Mothers Day

I find it odd how, even after resolving my infertility issues, Mothers Day is still a tender topic for me. I have been told that infertility never leaves you and I do believe that is true. For most of my life, Mothers Day was a day to celebrate my amazing Mom and my Grandmothers. About 4 years ago, the meaning changed a bit for me personally, since at that time I was ready to actually BE a Mom. We had dreams of having a baby the next year. When my perfect world plan of easily becoming a Mom was shattered by infertility issues, the meaning of Mothers Day changed yet again. Mothers Day’s came and went each year, still no baby. Sadly, it became a very hard day, instead of a joyous one. It was the hardest holiday of the year. As selfish as that sounds, it was. Although I never lost sight of the importance of recognizing my own Mom for the amazing woman that she is and how much she means to me, and my mother in law for all that she is & has done for us, it was personally one of the hardest days of the year.

Anyone suffering with fertility issues will agree. I think the anticipation of the day was actually worse than the day itself – but still, seeing all of the hype about Mothers Day on tv, in card stores, in retail shops etc. was at times, heart wrenching. Picking out Mothers Day cards for friends and family was nearly impossible. The longing for a child became more intense as the days went on. And after losing three babies along the way, Mothers Day felt like a day set out there to torture infertile women, especially those who have lost babies and were not able to hold their babies on that special day. The babies were not here; they were in heaven. Or for some, they had never even been pregnant. I guess at that time I was a Mom of sorts; but that didn’t make it any easier. This probably sounds so callous and selfish – but it’s the honest truth. Infertility can bring out the worst in you at times.

It wasn’t until last night that I started reflecting on all of this when C. & I were discussing what the plans were for Mothers Day. I got a sudden pang in my stomach over the words “Mothers Day”, and then realized that finally, it was my day too. Last year at Mothers Day I was pregnant with the triplets – but to be honest, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop so was a bit hesitant to celebrate too much or get too excited. I distinctly remember saying to myself that I would patiently wait until next year to celebrate – God willing, everything would be OK and I would have babies in hand to be able to celebrate with. My family came over to our house last year and they brought me Mothers Day gifts & cards. It felt funny. I remember opening them and being scared to death that they would have to be packed away or returned due to something happening to the pregnancy. I remember opening a package with three bibs and three onesie pj things. It was hard not to get too excited – for it was certainly the longest I had remained pregnant thus far; little did I know what was in store just a few short weeks later. My first "belly shot" was taken last year on Mothers Day...it was just a small little bump. Not in my wildest dreams would I think that my dream of having a baby(ies) to hold would actually come true; not considering our history up until that point.

As excited as I am for Mothers Day this year, at the same time my heart hurts for those around me who are still struggling to have babies. And there are many. I almost feel guilty that I get to celebrate this time around and they don’t, just yet. A few of them have lost babies in the last year (two have lost twins) and I can’t help but know how hard this day is going to be for them. And for those who haven’t lost babies but are struggling to have them, it’s just as hard. When you’re not able to get pregnant or stay pregnant, or have lost a little one, Mothers Day can turn into a day that you are reminded of what you DON’T have; instead of what you DO have. Sad but true.

So, my hat is off for those of you who are dreading this Mothers Day. I know that on the outside you will do what you need to do to celebrate the day properly for your Mothers (and Sisters, sister in laws, friends etc.). And you’ll do it with a smile and be the strong, amazing women that you are. But I also know that deep down, it’s not that easy. You all hold a special place in my heart, especially this coming Sunday. I will hope and pray that this is the last Mothers Day that you will endure without your ultimate gift. Keep the faith and don’t give up. The wait is so hard – but you’re a better person for it in many ways. And in the end, everything WILL be ok.

Happy Mothers Day in advance to all of you out there – it’s a VERY special day and you all are very special Mom’s!