Boy, the weeks leading up to this week were much more stressful than I realized. When I woke up on August 30th, the day after the kids first birthday, I felt like the world had been let off of my shoulders. It's funny how your body handles things isn't it? And I didn't even realize it until it was over.
Sometimes the anticipation of things is actually much harder than the actual event; whenever it comes. It seems that anticipating the first birthday milestone, coupled with the 1st anniversary of Calvin's death, was much more taxing on me than I realized it would be. I have to admit, when Wednesday rolled around this week, 8/29/07, which was supposed to be such a fun, special day - it was not a good day. It was one of the harder days I've ever had. And frankly, I was in such a weird place - I found myself having those same feelings that I had on the day the kids were born. Torn between ultimate happiness and ultimate sadness. It is my only hope that this year was the hardest year - and from here on out, it will not be like that. I will never not mourn little Calvin on that day - but I am hopeful that going forward, their birthday WILL be a day or celebration; not sadness. It felt good to let it all out - and just take it as it came. But I think I was trying too hard NOT to let it get me down that I was disappointed when it really did. Oh well. You never know how these things will play out I guess. And you just have to ride the wave. Anyway, it's past us now and on to year #2! I can hardly believe it.
We've got a fun low key weekend planned so it will be nice to have some family time. We're headed back to NICU tomorrow for our one year visit - should be nice to see some of our old friends there. Cole & JD's little friend Jack, our room mate from NICU is going too - it will be the first time they have met aside from when they were little preemies. Jack is 4 days younger than Cole & JD so he has his big birthday celebration this weekend.
Happy long weekend to all...thanks for all of your wonderful messages and support this week. We felt overwhelmed with love. XOXOXOX
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO MY LITTLE MIRACLES!
It's here. One year ago, at 7:57am, you graced us with your presence on earth. It's your first birthday! You two are amazing! You've brought us more joy than we could ever ask for and since we met you, our lives have never been the same. It's been quite a year and you've shown us more courage, love and perseverence than we ever imagined. You are true miracles. Never forget your brave, special brother - he will always watch over you and be with you in your heart. Calvin, we wish you were here with us and know that you're not far.
Happy Birthday Sweet boys - We love you!
Cole, you've come a long way baby!
JD, way to go big boy!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
1st Birthday Party!
We had a great time this weekend at the boys first birthday party. I was warned that it might be a bit chaotic; and boy, that warning was spot on! But it was still fun, nonetheless and the boys had a great time being the center of attention. They were little troopers and really enjoyed having all of their family and closest friends around to celebrate.
They enjoyed their first taste of chocolate cake - although I don't think they knew exactly what to do with it. And their favorite part was the ice cream. They love ice cream! As you will see from the photos below, they dug right in and enjoyed the sweet treats.
Thank you to everyone for your sweet messages, cards, gifts and well wishes for the kids. It means the world to us. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system around us - and such genuine love for our family. Enjoy the photos!
They enjoyed their first taste of chocolate cake - although I don't think they knew exactly what to do with it. And their favorite part was the ice cream. They love ice cream! As you will see from the photos below, they dug right in and enjoyed the sweet treats.
Thank you to everyone for your sweet messages, cards, gifts and well wishes for the kids. It means the world to us. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system around us - and such genuine love for our family. Enjoy the photos!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A10 - accomplished!
Well, I made it to the finish line of the Annapolis 10 miler. Standing. And smiling. Crying rather. My little Angle Calvin, no doubt, carried me during my race this morning. I called on him around Mile 4 when I was sputtering up a large hill. I went out of the gates too fast and by the 4th mile, I was thinking that I would be going over the finish line on a stretcher. But I backed off, found my pace, drank lots of gatorade & water and re-grouped. With a little help from above, I regained my strength and powered through the race. It felt awesome. As of now, I feel good. We'll see if I can get out of bed in the morning!
Pictures to come of the big birthday celebration - what a day. Stay tuned...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Big Weekend!
