Eve before Christmas Eve

As I sit here so psyched that I'm done shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning and ready to enjoy the next 48 hours, I am also filled with so much emotion. I'm not sure why - other than Christmas just tends to do that to me...I remember going to church on Christmas for years and sitting with a lump in my throat the whole time. I sort of feel like that today. The anticipation is awesome - just thinking about seeing the kids so excited makes me feel so happy. There truly is a magic to Christmas - if you let there be.

There were a few Christmas's in the not too distant past where I was not at all happy about the holidays. I could have just skipped them all together and been fine with that. I remember dreading the holiday season - simply because for me, it was a reminder of what I didn't have. My life without children was not what I had pictured and until I had the blessing of a child in my life, one way or another, I was going to stay in that rut. We lost our first baby 4 years + 1 week ago. That day last week I wanted so badly to blog but the words wouldn't come...as it has done for the last 3 years, I woke up sad, not remembering why until later in the day. My, how far we've come. For any of you who are still living childless, and not as your choice, don't give up. Holiday time is tough for you - it often centers around children and the wonder of Christmas. I remember wishing so much I could get beyond myself and enjoy it for what it was but when you're in THAT place, it's nearly impossible to do. Since I was like that for a period of time, I think I appreciate 'the season' that much more...

Every day for the last 3 weeks, we have been riding in the car listening to Christmas music. The kids recognize the songs, and even know some of the words. They hate when I just sing them (yes Mom, you were always right about my singing ability) and scream to have the real versions put on. I know about 4 cd's by heart now and which numbers certain songs are. They are SO into it!

Last week, I attended the kids Christmas party at school. It was great to spend some time in the classroom with them - it wasn't anything fancy, just a special lunch and gift exchange. It gave me a chance to see how their classroom is run and how my boys interact with the teachers and other kids. I left there with tears in my eyes - happiness because they were so happy and a mild sadness because the years are ticking by so quickly. They did a beautiful gift for the parents which is a treasure to me forever. It's their handprints, along with a photo of themselves and a poem reminding me that they are only small for a short while and don't forget to keep remembering that...it's a priceless gift that I'll treasure for many years to come. Even more special is the fact that Cole is crying in his photo - which I love. I love it only because that is where he was emotionally on that day when it was still really hard for him to be at school and not at home...they captured this perfectly and whenever I look at it, I will remember how far he's come.

School seems to be going well now - Cole still gives me his big sad lip when I walk in to the classroom for drop off - but he's doing much better. A few quick tears is all they get and then he's sidetracked for most of the day. He's my non-sleeper though so apparently at nap time he's up first every day and they have to pull out all of the stops to keep him from waking up the rest of the kids. Not a surprise - he obviously got that from my side of the family as none of us need much sleep to function. JD is doing really well adjusting and seems to have never skipped a beat. Both kids talk about school and their teachers non-stop when they are at home; and have really blossomed just over the last 3 weeks that they have been there.

A friend of mine warned me that sometimes when kids are in a school/daycare environment for any part of the day, they come home as little hellions because they have had to behave all day. I forgot when she called it but something like "the pre-school phenomenon"? I was happy for the warning because wow, was she right on! Before we even get into the carseats in the car on the way home, they are pulling new tricks making it nearly impossible to get loaded up and out of there. It's probably a cross between the age and this 'phenomenon'. Either way, it's a challenge.

Both kids are talking up a storm now - and saying things that make us laugh daily. It's amazing what they retain - and even more amazing how we are realizing many of the things we say and do since they are imitating us. Not always a good thing. Today we were out and I had a caffeine-free diet coke in my hand (you know, the cans are brownish in color) and JD blurts out, "MOMMY'S BEER"...

Both boys have a short list for Santa this year - they both want GUITARS. And nothing else. I have no idea how this is, as there isn't an inkling of musical talent on either side of our families. Nonetheless, they will be anxiously awaiting Santa's delivery so that they can be rock stars. Cole is still not interested in many toys other than books and balls - he is always trying to perfect his throwing and catching - including how his father instructed him to throw the beach ball at the tv so that it would come back to him and he can practice both at the same time without a partner. It's a large smooth surface that bounces the ball back really well....What happens when he's doing this with a baseball or golf ball and it goes right through the tv?

We are hosting Christmas Eve this year, which I can't wait for. It will be fun for us to have all of our family together for a fun night - as kids we spent our Christmas Eve's with our cousins and extended family and I have such fond memories of that. The cousins love to be together so I'm sure we're in for some fun (as long as JD does not continue to torment his cousin Em by stealing her toys she is so diligently lining up along the floor).

I would like to wish all of our friends, family and anyone else reading, a wonderful Christmas. Take this time to reflect on the last year and remember the good parts, and smile. I hope Santa is good to all of you - and you get all that you wish for this season and in 2009. Cheers!