Another "First" Day

Your journey in life has had so many "firsts".  I've tried to celebrate as many of them as I can so we can remember and appreciate them all. For boys, this is a biggie!

Today is your first day of Lacrosse practice - ever. I just waved goodbye to you as you drove away with Daddy for your SCOOPERS practice. And I have tears streaming.   I'm all over the place with emotion. I'm so unbelievably excited for you guys to play sports. I'm worried for you to play sports.  As a Mom, I don't want anything to happen to you.  I'm emotional over this day sports because there was a day 5 1/2 years ago when you were born at 2 pounds that I didn't know if you would ever be able to play sports.  I am crying happy tears because I'm so proud of you both and cannot wait to watch you play. 

Cole, you are so nervous and I'm nervous for you.  We had a pep talk about just doing your best today. You're scared that you will be the only one who doesn't know how to play. You're scared that you won't know anyone. Your shyness is getting the best of you.  As I sit here typing and crying, I am praying that you dig deep and believe in yourself.  You want me to be there with you at practice today; but I didn't go.  I almost feel like I've abandoned you but I stayed back on purpose so that you hopefully realize that you CAN do it.  It's so hard not being there by your side but sometimes I think I do more harm than good for you in these situations.  I hope I did the right thing.

JD, you are bursting with excitement. To see you like this brings such a big smile to my face! You can't wait to get in there and learn, meet new friends and play. I'm so proud of you.

Although he won't admit it outwardly, Daddy is so excited to be able to take you to practice.  I can just tell. He's waited for this day and I know he must be so proud. I don't want to encroach on his time. This is such a special time for Daddy's and thier boys.

One of my favorite things growing up was watching "boys" play sports. I loved it. And now to think that I get to watch my two amazing sons play whatever sport it is that you love - its just awesome.  I'm sure there will be days when I feel like the Mommy Taxi has had enough - but I'm embracing this right now and it's one of the things that I've dreamed of for you.

Whatever sport or activity it ends up being that you love, I want you to be passionate about it. I want you to love it so that it's FUN.  There's nothing better than seeing you having fun. Your smiles are infectious.  I'm leaving shortly to sneak over to practice to watch you.  And I can't wait.

The Sequel (later in the afternoon):
I snuck over to practice and found Cole standing with Chuck watching. He was entralled with practice, but couldn't muster up the courage to practice. Apparently Chuck had a hard time getting him to get out of the car when they arrived so he had cold feet all the way there. Good news is, He is dying to go back next week so I think he's still interested, just cautious. We'll see how next week goes.

JD did great and had a ball. It was a 2 hour practice and after an hour, he was freezing cold and his legs were very tired. He asked to stop, which we agreed with. It was a lot of running, and it was about 34 degrees when they started practice. He too is psyched for next weekend's practice so we're really happy for him!

As for Mommy, I'm doing fine too. Emotional but fun day today - I feel so lucky.

The longest walk....

Cole, this week was a big week for you. At your school, this was the first week that they made you guys walk into school alone, carrying your own stuff, without your mamma.  They are getting you ready for kindergarten.   I had a feeling this would be hard for you and although I started to prepare you a couple weeks ahead of time.  You still didn't like the idea one bit.

The week before, every day when we pulled up to school, you fretted about whether it was "the day" or not.  On Sunday night, the day before you were to take your first walk alone, we chatted. I did my best to prepare you and give you that extra bit of confidence you needed.  We talked about how sometimes there are hard things in life - and you just have to do them.  And believe in yourself.  You seemed to be good to go. Even that morning during breakfast, you were seemingly anxiety free about it.  And then we pulled up to school.  And you clammed up and broke free of your seatbelt, scurrying to the back of the car.  You didn't want to go.

JD and I got you out of the car and I put your backpack on you.  We walked up to the door together and suddenly, you clung to my legs.  Big, big, giant tears started down your cheeks.  You were trying so hard not to cry - but you just couldn't help it.  Something was holding you back. You couldn't go alone.  Some of your friends arrived and they waited for you, with JD, so you could walk with them. But you wouldn't let go of me.  So JD and the kids went ahead.  My heart broke for you. But I just knew you could do it - and once you did it one time, you would be good to go.  You took 5 steps away and 2 back.  5 more away, and 2 back.  Eventually you were half way down the hall as I stood and tried to shuffle you along, by yourself.  I talked to you all the way down the hall.  As hard as it was for you - it was equally hard for me watching you go because it was so hard for you.  I kept telling you that you could do it. And you did.

