Boy, the weeks leading up to this week were much more stressful than I realized. When I woke up on August 30th, the day after the kids first birthday, I felt like the world had been let off of my shoulders. It's funny how your body handles things isn't it? And I didn't even realize it until it was over.
Sometimes the anticipation of things is actually much harder than the actual event; whenever it comes. It seems that anticipating the first birthday milestone, coupled with the 1st anniversary of Calvin's death, was much more taxing on me than I realized it would be. I have to admit, when Wednesday rolled around this week, 8/29/07, which was supposed to be such a fun, special day - it was not a good day. It was one of the harder days I've ever had. And frankly, I was in such a weird place - I found myself having those same feelings that I had on the day the kids were born. Torn between ultimate happiness and ultimate sadness. It is my only hope that this year was the hardest year - and from here on out, it will not be like that. I will never not mourn little Calvin on that day - but I am hopeful that going forward, their birthday WILL be a day or celebration; not sadness. It felt good to let it all out - and just take it as it came. But I think I was trying too hard NOT to let it get me down that I was disappointed when it really did. Oh well. You never know how these things will play out I guess. And you just have to ride the wave. Anyway, it's past us now and on to year #2! I can hardly believe it.
We've got a fun low key weekend planned so it will be nice to have some family time. We're headed back to NICU tomorrow for our one year visit - should be nice to see some of our old friends there. Cole & JD's little friend Jack, our room mate from NICU is going too - it will be the first time they have met aside from when they were little preemies. Jack is 4 days younger than Cole & JD so he has his big birthday celebration this weekend.
Happy long weekend to all...thanks for all of your wonderful messages and support this week. We felt overwhelmed with love. XOXOXOX
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Kate,
Once again you brought tears to my eyes. I know what you mean about being happy and sad at the same time. After 21 years, on the Aug. 29th we still mourn our beloved brother and son Danny. The pain never goes away. However, as you mentioned, life goes on and you keep your chin up. Just wanted to let you know that you were not the only one "mourning" on the 29th.
Love you lots!
Robin
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