Mommy Tears

What a day. Lots of Mommy tears today on so many levels. I always forget how much this day affects me in a sad way too. It sneaks up on me and once I start crying and feeling sad, I remember that I'm missing Calvin, and celebrating the other two.  Calvin tears are healing and usually don't last long.  But they always come....

We gave the kids iTouch's for their birthdays (jury is still out on whether or not this was a good idea) and I heard the kids singing to themselves with head phones on for a good part of the day. It was awesome.  The best song I heard was their Bible camp songs. They were belting them out, knowing every single word, having no idea how loud and carefree they were singing. More tears.

The love and support we had today from our friends and family was amazing. My facebook page was lit up all day today and the kindness overwhelming.  Many posts brought me to tears of joy and thankfulness. We are so lucky to have so many wonderful people in our lives.

We had the best family day today. C. was able to take the day off of work today, despite his pending trip and it was so much fun.  We had a great family day - details to follow.  I didn't take one minute for granted all day.

The anticipating of sending my first baby off to Kindergarten has been looming all day - but I won't lie, it's weighing heavy on me and I'm not sure I'm ready. We'll see in the am.  Regardless, we had a wonderful day today and I am so thankful for it.  Feeling like a lucky, happy Mommy with a full heart.

SIX today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

SIX years ago, I had this news to share.

http://www.ajourneyofthree.blogspot.com/2006/08/theyre-here.html

Today, it's hard to believe that my babies are six and starting kindergarten. There were many days in our early journey that we weren't so sure...

There isn't a day I don't think about my boy Calvin in heaven. And there isn't a day that I don't count my blessings for JD & Cole. Happy Birthday to my two little miracle babies - you guys are amazing and make our lives unbelievably happy, fun, challenging, loving and wonderful.

Happy Birthday boys - lets have some good old fashioned six year old family fun today!

Side note: Cole, you are adamantly refusing to turn six today. You want to "attend" the celebration, have cake and get gifts, but you don't want to be six. Only five. Again. I think you think that if you are still 5, you wont have to start school....I keep explaining that it doesn't matter but you're not buying it....so, we have agreed that I will celebrate on your behalf since its my favorite day too.

Tracker Dog (aka Dog Dog)

It looks like Tracker is going to be able to make a few trips to school with you. You're really happy that he's going to be keeping you company. You love this little doggie. Aunt Kathy gave him to you years ago and he's been a favorite ever since.  This is how I normally find you snuggling with him EVERY night.

 

 

So, in prep for the bus ride, we went out yesterday to find a special holder for him so he wouldn't be so obvious in your backpack. The rule is, he can come, but he can't come out while at school.  We found the perfect little bag for him (a pencil case) and he fits just fine.

 

 

Then, to make it even better, we found a little secret compartment for him to stay in at the bottom of your backpack.  We packed him up just to test it out and it is going to work out great. Nobody will even know he's there.  You were relieved and excited Cole. The small things like this are going to get you through your first few days. YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

Meet and Greet Conference

Today went great meeting your teacher and learning a little bit about your first day. You both are ready. Your teachers are awesome!

Cole, now that you know you can bring Dog Dog, its all good. Phew!!

JD in Mrs. Sayres Class

 

Cole in Mrs. Saunders Class

 

You're almost SIX and we had a party!

It's so hard to believe that you are really almost SIX! We had a fun outdoor "sports" party planned for you but mother nature had other plans. So, we quickly changed venue and ended up having a bowling party. As disappointed as I was, you were ecstatic and loved it!  We had a great couple of hours there, with no clean up for Mommy. It was a win-win for all.  You both relished in having all of your friends and family there.

 

Cole, it became evident again that you do not like any fuss made over you. When it was time for birthday cake, you froze and started to worry that everyone was going to sing to you. Which of course, we did.  You promptly got out of your seat and hid behind me with tears in your eyes while everyone sang to you both.  You got a little stage fright and wanted nothing to do with the singing and hoopla.

You said afterward:

"Mommy, I want to come to my birthday party's but I don't want to grow any more years". Ah, you're so wise at such a young age my love.

 

Instead of birthday gifts from your friends, we asked you each to pick a charity that you wanted to donate to. We asked everyone to bring donations instead of gifts. Cole picked the AAMC NICU and JD picked the Lighthouse Shelter for Homeless in Annapolis.  We raised over $125 for the NICU, and $85 for the Lighthouse Shelter. Some people also brought clothes and toys to donate to both. What amazing generosity we felt from everyone who came.  And you never said anything about not getting gifts for yourselves (except when I originally suggested it, JD said "wait, why would we be giving other people gifts on OUR birthday?").  We will deliver the donations on your real birthday this week and you can proudly tell them that you collected these donations in lieu of gifts. I'm proud of you for doing this and taking it in stride. 
There is a great joy in giving, which you will see soon.