The next day, it was easier.  I think you even smiled when you walked in the door.  And the next day, you did even better.  As I figured, by the end of the week, you're walking in like you've done it a thousand times.  You still walk backwards waving the whole time - which makes me smile.  Your confidence is growing.  Little by little.  I knew you could do it!

Every once in a while...

...we get a reality check. And sometimes they hit me like a ton of bricks. Recently, I learned of a family who's precious 5 1/2 year old baby girl was diagnosed with an inoperable, untreatable brain tumor.  The doctors gave her weeks to live. She was going to die. She died 5 days later.  When I heard the news that she had been diagnosed, it took my breath away. I don't even know them.  A few days later, when I heard she died, I was inconsolable for about an hour.  I could not stop crying. We now have something in common.  Luckily, this happened while the kids were at school and I happened to be at home alone.  I was scheduled to leave to get them shortly after I heard. I couldn't drive. And I was afraid that if I stopped crying long enough to get there, when I saw them, I would lose it again. 

This family is amazing. They learned of the diagnosis and the young Mom (with 2 other daughters younger than Maddie) called a friend who is a photographer and demanded that they come take their pictures the following day.  This family photo session is one of the most beautiful I have EVER seen.  Especially in light of the circumstances.  I saw these photos before Maddie died and my heart just hurt for them - knowing that they had to explain to this little lady that she was going to die.  And they had to live with the fact that each day could be her last with them.  Unbearable to think about.  That weekend, their ENTIRE extended family, took off for the mountains to celebrate Maddie.  They made the days the best they could for her. How did they even know enough to do this?

Stories like this always jerk me back to where I need to be. I get so easily caught up in the daily grind and errands and things that don't really matter THAT much.  My job is important because I contribute to our family income - but at the end of the day, is it worth missing out on time with my kids on my off days when I never know what tomorrow could bring?  Is that phone call that important for me to take when we're sitting down having lunch together chatting about their day?  We all know the answer.  And I keep reminding myself that it shouldn't be these tragedies that happen that have to remind me.  I need to do better at remembering DAILY, what is most important.

My heart still hurts for this family.  Her sisters are too young to understand what has happened to Maddie - but they surely miss her terribly.  And her parents arms must ache to hold her.  My own pain was drudged back up through this - understandable I guess.  The pain doesn't sting as badly, as the time passes along.  But it's still there - and always will be.  My first thought when I heard that Maddie died was "gosh, I sure hope that Calvin is there with her and helping her along". I don't know what heaven is like - but I envision that it's a carefree, fun, timeless place.  The children are surely lucky to be there, in God's hands - it's just so hard to let them go....

I am Prematurity

I am prematurity.


I am the chart that reads 0/3 – three pregnancies with no children.
I am the tears on a Labor and Delivery hospital room bed.
I am the spikes on a contraction monitor.

I am the sadness in the doctor’s eyes at 22 weeks.
I am the steroid shots at 24 weeks.
I am the crowded operating room at 27 weeks.

I am the NICU.
I am the isolette.
I am the tiny child swaddled in wires.

I am the parents’ fear.
I am the roller coaster of emotions.
I am the dance of two steps forward, one step back.

I am the ABCs – apnea and bradycardia.
I am the pulse-ox monitor.
I am the alarms sounding desats.

I am the oxygen.
I am the feeding tubes.
I am the stimulation.

I am the new normal.
I am the haze and fog.
I am the time in between – after birth but before my due date.

I am the parents.
I am the nurses and doctors.
I am the family and friends.

I am the miracle of a tiny breath.
I am the miracle of life.
I am a miracle.

I am prematurity.
I am aware.
We are hope.

Our newest additions

Meet Sammy & Ben (named after Cole's favorite show, BEN 10). Sammy in blue, is JD's fish and Ben in Red, is Cole's fish.  I never dreamed you would be so excited about FISH.  It was so much fun picking them out and bringing them home to their new home.

