Mothers Day

For a couple of weeks, I've been struggling to figure out what is going on in my head. I've always cried easily - but lately I've had a lump in my throat a lot - not necessarily in a bad way. My friend's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. Another friend lost her Dad suddenly. Another friend lost her 25 week preemie at just 9 days old. Tough stuff to watch friends go through. Reminders that are familiar in a way to me, of years past.

And then I went on an amazing family vacation with my parents, brother, sister in law, aunt & niece and nephew. I left my husband behind on our trip and missed him terribly. During this trip, I welled up several times a day while I watched my boys with their family. That unconditional love that is so amazing to see. It happened most when I saw them with my Mom & Dad - who were so obviously in heaven as they had all of us together in their place. I reflected back many times that week on my childhood days visiting my grandparents in Florida and remembering fondly how much I loved those trips. I missed my Grammy a lot that week and know she was watching us much of the time, so proud of my Mom and her grand babies. But that lump never went away, even during that wonderful time. I cried terribly when it was time to leave - and a lot the day after we got home.

Yesterday I did a walk with several of my MOM friends in honor of Baby Addi who died from SIDS a year and a half ago. Our friend put our team together to honor her daughter and it was a special morning. I brought the boys on the walk too - and they enjoyed being out there but not really comprehending the reason. Days before we walked, they asked a LOT about Addi and who she was etc. They questioned heaven and if she was with Calvin. We talked a lot about that concept in the days leading up to the walk. Their tshirts had Addi's name on them so when we got dressed yesterday morning, they asked again if she was in heaven with Calvin and if they knew each other. Just as we started the walk, a white butterfly came around us for a quick second. Both kids noticed and commented on it and the butterfly was gone just as quick as it appeared. But it stayed in my head all day - I couldn't help but figure it was the "babies" letting us know that they were with us.

Just last night, I shared some of this with some girlfriends at a party - not really understanding what is going on with me. I turned 41 yesterday - and that certainly wasn't it. Birthday's don't bother me, in fact, I love Birthdays, no matter what the number. I left after talking to them still wondering what was going on. And I still had that "I could cry at any moment" feeling - with no explanation why.

Mothers Day morning - I slept in this morning and layed in bed listening to the boys and Chuck making me breakfast. I loved the sweet sound of thier voices, trying to do their best as Chuck tried not to get frustrated that someone missed the bowl while pouring in the water for the pancake batter. Just as it always is when they help with the baking and pancake making. They loved helping. We had breakfast together. Much like the last couple of Mothers Days we have had. I opened their home made gifts and cried. It tooks us years to be able to have kids and these are the visions I always had - and then some. I cried some more.

Later, as the kids ran outside with Chuck, I checked facebook and ended up on Declans page (declansjourney.org). And at the same time I was reading it, my blackberry dinged with a message from a friend. With tears streaming, it all clicked.

I think much of this has to do with Calvin. Calvin, I miss you so much today. And it was 4 years ago today that we spread your ashes. How could I not have realized this is what has been weighing on me? The tears came - and wouldn't stop. Healing tears, some sad tears, tears of joy, tears of gratitude for what my son Calvin has taught me about life. We left shortly after to go to the cemetary where Calvin's ashes are spread and the kids and I sat for a while, talking about their brother. I asked what they might want to say to him and they simply said "I love you and miss you".

I feel relieved today - and to say I'm grateful wouldn't even be close to what I am, for this life and all that I have. Mothers Day is a special day - and means different things to everyone. I love the day to celebrate my own Mom and all that she means to me. She has given me so much and taught me lessons that I will cherish forever. Her grace and love never cease to amaze me and I treasure every second I have with her.

And I love this day to celebrate being a Mom to 3 amazing boys. Although one is not here with us, he is with us in spirit and continues to teach us life lessons. I am proud to be the Mom of the boys that are with me today - they bring me more joy, love and contentment than anything ever will.

Happy Mothers Day, with love.

The Big Four-OH

Well, it’s here. I’ve never really been sure how I would feel about turning THIS old. I remember when my Mom turned 40 – and she was such a young 40. Her surprise party at our house was full of friends and fun. I was 16 at the time and as a budding teenager, I was so well aware of the “fun” they were having (I knew they were all wasted and crazy, just as we will be). My one wish is that I take after my Mom, who is still a very young mid-60's today. If I’m blessed enough with her genes, I’m blessed enough. Thanks Mom.

