious 5 1/2 year old baby girl was diagnosed with an inoperable, untreatable brain tumor.  The doctors gave her weeks to live. She was going to die. She died 5 days later.  When I heard the news that she had been diagnosed, it took my breath away. I don't even know them.  A few days later, when I heard she died, I was inconsolable for about an hour.  I could not stop crying. We now have something in common.  Luckily, this happened while the kids were at school and I happened to be at home alone.  I was scheduled to leave to get them shortly after I heard. I couldn't drive. And I was afraid that if I stopped crying long enough to get there, when I saw them, I would lose it again. 

This family is amazing. They learned of the diagnosis and the young Mom (with 2 other daughters younger than Maddie) called a friend who is a photographer and demanded that they come take their pictures the following day.  This family photo session is one of the most beautiful I have EVER seen.  Especially in light of the circumstances.  I saw these photos before Maddie died and my heart just hurt for them - knowing that they had to explain to this little lady that she was going to die.  And they had to live with the fact that each day could be her last with them.  Unbearable to think about.  That weekend, their ENTIRE extended family, took off for the mountains to celebrate Maddie.  They made the days the best they could for her. How did they even know enough to do this?

Stories like this always jerk me back to where I need to be. I get so easily caught up in the daily grind and errands and things that don't really matter THAT much.  My job is important because I contribute to our family income - but at the end of the day, is it worth missing out on time with my kids on my off days when I never know what tomorrow could bring?  Is that phone call that important for me to take when we're sitting down having lunch together chatting about their day?  We all know the answer.  And I keep reminding myself that it shouldn't be these tragedies that happen that have to remind me.  I need to do better at remembering DAILY, what is most important.

My heart still hurts for this family.  Her sisters are too young to understand what has happened to Maddie - but they surely miss her terribly.  And her parents arms must ache to hold her.  My own pain was drudged back up through this - understandable I guess.  The pain doesn't sting as badly, as the time passes along.  But it's still there - and always will be.  My first thought when I heard that Maddie died was "gosh, I sure hope that Calvin is there with her and helping her along". I don't know what heaven is like - but I envision that it's a carefree, fun, timeless place.  The children are surely lucky to be there, in God's hands - it's just so hard to let them go....

I am Prematurity

I am prematurity.


I am the chart that reads 0/3 – three pregnancies with no children.
I am the tears on a Labor and Delivery hospital room bed.
I am the spikes on a contraction monitor.

I am the sadness in the doctor’s eyes at 22 weeks.
I am the steroid shots at 24 weeks.
I am the crowded operating room at 27 weeks.

I am the NICU.
I am the isolette.
I am the tiny child swaddled in wires.

I am the parents’ fear.
I am the roller coaster of emotions.
I am the dance of two steps forward, one step back.

I am the ABCs – apnea and bradycardia.
I am the pulse-ox monitor.
I am the alarms sounding desats.

I am the oxygen.
I am the feeding tubes.
I am the stimulation.

I am the new normal.
I am the haze and fog.
I am the time in between – after birth but before my due date.

I am the parents.
I am the nurses and doctors.
I am the family and friends.

I am the miracle of a tiny breath.
I am the miracle of life.
I am a miracle.

I am prematurity.
I am aware.
We are hope.

Our newest additions

Meet Sammy & Ben (named after Cole's favorite show, BEN 10). Sammy in blue, is JD's fish and Ben in Red, is Cole's fish.  I never dreamed you would be so excited about FISH.  It was so much fun picking them out and bringing them home to their new home.

I am a bit worried that the fish may be so jostled that they may not make it through the night - but time will tell.  While I have high hopes about how much you boys are going to help take care of these little creatures, something tells me that I just signed on for 2 additional mouths to feed each day and two more bowls to keep clean.  Daddy warned you last night that "fish don't last very long" so we've got our fingers crossed that these guys will be with us a while.  If the hermit crabs that you had 2 years ago are any indication of how long our pets stick around, we're in for the long haul.  In the hermit crab world, 18 months was a long life at the Licameli's!

Welcome to you Ben and Sammy - we're happy you're here!

FIVE!

You are 5 + 1day today. I couldn't write yesterday because we have been out of power due to Hurricane Irene. You guys had a GREAT 5th Birthday!  We had big plans for you this past weekend but the Hurricane came and we couldn't do what we had planned. You didn't seem to care. Daddy & I were very bummed about it but I think we cared more than you did that our plans didn't work out as planned. 

On Sunday, the day before your birthday, we were house bound due to weather so we opened your gifts that day. Transformers & Star Wars were the themes of choice this year - you couldn't have been happier.  You were showered by gifts from family too - lots of toys and books.  We stayed at Mimi's on Sunday night since they had generator power and you got to wake up on your birthday with your cousins and grandparents. What could be better? As stressed out as I was about this - it worked out perfectly for you guys.  I wish I could remember to live in the moment more often like you do!

You had a party at school with your class friends - JD, you had a star wars cake and Cole, you had a transformers cake.  Your classmates sang to you and gave you birthday cards. Perfect celebration with your pals.  We headed to Chevy's with our family for dinner and you had a ball.  You wore big hats, ate ice cream and screamed ole'.  It was a great day for the two of you - you relished in the attention and enjoyed turning five.

Me, on the other hand, had a bit of a hard time with it.  I love watching you have birthdays. You love getting bigger and older - and I love that for you. But I cannot stop time and that is really hard for me.  I want to keep you small. It's going by too fast.

Your brother Calvin was also on my mind all day. From the moment I woke up. My heart hurt a bit for him - and couldn't help but remember your actual BIRTH day - I just know that he was with all of us all day yesterday looking down smiling.  You boys are my world. And there is nothing that brings me more happiness than watching you be happy.  Birthdays are special days for sure.  Just as special for the Moms as they are for their kids.  Celebrating that day is at the top of my list.  I honor your brother and count my blessings for the two of you.  Happy Birthday to my babies - I Love you!

-Mommy

EARTHQUAKE!

Well boys, we had an earthquake today! It was my first earthquake in my 41 years - and certainly your first earthquake experience.  We were in the Walmart parking lot loading the car and I you both had just climbed in the car. I was loading our bags and the car started shaking - I thought the two of you were jumping around or something making the car move. I asked you to please stop and buckle up and low and behold, the shaking got worse and it lasted about 15 seconds.  I knew pretty quick that it was an earthquake but wasn't exactly sure what to do.  I envisioned the earth cracking and us getting swallowed up into it (I have obviously seen one too many of those sci-fi movies where natural disaster takes the world).

Just after it ended, Daddy called from his office in DC and they had experienced the same thing about 8 minutes earlier.  We were safe - and thank goodness we were outdoors and not inside of the store still.  It was such a crazy feeling - one I will never forget.  It was a helpless feeling, and one that makes you stop in your tracks and wonder what is going on and what to do next.

As it sounds now, it was a 5.8 on the richter scale - which is a fairly significant earthquake.  The epi-center was a bit north of Richmond so it was a good 200 miles away.

As of today, we also have hurricane IRENE bearing down on us - forecasted to possibly hit our coastal area this weekend.  Mother nature is putting us to the test!