12 Month Well Visit...

We had our 1 year well check today - my how far we've come!

Here are the latest stats:

JD - 20 lb, 12 oz - 29 3/4" long
(50% height, 20% weight)

Cole - 18 lb, 1 oz - 28" long
(4% height, not on the chart in weight yet)

Both boys are doing really well in all respects. They got their 1 year shots today and Cole didn't make a peep, while JD wailed. Cole is one tough cookie - must be all those procedures he had early on in life...a shot is a piece of cake for him considering all that he's been through!

JD's two top teeth poked through the skin today so he's now the proud owner of 4 teeth. No sign of Cole's top choppers so we have some more time to go before his smile starts to look toothy. Funny how Cole got the first teeth before JD and now is still waiting for the next batch.

We're starting to wean bottles and move to sippy cups now. It's a hard transition, particularly for that last bottle before bed. Whole milk is on the radar now so we're easing into the transition. Table food is more the norm now than baby food, thank goodness. Feeding time seems to be getting easier for Cole now - but he certainly has his favorites (yogurt) that he would eat every meal if I would let him. We're finally off of the reflux medicines; and aside from the occasional gag reflex from Cole, exploring new foods seems to be fun for them both. Especially when it involves things they can pick up themselves.

All in all, we're so happy with how far the boys have come in the last year. They have grown so much and for a couple of 9 month olds (corrected age), they are right where they need to be!

A Day with Twin Boys

Every morning when I rise
I look in the crib and see four eyes
Two precious babies looking at me
And two big smiles saying "Hi Mommy"

Two little boys drink their bottle
Then get in their walker and try to toddle
After they play they love to snuggle
So going to sleep is never a struggle

After they wake they want more food
Then it's off to the playcenter to brighten their mood
They laugh and play and look around
Then pretty soon after they're wearing a frown

They go on the floor and play with their toys
Then starts the hitting like most little boys
They roll around and try to crawl
Having two babies is always a ball

We feed them cereal from a spoon
And hope they learn to eat real soon
They spit their food everywhere
And yes it goes in mommy's hair

One by one we scrub them clean
They're the cutest boys you've ever seen
We wash their toes and their heads
Then get them dressed to go to bed

Once in bed they twist and wiggle
And sometimes you can hear them giggle
After a while they're fast asleep
Two little boys never looked so sweet

Being the parents of two little boys
Brings double the pleasure and double the joys
Seeing them grow is really the best
I thank God each day cause we're doubly blessed
Author: Rebecca Liebman © August 24, 1999

Destination: Relaxation

3 More days until we're headed off for 2 days of R&R. My best friend from college and I are going for some pampering this weekend! Looks luxurious doesn't it? The pool and spa will be just what the doctor ordered. A perfect ending to a fun summer. Wish Daddy some luck with the boys!

Time to decompress...

Boy, the weeks leading up to this week were much more stressful than I realized. When I woke up on August 30th, the day after the kids first birthday, I felt like the world had been let off of my shoulders. It's funny how your body handles things isn't it? And I didn't even realize it until it was over.

Sometimes the anticipation of things is actually much harder than the actual event; whenever it comes. It seems that anticipating the first birthday milestone, coupled with the 1st anniversary of Calvin's death, was much more taxing on me than I realized it would be. I have to admit, when Wednesday rolled around this week, 8/29/07, which was supposed to be such a fun, special day - it was not a good day. It was one of the harder days I've ever had. And frankly, I was in such a weird place - I found myself having those same feelings that I had on the day the kids were born. Torn between ultimate happiness and ultimate sadness. It is my only hope that this year was the hardest year - and from here on out, it will not be like that. I will never not mourn little Calvin on that day - but I am hopeful that going forward, their birthday WILL be a day or celebration; not sadness. It felt good to let it all out - and just take it as it came. But I think I was trying too hard NOT to let it get me down that I was disappointed when it really did. Oh well. You never know how these things will play out I guess. And you just have to ride the wave. Anyway, it's past us now and on to year #2! I can hardly believe it.

We've got a fun low key weekend planned so it will be nice to have some family time. We're headed back to NICU tomorrow for our one year visit - should be nice to see some of our old friends there. Cole & JD's little friend Jack, our room mate from NICU is going too - it will be the first time they have met aside from when they were little preemies. Jack is 4 days younger than Cole & JD so he has his big birthday celebration this weekend.

Happy long weekend to all...thanks for all of your wonderful messages and support this week. We felt overwhelmed with love. XOXOXOX

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO MY LITTLE MIRACLES!

It's here. One year ago, at 7:57am, you graced us with your presence on earth. It's your first birthday! You two are amazing! You've brought us more joy than we could ever ask for and since we met you, our lives have never been the same. It's been quite a year and you've shown us more courage, love and perseverence than we ever imagined. You are true miracles. Never forget your brave, special brother - he will always watch over you and be with you in your heart. Calvin, we wish you were here with us and know that you're not far.

Happy Birthday Sweet boys - We love you!

Cole, you've come a long way baby!

JD, way to go big boy!

1st Birthday Party!

We had a great time this weekend at the boys first birthday party. I was warned that it might be a bit chaotic; and boy, that warning was spot on! But it was still fun, nonetheless and the boys had a great time being the center of attention. They were little troopers and really enjoyed having all of their family and closest friends around to celebrate.

They enjoyed their first taste of chocolate cake - although I don't think they knew exactly what to do with it. And their favorite part was the ice cream. They love ice cream! As you will see from the photos below, they dug right in and enjoyed the sweet treats.