I’m not phased by this milestone birthday much – except in a very good way. I feel so blessed and lucky to be turning 40 with my health and all things important to me. There are many more than 40 blessings in my life, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to take inventory and remind myself of each and everything that should be remembered and appreciated. Some people have a bucket list. Mine, for today, is my TOP FORTY list.

As an aside, I will admit, Casey Kasem was one of my favorite Saturday morning past times years ago with the top 40 countdown – it was no mistake who my college room mate and best friend ended up being – Tracey. She was a top 40 girl, as I was and was quickly nicknamed Tracey Kasem. Any of you 70’s kids will remember his sign off at the end of every top 40 run – “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars”. Oddly enough, I think of that saying a lot. Perhaps it’s helped me along these last 40 years...

In no particular order (aside from my top 4), here are the TOP 40 blessings that I am beyond grateful for – some as a result of hard work, most as a result of just pure luck.

~My husband – my rock, baby Daddy, confidant and lifelong partner.
~JD&Cole – my miracle babies who have taught me more about life than I will ever learn, in a very short time. You make me laugh daily, and cry occasionally. Watching you grow up is amazing – although going much too fast, I don’t take a day for granted. You will never know how special you are to me – you’ve completed me and made my life rich beyond measure.
~Angel baby Calvin-keeps me grounded, protects us all and reminds me daily of the fragility of life.
~Mom & Dad-the two people who have made me what I am today, through love, friendship and being incredible role models.
~My brother-what a kid to grow up with, and what a man to grow old with. Our memories make me laugh almost daily; we’ve had so much fun over the years;
~Girlfriends-you know who you are; without each other, we’d be insane by now. You guys are amazing and I am thankful to have such wonderful counselors, role models and fun seekers surrounding me.
~The roof over my head-my home is my safe place and I love it. It’s perfect for us and I’m grateful to have such a peaceful place to call home.
~My job - I genuinely love what I do and that I have the opportunity that I have. Not many people can be so lucky (most days).
~Aunt Kathy
~The hermie went to heaven, finally;
~Carolyn & Joe (my MIL & FIL) – for raising my husband to be the man he is today; and Carolyn for being a friend and huge help in my life.
~Jeb (my step FIL) – for being such a gem in our lives and taking such good care of Carolyn.
~Cousins – all of which are absolutely amazing people that I’m so proud to be related to!
~Great neighbors
~Fun Coworkers
~Moms of Multiples group
~Good doctors
~My camera – for recording our lives so well over the years;
~Blackberry - for helping me be able to stay in touch at work while I have time for my family too;
~Reliable car, which I spend 80% of my time in and gets us to and from safely;
~Trainer - although not as frequent as I would like, it's better than nothing;
~Good health - so far so good;
~Childhood friends - who have known me forever and still like me;
~The "juniors" - who I love dearly;
~My AMOM friends
~My husbands job/career & his work ethic
~Faith
~Laughter - as often as possible
~Godchildren – many of which were my first “kids” before my own;
~Nieces & nephews
~Sister in laws
~Flexibility I have with work so I can be with my kids
~The internet
~Microwave - because I am an awful cook;
~Pizza delivery guys (see above)
~Facebook - for reconnecting me to some very special people;
~TV DVR
~The best 40th birthday gift, our Beach cottage;


Blessed beyond measure and happy to make it this far. Can't wait for a weekend full of celebration and fun - 40th Bday and Mothers Day, all in one. Bring it on!

Slacker

I'm caught in this blog hiatus and it's eating me away. I miss blogging but have also enjoyed the reprieve as it became more of a "job" than an enjoyment.

I think I'm ready to get back to it - if nothing else, as a great memoir for the boys. Sooooo, I've got some catching up to do to chronicle the summer and all that we've done. It's been an awesome summer - and the kids have changed so much over the last few months. It's hard to believe it's been 3 months+ since my last post. I have lots of adventures, pictures and fun stories to share.

More to come....

Dreams come true

It's what I had dreamed of doing someday - and certainly one of the best days yet with the kids. We took them to their first real baseball game last night and it was awesome!