It's the eve of the boys first birthday party. WOW. Has it really been almost a year? Pretty amazing. We are having their party on Saturday with all of the family we can muster! It should be quite a fun day (aside from the fact that the heat index is supposed to be +100). We'll take lots of pictures and post them after the weekend events.
I'm coming out of running retirement this weekend too - I'm running in the famous Annapolis 10 miler on Sunday morning. This will greatly curb by eating and drinking abilities on Saturday, which is probably a good thing. I think I need more luck for the race than I do making it through the boys birthday party! By the time you hear from me next time, I'll probably be sporting some very sore legs - but god willing, will be proud that I made it to the finish. Stay tuned and have a great weekend everyone!
I'm coming out of running retirement this weekend too - I'm running in the famous Annapolis 10 miler on Sunday morning. This will greatly curb by eating and drinking abilities on Saturday, which is probably a good thing. I think I need more luck for the race than I do making it through the boys birthday party! By the time you hear from me next time, I'll probably be sporting some very sore legs - but god willing, will be proud that I made it to the finish. Stay tuned and have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
He's never far
Calvin. He's so close. Always. It's been a hard few weeks. I can't lie. My heart hurts extra much. And there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't miss him. It still comes in waves, only the last few weeks have been like a tidal wave. A never ending one. Time heals, I know. But this hole in my heart still is gaping. I want to hold him again.
I keep flashing back to the day they were born. The night before, I knew something was not right. At 6pm, the doctor did a sonogram to take a look. Mothers know. Surprisingly, all looked well. I didn't sleep much at all that night. I was very restless. At 6am, the doctor arrived as he did each day for another sonogram. It was a few minutes of silence when we knew that there was no heartbeat and then his words "Kate, there is no heartbeat. You're going to delivery".
The nurses started rushing. Within 10 minutes, my IV was started, the anesthesiologist had arrived and we were trying feverishly to reach C. They took off my jewelry, changed me out of my jammies into a gown, took some blood to run a quick work up to find out what drugs were still in my system and started wheeling me toward the OR. Scariest day of my entire life. C. arrived as we were wheeling out - he came running down the hall. They threw him his scrubs and he was dressing while following my bed down the hall. Mom was already scrubbed just in case he didn't make it.
Once we got into the OR, they gave me my spinal. We had to wait for what seemed like an hour for the blood work to come back. If my body had not rid of the indicin that I took the night before, they were going to have to knock me out for surgery. Luckily my levels were ok so I was able to remain awake. Within about 10 minutes, the babies were being pulled out. Cole was first since he was the most at risk. They didn't tell me when he was out - and he wasn't crying so I didn't know he had been born. JD was next out - he was wailing. The sweetest sound I've ever heard. I concentrated on his cry so hard. It was as if he was right next to me, it was so loud. He was alive, and breathing. They brought him to my head and I held him & kissed him for a second - he was wimpering. What a miracle. I'll never forget his sweet little face. Cole was being worked on; very shortly after I saw JD, they wheeled Cole up to me in the bassinet so I could see him. They were helping him breathe with a bag - but he was holding his own. I didn't get to see his face but I saw him breathing and touched his blanket. Then they rushed him away. Calvin was born last since he was stillborn. They all were born within 90 seconds of each other. C. got to cut the cords. It was an eternity when they were stitching me up after surgery. C. was giving me minute by minute updates as he bounced around the OR from baby to baby. He & the nurses came to me with pictures on the digital camera. I specifically asked for a photo of the three boys together and nurse K. came over to let me know that she had fulfilled my wishes. That was something I asked the nurses to put into my chart to make sure it got done...and it did.
Calvin had his own special nurse. She handled him with such dignity and grace. She wrapped him in a blanket, gave him a hat and kept him warm. I was not able to see him until a few hours later. We held him. And talked to him. He was perfect but lifeless. He looked like he was just sleeping. Such an innocent little soul who taught us the greatest lesson in life one could learn. A selfless hero. Our guardian angel. My greatest strength when things get tough.