I am a bit worried that the fish may be so jostled that they may not make it through the night - but time will tell.  While I have high hopes about how much you boys are going to help take care of these little creatures, something tells me that I just signed on for 2 additional mouths to feed each day and two more bowls to keep clean.  Daddy warned you last night that "fish don't last very long" so we've got our fingers crossed that these guys will be with us a while.  If the hermit crabs that you had 2 years ago are any indication of how long our pets stick around, we're in for the long haul.  In the hermit crab world, 18 months was a long life at the Licameli's!

Welcome to you Ben and Sammy - we're happy you're here!

FIVE!

You are 5 + 1day today. I couldn't write yesterday because we have been out of power due to Hurricane Irene. You guys had a GREAT 5th Birthday!  We had big plans for you this past weekend but the Hurricane came and we couldn't do what we had planned. You didn't seem to care. Daddy & I were very bummed about it but I think we cared more than you did that our plans didn't work out as planned. 

On Sunday, the day before your birthday, we were house bound due to weather so we opened your gifts that day. Transformers & Star Wars were the themes of choice this year - you couldn't have been happier.  You were showered by gifts from family too - lots of toys and books.  We stayed at Mimi's on Sunday night since they had generator power and you got to wake up on your birthday with your cousins and grandparents. What could be better? As stressed out as I was about this - it worked out perfectly for you guys.  I wish I could remember to live in the moment more often like you do!

You had a party at school with your class friends - JD, you had a star wars cake and Cole, you had a transformers cake.  Your classmates sang to you and gave you birthday cards. Perfect celebration with your pals.  We headed to Chevy's with our family for dinner and you had a ball.  You wore big hats, ate ice cream and screamed ole'.  It was a great day for the two of you - you relished in the attention and enjoyed turning five.

Me, on the other hand, had a bit of a hard time with it.  I love watching you have birthdays. You love getting bigger and older - and I love that for you. But I cannot stop time and that is really hard for me.  I want to keep you small. It's going by too fast.

Your brother Calvin was also on my mind all day. From the moment I woke up. My heart hurt a bit for him - and couldn't help but remember your actual BIRTH day - I just know that he was with all of us all day yesterday looking down smiling.  You boys are my world. And there is nothing that brings me more happiness than watching you be happy.  Birthdays are special days for sure.  Just as special for the Moms as they are for their kids.  Celebrating that day is at the top of my list.  I honor your brother and count my blessings for the two of you.  Happy Birthday to my babies - I Love you!

-Mommy

EARTHQUAKE!

Well boys, we had an earthquake today! It was my first earthquake in my 41 years - and certainly your first earthquake experience.  We were in the Walmart parking lot loading the car and I you both had just climbed in the car. I was loading our bags and the car started shaking - I thought the two of you were jumping around or something making the car move. I asked you to please stop and buckle up and low and behold, the shaking got worse and it lasted about 15 seconds.  I knew pretty quick that it was an earthquake but wasn't exactly sure what to do.  I envisioned the earth cracking and us getting swallowed up into it (I have obviously seen one too many of those sci-fi movies where natural disaster takes the world).

Just after it ended, Daddy called from his office in DC and they had experienced the same thing about 8 minutes earlier.  We were safe - and thank goodness we were outdoors and not inside of the store still.  It was such a crazy feeling - one I will never forget.  It was a helpless feeling, and one that makes you stop in your tracks and wonder what is going on and what to do next.

As it sounds now, it was a 5.8 on the richter scale - which is a fairly significant earthquake.  The epi-center was a bit north of Richmond so it was a good 200 miles away.

As of today, we also have hurricane IRENE bearing down on us - forecasted to possibly hit our coastal area this weekend.  Mother nature is putting us to the test!

First Day of Pre-K

It was a big day for you both today - you are officially now in PRE-KINDERGARTEN!  How on earth did that happen? It feels like just yesterday I was dropping you off at Bay Country as 2 year olds in Room 2 - and you were so small.  Now you are the biggest kids there - and doing so well there.

