Article

As promised, they printed the NICU article yesterday in the Baltimore Sun newspaper. It was a good article I thought. Click on Baltimore Sun above. We were on a wild goose chase for the actual copies of the paper but managed to find some later in the day.

The boys look so bald in the photo! The photo is shown to the right of the article in the "photo gallery". Just click on that link and you can see the picture they included. It was the one I was hoping for - both of the boys with their very first nurse and the hero nurse practitioner, Lori.

We had a VERY special Mothers Day. It was one that will always be engrained in my heart and in my head. We celebrated Baby Cal yesterday by spreading his ashes with his Grandpa Joe. It was a beautiful day and the perfect time to honor his short little life. Although extremely sad at times, we picked the perfect place to leave him. JD & Cole were in good spirits and seemed to know that we were in a sacred place when we arrived at the grave side. A day we will never ever forget.

I hope everyone else enjoyed their special day too!

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all of my favorite Mom's out there.
And not the least of which is my own Mom, who means the world to me.

Mom, you are one of a kind. I hope that I can be as much of a Mother to my children as you have been to me. Our relationship is such a treasure to me and I will be forever grateful to God for giving me the best Mother ever. You are my best friend, confidant, listener, protector & my best advice giver. I can lean on you anytime and you are always there. Thank you will never be enough - just know what a special person you are to me.

My children are so lucky to have you as their Grandmother - your love overflows for them; they are so fortunate to have you in their lives and there is nothing more special than watching your bond with them grow over time. They love you as much as I do and you are one very special Grammy, that is for sure!

I love you Mom!

Annual Letters

Thought this was worth sharing. In my spring cleaning frenzy, I found this buried deep in my “safe place” drawer. I put this away many years ago for the day when I had kids. I love this idea…

“Shortly after my daughter was born, I started a loving tradition that I know others (with whom I have subsequently shared this special plan) have also started. I tell you the idea here both to open your heart with the warmth of my story and also to encourage you to start this tradition within your own family.

Every year, on her birthday, I write an Annual Letter to my daughter. I fill it with funny anecdotes that happened to her that year, hardships or joys, issues that are important in my life or hers, world events, my predictions for the future, miscellaneous thoughts etc. I add to the letter photographs, presents, report cards and many other types of mementos that would certainly have disappeared as the years passed…I keep a folder in my desk drawer in which all year long, I place things that I want to include in the envelope containing her next annual letter. As her birthday approaches, I take out that folder and find it overflowing with ideas, thoughts, poems, cards, treasures, stories, incidents and memories of all sorts – many of which I had already forgotten – and which I then eagerly transcribe into that years annual letter.

Once the letter is written and all of the treasures are inserted into the envelope, I seal it. The envelope always reads “annual letter for XXX from her Daddy on the occasion of her nth birthday – to be opened when she is 21 years old”.

The tradition of writing her annual letters is now one of my most sacred duties as a Dad.

Little Gabe

Please click on the link below and send out a prayer for this little guy. Through my crazy world of blogs (a whole other post entirely), I came across him and he needs our prayers. He's having heart surgery on May 15.



http://gabrielsheart.blogspot.com/2007/05/finding-my-faith.html

Alpha Moms

Sometimes I feel like I live under a rock with regard to modern day news and concepts. This week, one of my great girlfriends sent over an article from the USA Today about Alpha Moms vs. Slacker Moms.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-05-08-alpha-beta-moms_N.htm

For whatever reason, this was the first time I heard of the term Alpha Mom and actually got an explanation as to what it was. Immediately, I became intrigued and have been trying to figure out what I am, since. My first instinct upon reading the article was to think, “gosh, I REALLY hope I’m NOT an Alpha Mom”. After my more extensive research, it appears that I fall somewhere in the middle of alpha and slacker. Be that as it may, I find it so interesting that this concept is such a buzz now. Some people feel that an Alpha Mom is a goal to achieve, others feel it is a curse.

If you look at what “they” (and who is “they”?) say are the main characteristics of Alpha Mom’s, my checklist is about half checked.

-High Fashion – hardly
-High Tech – eh, sorta I carry a cell phone (which is ALWAYS being used according to my husband) and a Palm Pilot (no Blackberry or Treo)
-Only buy the BEST products (aka, strollers etc.) – not really, I’m very cost conscious with two babies
-Trend setter – hardly
-Spend considerable time on the internet – CHECK
-Multi-tasker – CHECK
-Work inside and outside of the home – CHECK
-Keep a Blog – CHECK
-Type A – CHECK
-Try to do it ALL – CHECK

OK, so now what? Whether I am or am not an Alpha Mom, I’ve suddenly been forced to look at the idea – and analyze a bit whether I’m trying to do too much or whether I’m in the right place for now. My initial conclusions are: I really like my life balance for now. The one thing I miss terribly is time with my husband – but we’re doing the best we can with that and I know that down that road, that will get better. I will say however that it’s become extremely apparent to me why time is passing so quickly – there is not a moment to spare during my days. This is true of all Mom’s though – whether they are stay at home Moms or career Moms. You use the time that you have and try to cram as much in as you can!