People told me that I would probably long to hold him again. And that those last moments with him would have to last a lifetime. They seem foggy to me now. And it's only been a year. It's foggy probably due to the drugs I was on at the time. And I remember feeling particularly strong that day - I guess I was just numb. I remember how it felt to hold him (I didn't get to hold the other babies for over a day after they were born) and I remember his face. And hands. And feet. But what seems foggy to me is how I didn't crumble into a million pieces that day. How did I ever give him back to the nurse when I thought I was finished holding him? They kept asking if I wanted to see him again over the next 24 hours. We said no. Should we have? Would that have made my memory a bit more vivid? I'll never know I guess.
It's taken me some time to get to this point. I relish in the happiness that JD & Cole give to me every day. I can look at Cole any time and know what Cal would look like. But it's so hard to let that guard down and feel the pain. It's starting to rock my world. The most unforgettable, scary, joyous, heartbreaking, emotional, amazing day was almost one year ago. The teetering between extreme grief and extreme joy is a tough place to be. Fortunately, it just happens and you ride the wave of raw emotion as it comes; and goes. There's no easy way.
I keep flashing back to the day they were born. The night before, I knew something was not right. At 6pm, the doctor did a sonogram to take a look. Mothers know. Surprisingly, all looked well. I didn't sleep much at all that night. I was very restless. At 6am, the doctor arrived as he did each day for another sonogram. It was a few minutes of silence when we knew that there was no heartbeat and then his words "Kate, there is no heartbeat. You're going to delivery".
The nurses started rushing. Within 10 minutes, my IV was started, the anesthesiologist had arrived and we were trying feverishly to reach C. They took off my jewelry, changed me out of my jammies into a gown, took some blood to run a quick work up to find out what drugs were still in my system and started wheeling me toward the OR. Scariest day of my entire life. C. arrived as we were wheeling out - he came running down the hall. They threw him his scrubs and he was dressing while following my bed down the hall. Mom was already scrubbed just in case he didn't make it.
Once we got into the OR, they gave me my spinal. We had to wait for what seemed like an hour for the blood work to come back. If my body had not rid of the indicin that I took the night before, they were going to have to knock me out for surgery. Luckily my levels were ok so I was able to remain awake. Within about 10 minutes, the babies were being pulled out. Cole was first since he was the most at risk. They didn't tell me when he was out - and he wasn't crying so I didn't know he had been born. JD was next out - he was wailing. The sweetest sound I've ever heard. I concentrated on his cry so hard. It was as if he was right next to me, it was so loud. He was alive, and breathing. They brought him to my head and I held him & kissed him for a second - he was wimpering. What a miracle. I'll never forget his sweet little face. Cole was being worked on; very shortly after I saw JD, they wheeled Cole up to me in the bassinet so I could see him. They were helping him breathe with a bag - but he was holding his own. I didn't get to see his face but I saw him breathing and touched his blanket. Then they rushed him away. Calvin was born last since he was stillborn. They all were born within 90 seconds of each other. C. got to cut the cords. It was an eternity when they were stitching me up after surgery. C. was giving me minute by minute updates as he bounced around the OR from baby to baby. He & the nurses came to me with pictures on the digital camera. I specifically asked for a photo of the three boys together and nurse K. came over to let me know that she had fulfilled my wishes. That was something I asked the nurses to put into my chart to make sure it got done...and it did.
Calvin had his own special nurse. She handled him with such dignity and grace. She wrapped him in a blanket, gave him a hat and kept him warm. I was not able to see him until a few hours later. We held him. And talked to him. He was perfect but lifeless. He looked like he was just sleeping. Such an innocent little soul who taught us the greatest lesson in life one could learn. A selfless hero. Our guardian angel. My greatest strength when things get tough.