Big step today - for the first time, you two are going to be separated in class.  I think this is going to be amazing for both of you!  As we walked out our front door to school today, Cole, you started to act funny.  You got tears in your eyes and said you weren't ready to leave room #4 yet.  I wasn't surprised that you got a little sad - change is hard for you.  This was the first time you have been sad - and it didn't last long.  JD, you were so excited, you bounced all the way to the car.  You both had your new school sneakers on which light up on the bottom (special back to school treat) and that was your highlight for today. You were going to get to show everyone your NEW SHOES!

Nonetheless, we got to school and I took you to your respective classrooms.  JD, your new teacher wasn't there yet so I didn't get to meet her - but you put away your backpack in your new cubby, and your lunch, and went off on your merry way. I barely got a kiss good bye.  I was so proud that you love school so much and are so happy and eager about what is to come. Ms. Simmons & Ms. Linda are so lucky to have you!  But at the same time, I was a bit sad for myself since you didn't hesitate to let me walk out so easy.

Cole, we went over to your classroom (across the hall) and you were a little timid. But you did great. We found your new cubby and put your backpack away. Mrs. Kaupa brought you over and showed you where to put your lunch and you did the same.  You explained everything in your lunch to her and quickly became a chatterbox.  When I left, you hugged me extra hard and blew a kiss. You were off and running too.  Mrs. Kaupa will love having you in class, I just know it.

As I left your school today, I cried. I cried happy tears for you both - you are so eager to learn and you really enjoy where you are.  I also cried scared tears because just one year from now, I have to turn you over to Kindergarten where you will be really on your own compared to now.  It's just so hard to believe that time has gone so fast.  You are starting to make your way in the world.

I cannot even put into words the joy I have in my heart watching you grow, love and learn.  There have been a few hard lessons along the way (and MANY more to come) but watching you turn into little people is just amazing.  You make my heart so full - and I often don't know how I got so lucky.  I know that this year is going to be a great one for you both - we elected to hold you back for an extra year since you are turning 5 just 2 days before the cut off for kindergarten.  I know in my heart this is the right thing for you both and by the time next year rolls around, you will be so prepared and ready.  You'll be the oldest in your class, which will do you well down the road.

I can't wait to pick you up later today and hear about your days! Now I get to listen to both of you tell me your school day stories - such fun!

Love,
Mommy

Almost 5

Click here to view this photo book larger

We were scheduled to have a family photographer come take our picture and she had to cancel due to a family emergency.  So, off we went for our own photo shoot. Bribery with ice cream works wonders, even if it is only 9am in the morning.  I had a great time doing it - and you guys cooperated really well.  It's just amazing that you're really almost 5. Where did the time go?

Sweet Baby Rays

We have a really funny thing going on in our house. Many months ago, in an effort to get you boys upstairs to get ready for bed, Daddy grabbed some sweet baby rays BBQ sauce out of the frig and came running after you. He threatened you that if you didn't get upstairs quickly and get undressed, he would slather you with BBQ Sauce.  Both of you ran like crazies and did exactly what he asked you to do - for fear that you would get doused.  You were scared to death of the BBQ sauce!  Since that night, this goes on every single day - and sweet baby rays is your nemesis.  Anytime he needs you to do something, or STOP doing something, the sweet baby rays threat comes out and you immediately react.  And you are still scared of the BBQ sauce. It's hilarious!

One time while you were in the tub, Daddy came through with his promise and put sweet baby rays on Cole's leg. You would have thought your leg was on fire, Cole.  He actually grabs the sweet baby rays and chases you with it. You guys are really scared of it!  It makes me laugh. He teases you incessantly.  He's always teasing about something.  Apparently this comes from Grampa Joe - Daddy was teased by his Dad all of the time too. 

Yesterday while shopping at the grocery store at the beach, I picked up a bottle of SWEET.BABY.RAYS and brought it home. We were in need of some here too.  As we were stuck inside due to the rain, you guys teased each other all day with it. It was in and out of the frig a thousand times all day.  It's amazing how something so silly can have such a profound effect on you. 

The ironic part is that neither of you like BBQ sauce - hopefully it's not because of this.  I wonder how long this will go on and you will really be scared of getting doused with BBQ sauce?!?!