My Missing Boy

Most days, I only think of you once or twice Calvin. There are other days that you are with me all day long. There’s really no rhyme or reason. But those days that you are with me all day, I love it. I have had a lot of them lately.

I would give anything to have you here with us. Your brothers talk about you all of the time. Cole still sleeps with his “baby Calvin” beanie baby. I love that. Last week, while putting away clothes in JD’s closet, I saw your yellow box. I stopped what I was doing and opened it. JD was with me and wondered what was in there. We looked at your photos – I only showed him one of them – it was the one with the 3 of you together, just after you were born. You were all wrapped in blankets. He said “Mommy, that isn’t baby Calvin? He doesn’t look like that. He looks like Cole’s little sleeping buddy”. JD actually thought you looked like the stuffed animal when you were born. That innocence made me smile.

Although both of your brothers have been told that you looked just like Cole and were his identical twin, they don’t understand it all yet. I try to tell them things about you to help them understand. But I think they are still too young to understand how you could have been there, and are gone now. We’re working on it.

I miss you terribly. My heart still hurts for you a lot. We have so much fun as a family and I just know that it would be even better if you were here too. A few weeks ago we had some friends come to the beach house – 2 sets of triplets. The entire time, I thought of you. I was reminded that you were gone too soon. I pictured what it would be like to have the three of you together, playing on the beach, enjoying each other in the sunshine. My photos would have one more handsome boy in them.  I can only hope that someday soon I can find the grace to explain what a hero you really are to your brothers. When they can finally understand this, they will be so proud. It’s only been recently that when people have asked them if they are twins that they look at me and say “we’re triplets”. My heart bursts every time. They are slowly starting to understand. 
I love you buddy.