People told me that I would probably long to hold him again. And that those last moments with him would have to last a lifetime. They seem foggy to me now. And it's only been a year. It's foggy probably due to the drugs I was on at the time. And I remember feeling particularly strong that day - I guess I was just numb. I remember how it felt to hold him (I didn't get to hold the other babies for over a day after they were born) and I remember his face. And hands. And feet. But what seems foggy to me is how I didn't crumble into a million pieces that day. How did I ever give him back to the nurse when I thought I was finished holding him? They kept asking if I wanted to see him again over the next 24 hours. We said no. Should we have? Would that have made my memory a bit more vivid? I'll never know I guess.
It's taken me some time to get to this point. I relish in the happiness that JD & Cole give to me every day. I can look at Cole any time and know what Cal would look like. But it's so hard to let that guard down and feel the pain. It's starting to rock my world. The most unforgettable, scary, joyous, heartbreaking, emotional, amazing day was almost one year ago. The teetering between extreme grief and extreme joy is a tough place to be. Fortunately, it just happens and you ride the wave of raw emotion as it comes; and goes. There's no easy way.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Flatulence. And other boy things.
There was a day when the video below might not have been so funny to me. But since having two boys (I do realize that all babies "pass gas" a lot) and being married to one lends itself to a world of flatulence - ALL.OF.THE.TIME. For C. and I, potty talk has never been high on our list - furthermore, we use the bathroom in the privacy of ourselves and we don't fart in front of each other either. It's just something we had an unspoken agreement on. And we still do. God help me. No open door policy in our house, thank goodness. Not that I'm a prude or anything but to take it a step further, my college room mate and I used to contend that we didn't fart...it was an ongoing joke. I guess we didn't really fool anyone - but we thought we did back then.
I have a feeling that this will change, at least for the men of the household; not too long from now. For whatever reason, it's just part of being male. Kind of like the "penis check" everytime we change a diaper. They grab that thing like it's going to run away from them the second the diaper comes off. And one question I have to ask is, is that thing elastic or what? They pull on it like it is...I swear. It looks like it hurts when they reach down there and grab it with such force. I keep telling them it's not going anywhere but they always check, just to be sure. That fascination starts immediately - and apparently never goes away.
Anyway, this video clip was sent to me today by a friend. And I thought it was the strangest commercial. It cracked me up. Enjoy.
I have a feeling that this will change, at least for the men of the household; not too long from now. For whatever reason, it's just part of being male. Kind of like the "penis check" everytime we change a diaper. They grab that thing like it's going to run away from them the second the diaper comes off. And one question I have to ask is, is that thing elastic or what? They pull on it like it is...I swear. It looks like it hurts when they reach down there and grab it with such force. I keep telling them it's not going anywhere but they always check, just to be sure. That fascination starts immediately - and apparently never goes away.
Anyway, this video clip was sent to me today by a friend. And I thought it was the strangest commercial. It cracked me up. Enjoy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Healing thoughts
Hardship of any kind definitely changes your life. Be it illness, loss, divorce, depression, financial problems, lonliness or whatever. In many ways, hardship can be a blessing of sorts and make your life better. Or at least make your perspective on life a bit better. You learn to see that each person who enters your life is a potential gift. Even when at first, they might seem like just another stranger.
You learn to discard old acquaintances and unsupportive friendships, and weed out relationships that don’t work. You look at the glass as half full, not half empty. You make space in your busy workday for moments of appreciation and love. You learn to make choices that feed rather than drain you... you appreciate each day and those things and people around you. You take time for whatever it is that nurtures and heals you.
As I reflect on the last few years of our lives, I'm almost at a loss for words. Looking at the big picture is overwhelming - yet, such is life. For anyone who looks back on where they were any number of years ago, it's hopefully satisfying and hopeful to see how far you've come. Everyone has their cross to bear - and many people would say they have been at the bottom of the barrel at some point in their lives. Anyone who has been in that spot and has later achieved their goals, made their life better, had some dumb luck and/or is in a better place now, would most likely agree.
