Goodbye NICU

I've been meaning to post about this for a couple of weeks now and I just haven't had time to sit down and do it. You may remember that we took the boys back to NICU for a visit a couple of Saturday's ago (right around their birthday).

I don't really know why we did it - I guess just to show them off to the docs & nurses and to let them know again how much we appreciate everything that they did for our family. Plus, our little friend Jack who shared our room for so many weeks in NICU, was going back too. This was the first time we have seen Jack & his family since we left there last November.

It was awesome to see Jack & his parents - we bonded a lot during our long stay there. And it was so good to see their family flourishing and what proud parents they are. And we did see a couple of our favorite nurses who we didn't get to see the last time we were there. Dr. L was there who cared for the boys, as well as our favorite nurse practitioner.

But aside from seeing those people, the trip to the hospital was not good. I felt sick as I was driving in there. We got the kids unloaded and as we walked into the hospital, the smell took me back immediately to "those" days. This didn't happen the last time I was there....maybe because we were together as a family this time and it was a special anniversary of our return? As we waited to go into the NICU unit, I had butterflies in my tummy and the kids started to fuss. We were welcomed with open arms by everyone there that knew us, which was awesome. But it still didn't feel good.

As we stood there talking for 15-20 minutes to everyone, there were new parents coming in and out of the unit. I wanted the floor to swallow us up and make us disappear every time a family came in or out. I wanted to reach out and hug these Moms who had that sad, discouraged look on their face as they walked by our little pod of laughter and hugs. It's just not usually a happy place and to be there with such happiness didn't feel right. Although I do realize it could be a symbol of hope for the families that are now there with their small babies, it can also be rather painful for them to see. Especially for those whose babies might not have such a good prognosis and are hanging on to life by a thread.

I did notice that when we first walked in, it was eerily quiet. And slowly, nurses started coming out of their assigned rooms to see us. It was somber. On our way out, we ran into another nurse coming off of break and she mentioned that it had been a hard day that day - they had just lost a 24 weeker. It's been a tough month there - sadly they have lost several babies; I know of 2 over the last couple of months, and there are more that we don't even know about. My heart hurts for those families.

As if we weren't feeling heavy hearted already, hearing that made us realize again how fragile life is. And how fortunate we are. C & I looked at each other on our way out of the hospital and we didn't even have to say words to each other to understand what we both were thinking. That was officially our last visit to NICU. Once we got in the car, we both agreed (me, through tears) that we need close this chapter of our lives and continue moving forward. Looking back to those days is so painful. In a way that is really indescribable.

I will surely miss seeing our NICU nurses - they were like family to us. They held us up, cried with us and comforted us every single day. I wish there was a way to stay connected to them without having to visit the hospital. They left footprints on my heart that will never fade - each in their own way. There is a special place in heaven for those that care for preemies. You can see it in their eyes when they see my kids grown up now - they are like proud parents in a way - it must be so rewarding for them to know that they were so instrumental in bringing life into the world and allowing our little fledglings to flourish. My kids will always know how amazing their first nurses were...but sadly, they will never get to know them like we did. Thank you will never be enough. Closure is important with life events that are painful. For me, this is it.