I’m really glad to see that the debate is not focused on stay at home vs. career Moms any more. I never liked that debate. It’s not a fair comparison and I do think that too many people had too many opinions on that issue. People choose what is best for their family for a multitude of reasons and it’s unfair of others to judge those decisions. As the article says, this latest skirmish is about personal parenting styles. That said, back to A-Mom thing.

In my “research” to learn more about the A-Mom concept, I came across some very interesting points. I thought they were worth posting – just to make us think.

This was the best one, IMO. “There’s an illusion that you can control who your child will become if you do all the right things, but that’s a problematic illusion because parenting is about discovering who your child is and fostering their growth and development as an individual”. I love that reminder. It is so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing with their children or what their children are doing. Random people are always asking me what my kids are “doing now”. It doesn’t matter what others are doing – focus on your own children, their needs & wants, and that is the most important thing.

“Our children are people – not projects. Motherhood is not a contest”. Love that one too.

For those who are career Moms and think they might be Alpha Mom’s, here’s a good quote: “it’s hard to turn off that switch if you have been extremely competent at being super-successful. Here you are confronted with this baby(ies), and the road map is less clear”.

Upon the advice of my girlfriend who originally sent the article, I purchased the book “I was a Really Good Mom before I had Kids”. I can’t wait to read it.

This is one of those concepts in life (A-Mom) that I think people might be spending too much time analyzing. It’s all about media hype and they have taken this to the nth degree, yet again. The most important thing is to enjoy your life balance and savor every moment. Everyone’s needs are different so whatever that may be for someone, so be it. I’m glad that I have given this concept some thought – although I never determined what I really am, I’ve been reminded of what is important and that is all that matters. As long as we're enjoying the ride, it's all good!

Our old Stomping Ground...

We had our first return visit to NICU today with the boys to see our old nurses, docs and friends. I received a call earlier this week that the Baltimore Sun wanted to do a story on Mothers Day and the NICU staff had suggested that they talk to us. After talking to the PR lady at the hospital, we decided to go ahead and do it.

All the way there this morning I told the boys where we were going and how amazing these people were to them in their early months and to us as a family. Obviously they were not understanding any of this but just saying it out loud made me realize AGAIN how thankful I am for modern medicine and such caring compassionate people. Someday maybe they will understand that if it weren't for the NICU people, they might not be here today.

So, the first sign that I spent WAAAAYYYYYY too much time at the hospital is that when we pulled up at the valet in front, all of the valet guys remembered me and asked immediately about the babies. They were happy to see them and were really cute about remembering. I even ran into Dr. A (or Pablo as my Dad calls him) as we were unloading. He was one of my docs through the pregnancy and usually had the best sense of humor when he came in during patient rounds. Kinda fun to see him too since he hasn't seen me upright, ever. As we made our way in the front door of the hospital, I immediately got butterflies in my tummy and the urge to pee - that nervous feeling. It was so strange being there again.

Once we got into the NICU unit, the nurses starting flooding around the kids. It was awesome. And they both had such cute little smiles – it was like they somehow knew where they were and how special all of these people surrounding them were. The girls immediately pulled both boys out of the stroller and passed them around the whole time we were there. JD even spit up on one of them, for old time sake-twice; thats my boy.

While they were passing the kids around, the reporter from the paper was peppering me with questions about the kids and about our NICU experience. It was the first time that I have been asked anything about that experience and it immediately sent me into a bit of an emotional imbalance. One second I was tearing up and the next, we were laughing. Talking about those days certainly reminded me how fragile our situation was back then and how far we have come. She asked me what it was like when I first saw them after they were born; and what I would be thinking as I changed their diaper through the holes in the isolate. Many times, I didn’t have an answer for her. I couldn’t put into words what I was thinking during those times other than “I was happy that they were alive”. I just looked at them in disbelief and with hopes that they would pull through, one day at a time.

I have probably mentioned this before in my blog postings back when we were still in the hospital but most of the daily care and decision making for major health issues is done in NICU by the nurse practitioners. The doctors are not always there but they are available via phone when needed. The nurse practitioners are wonderful and very competent. That said, I was hoping that our favorite NP would be there today and she was. She held Cole for a long time and they just smiled and laughed at each other. If it weren’t for her expertise, compassion and strong will to help him survive, he might not be here today. I’m forever indebted to Lori for that. They got some great photos of the two of them so I hope that's the one that goes into the paper!

Once the interview was over, they moved on to interview some families who currently have babies in the NICU. I saw some of the babies through the glass and could hardly believe that we were once in their shoes. I thought about what it would be like for them to spend Mothers Day with their preemies in the hospital. They probably feel blessed beyond belief that their babies are alive and in such good care. On the other hand, they are probably so incredibly scared that something will happen to their baby. It will be a bittersweet day for them I’m sure. I know the NICU nurses will do everything to make it a special day for the Mom's there.

