Nerves of Steel?

Hardly. A while back, I posted about not really wanting to go back to the NICU again, for any reason. I thought I had made my last trip. Never say never I guess.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to become a NICU support parent volunteer. I accepted. This was something that has been on the agenda at the hospital for a while and nobody really knew if it would really come to fruition. Well, it did!

We had training this week, which included mostly hospital training for HIPPA/Privacy junk, as well as emergency policies and procedures for the hospital (including a written test, yes, really) and a few other details that they want to make sure the volunteers are aware of. Following this short training session, our NICU support parents chatted and then went to the NICU unit for a tour. Most of the parents (5 families) had not seen the new unit - this unit was completed half way through my kids stay there so I was one of the fortunate ones who got to spend some time in the new and improved NICU. In any case, we went back. Being one of the more recent families that had been there, I didn't think twice about going back through those doors. Piece of cake right?

Ummm, hit me like a ton of bricks. As we started walking through, it was very quiet and not too many parents were there for some reason. The babies were all nestled in their isoletes and it was peaceful. As we approached "Cole's" room (he was the first baby ever to stay in that room since it was a new unit), I was blindsided by the memory of him being so frail and tiny. I suddenly was thrown back to how it felt to arrive in the evenings for our night visit and have to say goodbye to him for the night and leave. I remembered instantly that unsettled feeling that was there at all times that anything could go wrong - and sometimes did. Seeing those babies in their rooms with nobody there with them was heartbreaking. It was a reminder that my boys were those babies once and they spent the first 8-12 weeks of their lives in that place - while we came and went as often as we could; but we were not there 100% of the time either. That guilty feeling came rushing back.

I started to cry as we walked - kind of in a daze while all of these thoughts were rushing around in my head. It was then that I knew that I need to do this. I was glad in a way that these feelings came back - I think it will help when we actually do get to meet with these families. We've been there. We get it. We made it through and have beautiful children to show for it.

As a friend of mine said, we all share a common bond having been through such an experience in life. And it's a badge that you never would choose to wear, but now that I have it, I hope I can put it to good use and help some of the other parents that never imagined they would be where they are, in NICU.

I know one thing, I came home that evening and ran straight upstairs to see my sleeping boys. They have some such a long way - it's such a miracle.