Mothers Day

For a couple of weeks, I've been struggling to figure out what is going on in my head. I've always cried easily - but lately I've had a lump in my throat a lot - not necessarily in a bad way. My friend's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. Another friend lost her Dad suddenly. Another friend lost her 25 week preemie at just 9 days old. Tough stuff to watch friends go through. Reminders that are familiar in a way to me, of years past.

And then I went on an amazing family vacation with my parents, brother, sister in law, aunt & niece and nephew. I left my husband behind on our trip and missed him terribly. During this trip, I welled up several times a day while I watched my boys with their family. That unconditional love that is so amazing to see. It happened most when I saw them with my Mom & Dad - who were so obviously in heaven as they had all of us together in their place. I reflected back many times that week on my childhood days visiting my grandparents in Florida and remembering fondly how much I loved those trips. I missed my Grammy a lot that week and know she was watching us much of the time, so proud of my Mom and her grand babies. But that lump never went away, even during that wonderful time. I cried terribly when it was time to leave - and a lot the day after we got home.

Yesterday I did a walk with several of my MOM friends in honor of Baby Addi who died from SIDS a year and a half ago. Our friend put our team together to honor her daughter and it was a special morning. I brought the boys on the walk too - and they enjoyed being out there but not really comprehending the reason. Days before we walked, they asked a LOT about Addi and who she was etc. They questioned heaven and if she was with Calvin. We talked a lot about that concept in the days leading up to the walk. Their tshirts had Addi's name on them so when we got dressed yesterday morning, they asked again if she was in heaven with Calvin and if they knew each other. Just as we started the walk, a white butterfly came around us for a quick second. Both kids noticed and commented on it and the butterfly was gone just as quick as it appeared. But it stayed in my head all day - I couldn't help but figure it was the "babies" letting us know that they were with us.

Just last night, I shared some of this with some girlfriends at a party - not really understanding what is going on with me. I turned 41 yesterday - and that certainly wasn't it. Birthday's don't bother me, in fact, I love Birthdays, no matter what the number. I left after talking to them still wondering what was going on. And I still had that "I could cry at any moment" feeling - with no explanation why.

Mothers Day morning - I slept in this morning and layed in bed listening to the boys and Chuck making me breakfast. I loved the sweet sound of thier voices, trying to do their best as Chuck tried not to get frustrated that someone missed the bowl while pouring in the water for the pancake batter. Just as it always is when they help with the baking and pancake making. They loved helping. We had breakfast together. Much like the last couple of Mothers Days we have had. I opened their home made gifts and cried. It tooks us years to be able to have kids and these are the visions I always had - and then some. I cried some more.

Later, as the kids ran outside with Chuck, I checked facebook and ended up on Declans page (declansjourney.org). And at the same time I was reading it, my blackberry dinged with a message from a friend. With tears streaming, it all clicked.

I think much of this has to do with Calvin. Calvin, I miss you so much today. And it was 4 years ago today that we spread your ashes. How could I not have realized this is what has been weighing on me? The tears came - and wouldn't stop. Healing tears, some sad tears, tears of joy, tears of gratitude for what my son Calvin has taught me about life. We left shortly after to go to the cemetary where Calvin's ashes are spread and the kids and I sat for a while, talking about their brother. I asked what they might want to say to him and they simply said "I love you and miss you".

I feel relieved today - and to say I'm grateful wouldn't even be close to what I am, for this life and all that I have. Mothers Day is a special day - and means different things to everyone. I love the day to celebrate my own Mom and all that she means to me. She has given me so much and taught me lessons that I will cherish forever. Her grace and love never cease to amaze me and I treasure every second I have with her.

And I love this day to celebrate being a Mom to 3 amazing boys. Although one is not here with us, he is with us in spirit and continues to teach us life lessons. I am proud to be the Mom of the boys that are with me today - they bring me more joy, love and contentment than anything ever will.

Happy Mothers Day, with love.