The people that have walked into and through our life over the last year are amazing and unforgetable - friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, valet guys, neighbors, unknown favor do'ers, meal cookers, pray'ers, and the list goes on...The catalyst to write this comes from the fact that I'm going back to visit my fertility clinic this week with the kids. We're going back to where it all started. My favorite nurses will be there - and with any luck, my doctor. I'm sure they see miracle babies returning all of the time. And it's probably pretty rewarding that those parents take such pride in their children. Afterall, they worked awfully hard to get them here. But really, I want to go back for my sake and for the kids sake. I want a picture of them with the doctor(s) that made them possible. And from there, over the last 4 years, it snowballed into our life as we know it today.
Someone recently asked if I would tell my kids that they were "IVF" babies. Well, I had not really thought much about that actually. But when I did give it some thought, heck yes, I'll tell them. And by the time they are old enough to understand the birds and bees, IVF will be old school. There will be such amazing technology out there by then that IVF will be almost the norm probably; it will seem like no big deal to them. Of course, being boys, they will probably not care one bit about any of that - it's girly stuff and "gross Mom!". In any case, regardless of how they were conceived, they will know that all children are created out of love and nurtured by parents who love them. In this day and age, there are so many ways to have babies that it almost doesn't matter what the logistics are. The old fashioned way is no different than the "assisted way" now...afterall, the IVF babies are going to start outnumbering the natural babies if we're not careful since they are all born in multiples.
You would think with so many twins around now that we wouldn't be like a circus sideshow whenever we go somewhere...but we are. Still. Hence the reason those 9pm grocery runs are much faster and efficient than doing a daily run with all in tow. Wish us luck on our visit to SGFC - another one of those weird moments will hit me walking in that door, I'm sure. Flashbacks.
You learn to discard old acquaintances and unsupportive friendships, and weed out relationships that don’t work. You look at the glass as half full, not half empty. You make space in your busy workday for moments of appreciation and love. You learn to make choices that feed rather than drain you... you appreciate each day and those things and people around you. You take time for whatever it is that nurtures and heals you.
As I reflect on the last few years of our lives, I'm almost at a loss for words. Looking at the big picture is overwhelming - yet, such is life. For anyone who looks back on where they were any number of years ago, it's hopefully satisfying and hopeful to see how far you've come. Everyone has their cross to bear - and many people would say they have been at the bottom of the barrel at some point in their lives. Anyone who has been in that spot and has later achieved their goals, made their life better, had some dumb luck and/or is in a better place now, would most likely agree.
The people that have walked into and through our life over the last year are amazing and unforgetable - friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, valet guys, neighbors, unknown favor do'ers, meal cookers, pray'ers, and the list goes on...The catalyst to write this comes from the fact that I'm going back to visit my fertility clinic this week with the kids. We're going back to where it all started. My favorite nurses will be there - and with any luck, my doctor. I'm sure they see miracle babies returning all of the time. And it's probably pretty rewarding that those parents take such pride in their children. Afterall, they worked awfully hard to get them here. But really, I want to go back for my sake and for the kids sake. I want a picture of them with the doctor(s) that made them possible. And from there, over the last 4 years, it snowballed into our life as we know it today.
Someone recently asked if I would tell my kids that they were "IVF" babies. Well, I had not really thought much about that actually. But when I did give it some thought, heck yes, I'll tell them. And by the time they are old enough to understand the birds and bees, IVF will be old school. There will be such amazing technology out there by then that IVF will be almost the norm probably; it will seem like no big deal to them. Of course, being boys, they will probably not care one bit about any of that - it's girly stuff and "gross Mom!". In any case, regardless of how they were conceived, they will know that all children are created out of love and nurtured by parents who love them. In this day and age, there are so many ways to have babies that it almost doesn't matter what the logistics are. The old fashioned way is no different than the "assisted way" now...afterall, the IVF babies are going to start outnumbering the natural babies if we're not careful since they are all born in multiples.
You would think with so many twins around now that we wouldn't be like a circus sideshow whenever we go somewhere...but we are. Still. Hence the reason those 9pm grocery runs are much faster and efficient than doing a daily run with all in tow. Wish us luck on our visit to SGFC - another one of those weird moments will hit me walking in that door, I'm sure. Flashbacks.
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