 

 

What a great day we had. I love you my big almost six year olds!

 



Kindergarten on the horizon

WOW. We’re on the cusp of your 6^th Birthday and Kindergarten. What a huge milestone time for all of us. For the last several weeks, I’ve been scared of what this change was going to bring. I am beyond excited for you both, and this new chapter of your lives. But selfishly, I’ve been having a hard time imagining you being big enough to be out on your own at school.  And Kindergarten is just the beginning of the letting go process – where you learn all about life and the good, bad and ugly.  You’re going to have to make decisions on your own now that you have never been faced with before. You’re going to learn so many new things that you have never learned before.  You’re going to have so much fun – like you never have before. You’re going to meet new friends and some wonderful people that you have never known before. You’re also going to run into some not so nice people, who may throw you for a loop.  These are all part of growing up – and I just know how hard that can be.  But it’s also so much fun. The good times will far outweigh the challenging ones. I just hope we are preparing you and giving you enough tools to handle whatever you are faced with….

We went to your first “meet and greet and see your seat” at Windsor Farm today. You both walked around like you absolutely belonged there.  You were confident, not shy, inquisitive and excited. I know you will flourish there. You met your teachers, walked around and found your seats, found your lockers and enjoyed every minute.  I think you have a better feel for what things will be like now – and the fear of the unknown is a little less daunting.  I’m so relieved.

Cole, for weeks you have been telling me that you are not riding the bus. You don’t want to go to school. I never should have signed you up and you don’t want to go, ever. Then today, we got to school and you saw some friends and it was like a switch flipped.  There was a visible difference in your demeanor. You were excited!

JD, you were so confident and comfortable that you decided to go to the meet and greet with your face painted like a skeleton.  Crazy as it is, you didn’t care that you looked like it was Halloween….I loved that you did that! Your teacher was a bit taken back but she liked it too.

It’s coming fast – and we’re all bracing for the changes. I guess it’s good that it’s coming in small steps. This way, we all have time to adjust.  I read this yesterday and it captured exactly how I know I will feel on your first day.

 

 

Pre-K Graduation - check!

Well, you're officially graduated from pre-school at Bay Country. Bittersweet! I knew I would be emotional and unfortunately, I couldn't hold my tears. I cried watching you both relish in your "program" that you put on for all of the parents. It was awesome - and when you sung "You Are My Sunshine", it made me fall to pieces.  For years, we sang that song together.  What sweet memories I have of you as babies smiling as we sung that to you.  And now, you're singing it back to me. My heart was bursting.  I am so proud of the boys you have become. Your smiles are contagious and I will never forget the image of you walking into the room with your little graduation gowns on, being so proud of yourselves too.

You have some big things to come - we're off for a fun summer now! Lets make the most of it before school starts again in the fall.

Words can never describe how much I love you and how proud I am of both of you. You are amazing!

 

Ms. Simmons - Room 4

 

Mrs. Koppa - Room 5

First ever, summer buzz cut!

JD, you told me the other day that you wanted a buzz cut! I was shocked. And I was excited to get you one. Just for the summer. So, yesterday afternoon, you declared that today is the day and we needed to go NOW. Off to the barber we went.

BEFORE

And off your hair went.

It took about 10 minutes and when it was over and you saw yourself in the mirror, you looked upset. But you smiled for a picture anyway.

AFTER

I think you look adorable. You, on the other hand, don't like it much. You said "I didn't mean THAT short!". I'm not sure what you thought a buzz cut was.  You held back your tears until we got home. And when we got out of the car, you cried because you thought you looked bald. And that was not what you wanted.

But hair grows. And as the hours of the evening went on, you were convinced that it was growing by the minute. The final convincing factor that made you like it suddenly, was when we didn't have to comb it after your bath. You laughed hysterically when I towel dried it and you were off and running. The small things right? You look incredibly cute with your new haircut - I can't stop smiling when I look at you! And I love to feel it with my hand and my cheek. That's driving you a bit crazy but I love it.

-Mommy

P.S. - I wonder when Cole will be so brave and give it a try? We'll work on him!

Mothers Day at the beach

This year was my 6th Mothers Day as an official Mom. My first one, back in May 2006 was when all of you were still in my belly - and it was just about 8 weeks after we learned we were having triplets. I will never forget the feeling I had that Mothers Day - it was overwhelming. I was excited, feeling lucky, scared and absolutely honored that God had chosen me to carry you THREE. As the years went on, all of our Mothers Day celebrations in our house have been awesome. I don't know that I will ever be able to explain how special it is - but suffice to say that it certainly is one of my favorite days of the year.