The kids loved it and Daddy loved it even more. I could see it in his eyes and his heart as we walked into the stadium - with low expectations on how much they would enjoy it, we both were so happy that they loved it as much as they did. I even splurged on a "real" baseball and they held on to those balls as if they were gold. The day ended with them fast asleep with the baseballs. Doesn't get any better than this! We're so blessed to have these little guys. My heart is so full.

P.S. - It's been almost a month since my last post. I have SO much to update on. Back soon with a good, long update.

sunshine & a picnic

We had such a fun day today - just had to share some photos. It was the perfect day for me - a day full of sunshine, laughter and fun with my boys. I treasure these days more than life itself.

We're all pooped!

HFMD

HAND
FOOT
MOUTH

FOR THE 3RD TIME THIS YEAR
ENOUGH SAID...

He's always there

I have found myself thinking about Calvin, our little angel, A LOT lately. Several times a day he’s popping into my head. I don’t know why. And I love it. Not necessarily sad thoughts – but just kind gentle reminders that he’s there. Maybe it’s the spring time that is reminding me of him – the new flowers and rebirth. Or maybe it’s that the boys mention his name more often now when we refer to heaven and the hermit crabs being there too. Maybe it’s that I noticed a few days ago that our baby lily has come up again this year and is getting ready to bloom. Or maybe it’s the time of year since it was around this time that we started to really get excited about our triplet pregnancy. I can’t believe that was THREE years ago now. Whatever it is, I find it comforting and happy when I know he’s around in spirit.

A friend of a friend of mine recently lost a triplet and her babies are currently in NICU growing and trying to make their way home. When we talk, it immediately takes me back to that place. It’s always a nice reminder of how far we have come – yet a tough one to realize that so many others have to go through that experience with their children. The Mom has lately been given some signs that her baby girl is there with them in spirit and is reminding them that she’s close by. Thank goodness for these little signs from above that let us know that our loved ones lost are still there and caring for us. Somehow it makes it all ok.

Another Shiner....

Not the first, and certainly not the last - JD accidentally (I think) clubbed Cole in the eye with a large wooden stick he grabbed out of the shed. On my watch. Ugh. Boys will be boys.

On a lighter note, it never ceases to amaze me how these boys, like all others, still love to run around naked any chance hey get - it's everything I can do after baths to get them dressed before they take off running like banchees around the house in their birthday suits!

School Days

The kids teachers have been taking photos of them in the classroom doing fun activities with the disposable camera that I left there for them. I knew I was missing some fun moments so they were happy to take photos of some of the "firsts" that they have had while in school. I got the photos back today and although the quality isn't great due to the camera, they capture some fun moments.

Cole and his friend Emma painting

Cole holding the flag during the morning pledge

Cole loves to paint!

Jessica gets a smooch from JD

Sharing the sit-n-spin

Finger painting

Messy marvin apparently loves jelly on his bagels

Easter Sunday

What a blast. The Easter weekend was so much fun for the kids - and the parents! I must say however, that I have forgotten how much candy is involved with Easter. It was worse than Halloween! Cole is a candy fanatic and ate candy ALL.DAY.LONG. He was sneaking candy out of every and any basket he could find and mastered the art of unwrapping chocolate eggs and kisses very quickly.


Both boys were really into the Easter bunny - we left carrots and eggs out for the bunny and low and behold, he ate them! They were so excited to run downstairs and see their loot in the morning - and were hard pressed to get ready for church when the time came.

We had our first fight about the outfit - can you believe at 2.5 they are already giving me a hard time about dressing up? We made it to church on time and lasted about 30 minutes. I started to get the stink eye from "Daddy" so we left early to head over to Mimi's for the egg hunt.


Cole loved hunting for eggs - and got lots of loot in his basket. JD on the other hand, would find an egg, open it, check out the contents, maybe eat a few, and resume his hunt. Needless to say, by the time he did this, all of the eggs were found and he ended up with about 3 eggs. He didn't care.


After Mimi's brunch, we headed home for much needed naps and then left for Gramma's for the 2nd round. More candy, more food, more cousins and more fun. All in all it was a wonderful day. I actually took time to reflect on how lucky we are as a family and how blessed we are to have two wonderful children. There is nothing more heart warming than spending the holidays together, with our families and watching the kids enjoy the special time. They are so surrounded with love from their family. So wonderful to watch.

Hope everyone had a special Easter season. Spring has sprung!