Thank you to everyone for your sweet messages, cards, gifts and well wishes for the kids. It means the world to us. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system around us - and such genuine love for our family. Enjoy the photos!

A10 - accomplished!

Well, I made it to the finish line of the Annapolis 10 miler. Standing. And smiling. Crying rather. My little Angle Calvin, no doubt, carried me during my race this morning. I called on him around Mile 4 when I was sputtering up a large hill. I went out of the gates too fast and by the 4th mile, I was thinking that I would be going over the finish line on a stretcher. But I backed off, found my pace, drank lots of gatorade & water and re-grouped. With a little help from above, I regained my strength and powered through the race. It felt awesome. As of now, I feel good. We'll see if I can get out of bed in the morning!

Pictures to come of the big birthday celebration - what a day. Stay tuned...

Big Weekend!

It's the eve of the boys first birthday party. WOW. Has it really been almost a year? Pretty amazing. We are having their party on Saturday with all of the family we can muster! It should be quite a fun day (aside from the fact that the heat index is supposed to be +100). We'll take lots of pictures and post them after the weekend events.

I'm coming out of running retirement this weekend too - I'm running in the famous Annapolis 10 miler on Sunday morning. This will greatly curb by eating and drinking abilities on Saturday, which is probably a good thing. I think I need more luck for the race than I do making it through the boys birthday party! By the time you hear from me next time, I'll probably be sporting some very sore legs - but god willing, will be proud that I made it to the finish. Stay tuned and have a great weekend everyone!

He's never far

Calvin. He's so close. Always. It's been a hard few weeks. I can't lie. My heart hurts extra much. And there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't miss him. It still comes in waves, only the last few weeks have been like a tidal wave. A never ending one. Time heals, I know. But this hole in my heart still is gaping. I want to hold him again.

I keep flashing back to the day they were born. The night before, I knew something was not right. At 6pm, the doctor did a sonogram to take a look. Mothers know. Surprisingly, all looked well. I didn't sleep much at all that night. I was very restless. At 6am, the doctor arrived as he did each day for another sonogram. It was a few minutes of silence when we knew that there was no heartbeat and then his words "Kate, there is no heartbeat. You're going to delivery".

The nurses started rushing. Within 10 minutes, my IV was started, the anesthesiologist had arrived and we were trying feverishly to reach C. They took off my jewelry, changed me out of my jammies into a gown, took some blood to run a quick work up to find out what drugs were still in my system and started wheeling me toward the OR. Scariest day of my entire life. C. arrived as we were wheeling out - he came running down the hall. They threw him his scrubs and he was dressing while following my bed down the hall. Mom was already scrubbed just in case he didn't make it.

Once we got into the OR, they gave me my spinal. We had to wait for what seemed like an hour for the blood work to come back. If my body had not rid of the indicin that I took the night before, they were going to have to knock me out for surgery. Luckily my levels were ok so I was able to remain awake. Within about 10 minutes, the babies were being pulled out. Cole was first since he was the most at risk. They didn't tell me when he was out - and he wasn't crying so I didn't know he had been born. JD was next out - he was wailing. The sweetest sound I've ever heard. I concentrated on his cry so hard. It was as if he was right next to me, it was so loud. He was alive, and breathing. They brought him to my head and I held him & kissed him for a second - he was wimpering. What a miracle. I'll never forget his sweet little face. Cole was being worked on; very shortly after I saw JD, they wheeled Cole up to me in the bassinet so I could see him. They were helping him breathe with a bag - but he was holding his own. I didn't get to see his face but I saw him breathing and touched his blanket. Then they rushed him away. Calvin was born last since he was stillborn. They all were born within 90 seconds of each other. C. got to cut the cords. It was an eternity when they were stitching me up after surgery. C. was giving me minute by minute updates as he bounced around the OR from baby to baby. He & the nurses came to me with pictures on the digital camera. I specifically asked for a photo of the three boys together and nurse K. came over to let me know that she had fulfilled my wishes. That was something I asked the nurses to put into my chart to make sure it got done...and it did.

Calvin had his own special nurse. She handled him with such dignity and grace. She wrapped him in a blanket, gave him a hat and kept him warm. I was not able to see him until a few hours later. We held him. And talked to him. He was perfect but lifeless. He looked like he was just sleeping. Such an innocent little soul who taught us the greatest lesson in life one could learn. A selfless hero. Our guardian angel. My greatest strength when things get tough.

People told me that I would probably long to hold him again. And that those last moments with him would have to last a lifetime. They seem foggy to me now. And it's only been a year. It's foggy probably due to the drugs I was on at the time. And I remember feeling particularly strong that day - I guess I was just numb. I remember how it felt to hold him (I didn't get to hold the other babies for over a day after they were born) and I remember his face. And hands. And feet. But what seems foggy to me is how I didn't crumble into a million pieces that day. How did I ever give him back to the nurse when I thought I was finished holding him? They kept asking if I wanted to see him again over the next 24 hours. We said no. Should we have? Would that have made my memory a bit more vivid? I'll never know I guess.

It's taken me some time to get to this point. I relish in the happiness that JD & Cole give to me every day. I can look at Cole any time and know what Cal would look like. But it's so hard to let that guard down and feel the pain. It's starting to rock my world. The most unforgettable, scary, joyous, heartbreaking, emotional, amazing day was almost one year ago. The teetering between extreme grief and extreme joy is a tough place to be. Fortunately, it just happens and you ride the wave of raw emotion as it comes; and goes. There's no easy way.