This year was no exception. We decided to go to the beach for Mothers Day weekend - and we pushed celebrating with our (Daddy's & mine) Mothers until after the weekend. I was thankful that the Grandmothers understood and were ok with our decision since we would not be seeing them on that day. We went to the beach on Saturday at Assateague. It was an incredibly beautiful day and I couldn't think of anything I would have rather done. I called in my perfect weekend. Time with my family, at my favorite place. A friend sent me a text message that day, while we were there. She posed the question "if you had 24 hours to yourself, how would you spend your time". My response: "a little bit of me time, a little bit of hubby time and a little bit of kid time". As I reflected, I realized that my day had started just that way - and it finished just that way too. I felt lucky.

When we arrived at the beach, as we were getting out of the car, a butterfly came near me. It fluttered around for a few minutes and then we started unloading and I lost track of it. As we set up our things, it came back around when I sat down in my beach chair. Butterfly's always remind me of Calvin. And he was very present in my mind and heart that day. Mothers Day was the day 5 years ago that we spread his ashes so of course, it's an extra special day for that reason too. As the butterfly fluttered around, I smiled. Knowing it was probably him hanging around with us.

Later, I took a walk with you boys as Daddy fished. We walked a ways down the beach, collecting shells and talking. As we walked, we came upon a lady with a puppy. You were immediately drawn to the puppy of course. We stood for a minute and the lady asked if you were twins. I replied quickly and said "yes, they are". Cole, you immediately corrected me by saying "actually, no, we're triplets. I have a brother in heaven, his name is Calvin". I loved hearing you say that. Tears sprung to my eyes, and my heart swelled. You were proud and matter of fact. I'm proud of you that you thought of your brother - and were not afraid to tell someone!

Oh how I wish he was here with us. And I know, somewhere inside, you feel his presence. When we returned to our place on the beach, the butterfly was still there. It stayed there with Daddy when we left, and waited for our return. As we packed up the car to go, it did one last pass, right by the windshield. It was then that I commented on the butterfly - and said "I've seen that little butterfly ever since we arrived". Daddy gave me a nod. And we drove away. We both knew what that butterfly was. I was grateful for that sign and your proud disclosure to a stranger - the perfect gift for Mothers Day.

This ones for you Calvin

For a few years, I've been contemplating doing the March of Dimes Walk for Preemies. This winter, the AAMC NICU decided to get a team together so I thought it was finally the time to do it with them. I think I knew in my hear that it would be a tough one and subconsciously found reasons NOT to do it over the last few springs.

Now was the time. As the day neared, my anxiety level kept going up. The day before the March for Babies, I cried just thinking about going. I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't ask many people to do it with me - mostly because I felt that I needed to do it alone the first time and make sure I had space to feel whatever I was going to feel that day.  I'm glad I sensed that and glad I did go alone.

I drove into Baltimore bright and early on one of the most gorgeous spring days we had so far. I left at 7am, as the sun rose. It was quiet and peaceful - perfect morning. As I got to the city, I parked without any problem and the "MOD Village" was just opening. I was one of the first there.  There were several tents set up there - a few for memorials to the lost babies. As I came upon the first one and realized what it was, I froze.  I was a bit dumbfounded on what I was supposed to go - with a clouded head and confused thoughts.

I got it together, and through tears, was able to write a little something on a quilt square that will be put into a quilt for next years display.  I wish I felt more creative and fun but I was struggling just to get something written without crying all over it.

Nothing profound. But it's all my heart could think of. As I moved on to the next tent, they had butterflies to decorate. Anyone who knows me, knows I love crafts and doing things like this. But still, I had a hard time getting to that place - I just needed to get his name down and move on.

I went back to my car and sobbed for a few minutes to get it all out. I missed Calvin so much that morning (I always miss him but especially much this day, of course).  I gathered myself together and headed over the parking lot where the rest of my team was meeting.  As I hoped, once I got over there, my mind was occupied with visiting my nurse friends and all of the preemie baby families that came out to walk. It was then that I missed my family being there - but still was content that I had come alone to honor my boy.
Not long after, we started the walk. A four mile trek through downtown Baltimore with sunny skies and a nice breeze.  The stories and families we met along the way were inspirational. Everyone there for a common purpose and we all belonged to that same "Preemie Parent Group". A common bond was shared.  Below is our AAMC "Energize" Group photo - babies and all.

I was so proud to be there that day.  Our team raised over $7,000 for the cause - the most of any hospital participating.  As I drove out of the city that day, I was reminded of how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family and support system that got us through those long, hard, tough years after the kids were born.  We're past those hard days now - and I could not be more grateful for the blessings we have been given.  Not many people are as lucky as we are.

Here's to the March of Dimes - you do wonderful work and I'm proud to be a supporter!