Crunch Time

Christmas is 10 days away – AHHHHHHHHHH! Actually, I’m in pretty good stead at this point – my shopping is done which is a huge plus. Cards are out, another plus. Out of town gifts mailed, house decorated (took 2 weeks) and stockings hung with care. Now I just have to wrap gifts and bake cookies. That shouldn’t be too hard should it? We are a host house on our annual progressive dinner tour tomorrow (we are sans kids for the first time overnight) so I have a bit of scrambling to do in the next 24 hours. Nevermind the scheduled “winter event” which is rolling in sometime tomorrow – will be fun to be sloshing around in the snow with a few cocktails!

The kids have been really enjoying the holiday spirit – currently, their favorite thing is to dump a wire basket of red balls all over the floor REPEATEDLY and watch them scatter in all directions. Then we pick them up, put them back in the basket, and do it again. And again. And again. And again. The simple things. Thank goodness I thought to get a few plastic Christmas balls for them to play with. It has provided them with several minutes of entertainment so I can actually get a few things done. They are infatuated with the Christmas tree. They love the singing animals that we bought them which I’m about to throw out into the yard. We took them to Lights on the Bay the other night and they were mesmerized by the lights (it’s a light show that you drive through and see lots of different Christmas characters and fun light formations). Although we are not yet proficient at understanding toddler gibberish, it sounded like they were enjoying it in the back seat based on their chit chat back and forth.

We were back at the pediatrician this week – for the 7th time in 4 weeks – to have Cole’s ears checked again. After his second bout with hives on the 3rd medication, it does appear that his ears are getting better. But we’re headed to the ENT doc next week to discuss future ear issues. Our pediatrician thinks it might be wise to consider getting tubes now rather than go through the winter with chronic ear infections and risk hearing issues or further medication allergy flare ups. I’m relieved actually as I do not want him to have to endure the whole winter season in and out of the doctors office. That is no fun for any of us. We’ll see what the consensus is.

In early January JD is having surgery to remove the epidermal cyst on his left eye. I’m already losing sleep. We are going to Children’s Hospital in DC for the outpatient procedure and both the surgeon and his nurse have promised that this will indeed be harder on C. & I than it will be on JD. Although outpatient, he still has to be put under for a short time and that in itself scares the crap out of me. You would think that all we went through early on would have prepared me for this but I guess you are never prepared for your little guys to have to get anesthesia and endure the risks that are involved. God will give me strength, I hope.

On a bigger note, JD IS WALKING! How did this happen? A year ago this child could barely hold his head up – and now he’s walking around grabbing everything in sight! Crawling is still his preferred mode of transportation – but he’s taking 10-12 steps in a row before he falls down to his knees. And he will not walk on demand – it’s usually when we act like we’re not watching that he will start toddling over to something. It’s funny to see his little head bobbing up and down as he waddles around…once we notice that he’s walking, he falls to the ground. He can crawl much faster than he can walk right now so in an effort to be more efficient, that’s his preference. I would think that by the end of next week, he’ll be up on two feet more than down on all 4’s. Cole is closing the gap pretty quick – his progress over the last 2-3 weeks has been amazing. His therapists are impressed and so are we. Although I will admit, I’m not rushing his walking – having two little people walking will really rock my world!

The Christmas cards have started coming – and I will admit, I still get a little pang in my heart when I see Christmas cards. For so long, it was hard to open those envelopes and see the growing families when we were struggling so much. Although I have always loved to see the family photos each year – it was a reminder that we were still waiting to be blessed with a family of our own. The sting is less but it never fails to remind me each day when I get the mail, of those who are still struggling to have children.

Personally, I am in a very strange place this holiday season. Most days go by now and I don’t think of Calvin. There are certain triggers and reminders of him periodically but as time goes on, my heart is healing. As I took out the Christmas tree decorations this year, I found all of the ornaments that we got last year in memory of Baby Calvin; and all of those feelings came rushing back. I’ve got that funny feeling back with me – and it’s almost a comfort because I know he’s with me this holiday season; he’s watching us and reminding me that he’s ok. I miss him terribly. And only recently have I started talking to JD & Cole about their brother. I’m not really sure how you go about doing that with kids that have a sibling in heaven. But I’m just winging it and hoping that the way I’m handling it will allow JD & Cole to grow up knowing about their brother and knowing what a special boy he was. A part of my heart will always long for him ~ and I can’t help but think about how life would be if he was still here. Looking at Cole, I know what he would look like now and often wonder if he would be doing the same things. Would they sound the same? Would they have a special connection between the two of them?



We're in for a very special Christmas since the kids are starting to get the concept of the holidays. Seeing them experience the wonder of Christmas for the first time has been so heartwarming and fun. Surely there will be many more memories to record between now and the day the Big Man comes...