It warms my heart to know that the nurses and caregivers at our hospital (AAMC) were so happy to see us as returning patients. They genuinely care about their NICU families and love to see the kids come back as big babies. They are such special people. Although I don’t miss the NICU drill at all on a daily basis, I sure do miss seeing the wonderful nurses – they are friends too.

The article should be out in print on Mothers Day in the Baltimore Sun. I’ll post a link when it comes out. I hope it’s a good article – you know how reporters are though – we are keeping our fingers crossed for a positive, accurate account of our wonderful experience there. And as a bonus, maybe some cute pictures of our little guys too.

Mothers Day

I find it odd how, even after resolving my infertility issues, Mothers Day is still a tender topic for me. I have been told that infertility never leaves you and I do believe that is true. For most of my life, Mothers Day was a day to celebrate my amazing Mom and my Grandmothers. About 4 years ago, the meaning changed a bit for me personally, since at that time I was ready to actually BE a Mom. We had dreams of having a baby the next year. When my perfect world plan of easily becoming a Mom was shattered by infertility issues, the meaning of Mothers Day changed yet again. Mothers Day’s came and went each year, still no baby. Sadly, it became a very hard day, instead of a joyous one. It was the hardest holiday of the year. As selfish as that sounds, it was. Although I never lost sight of the importance of recognizing my own Mom for the amazing woman that she is and how much she means to me, and my mother in law for all that she is & has done for us, it was personally one of the hardest days of the year.

Anyone suffering with fertility issues will agree. I think the anticipation of the day was actually worse than the day itself – but still, seeing all of the hype about Mothers Day on tv, in card stores, in retail shops etc. was at times, heart wrenching. Picking out Mothers Day cards for friends and family was nearly impossible. The longing for a child became more intense as the days went on. And after losing three babies along the way, Mothers Day felt like a day set out there to torture infertile women, especially those who have lost babies and were not able to hold their babies on that special day. The babies were not here; they were in heaven. Or for some, they had never even been pregnant. I guess at that time I was a Mom of sorts; but that didn’t make it any easier. This probably sounds so callous and selfish – but it’s the honest truth. Infertility can bring out the worst in you at times.

It wasn’t until last night that I started reflecting on all of this when C. & I were discussing what the plans were for Mothers Day. I got a sudden pang in my stomach over the words “Mothers Day”, and then realized that finally, it was my day too. Last year at Mothers Day I was pregnant with the triplets – but to be honest, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop so was a bit hesitant to celebrate too much or get too excited. I distinctly remember saying to myself that I would patiently wait until next year to celebrate – God willing, everything would be OK and I would have babies in hand to be able to celebrate with. My family came over to our house last year and they brought me Mothers Day gifts & cards. It felt funny. I remember opening them and being scared to death that they would have to be packed away or returned due to something happening to the pregnancy. I remember opening a package with three bibs and three onesie pj things. It was hard not to get too excited – for it was certainly the longest I had remained pregnant thus far; little did I know what was in store just a few short weeks later. My first "belly shot" was taken last year on Mothers Day...it was just a small little bump. Not in my wildest dreams would I think that my dream of having a baby(ies) to hold would actually come true; not considering our history up until that point.

As excited as I am for Mothers Day this year, at the same time my heart hurts for those around me who are still struggling to have babies. And there are many. I almost feel guilty that I get to celebrate this time around and they don’t, just yet. A few of them have lost babies in the last year (two have lost twins) and I can’t help but know how hard this day is going to be for them. And for those who haven’t lost babies but are struggling to have them, it’s just as hard. When you’re not able to get pregnant or stay pregnant, or have lost a little one, Mothers Day can turn into a day that you are reminded of what you DON’T have; instead of what you DO have. Sad but true.

So, my hat is off for those of you who are dreading this Mothers Day. I know that on the outside you will do what you need to do to celebrate the day properly for your Mothers (and Sisters, sister in laws, friends etc.). And you’ll do it with a smile and be the strong, amazing women that you are. But I also know that deep down, it’s not that easy. You all hold a special place in my heart, especially this coming Sunday. I will hope and pray that this is the last Mothers Day that you will endure without your ultimate gift. Keep the faith and don’t give up. The wait is so hard – but you’re a better person for it in many ways. And in the end, everything WILL be ok.

Happy Mothers Day in advance to all of you out there – it’s a VERY special day and you all are very special Mom’s!

Mommy's early Birthday Gift...

Nevermind turning 30 (again, hee hee) this weekend, THIS is the best birthday gift I could ever ask for! (these are from our latest portrait session this week).

A little evening R & R

Nothing like a little relaxation in the hammock, huh boys? We spent some time outside this afternoon and I think the boys were pretty relaxed!

Our first swing!

We enjoyed the beautiful weather over the weekend and the boys got to go on their first real swing set! We took them to the park downtown Annapolis and then had lunch outside. Of course, we didn't have the real camera to capture the moment but I took these on my phone - not too shabby. At least we have something to remember the occasion with!