A bend in the road...

Blogging isn’t as easy as it used to be. I started this blog as a way to let out my fears, hopes, dreams and feelings. It was just between me and Blogger.com. Then it turned into a way to keep my family & friends informed on what was happening with my pregnancy; then to the progress on the babies; then a documentary for my kids. And in less than 6 months, it's had over 21,000 hits. That is pretty amazing.

I've reached a point though that I feel like it’s so boring and uneventful. It’s strange – I think about blogging every day yet I don’t normally have anything to write about. In our world, life is normal now, THANK GOD. There is no drama (aside from the occasional bat or two, or a cat catching fiasco). Seriously, I feel so fulfilled and complete. And although there is always something exciting going on in our house, it’s just like everyone else’s. In our world, normal is something that I have strived for for a long, long time. I’m so thankful for it. And believe me, I’m more thankful for that than anyone can imagine. Considering what we went through at this time last year, it’s a breath of fresh air for us to operate as a normal family. I will never ever take that for granted again.

That said, I am sort of at a loss as to where to go next with my blog. I want to keep it up for the kids sake – but as they rapidly approach their first birthday, I can’t help but wonder how valuable it really will be for them someday? If you could see the amount of video and photos that I take on a daily basis, you might agree with me; the blog is just an “extra” and can’t possibly capture the memories that the photos and videos do. But I like blogging; and I like being able to express myself on “paper” so to speak. So, I won’t stop…but I need to refocus and figure out what my blog will be for. Maybe that will give me some direction.

A friend recently said to me “Having seen your boys in person and knowing that they are fine now, I am making myself stop checking your blog because I feel like I’m being nosey”. Although as the blog author, I by no means feel that anyone is being nosey (after all, I’m putting it out there for anyone to read), I can relate to that feeling. I check other blogs on a weekly basis too and it feels sorta funny sometimes knowing what is going on in other peoples lives so intricately. But in this day and age, the amount of people that ‘blog” is quite amazing. And people blog about ANYTHING. I have found some of my greatest support in other blogs where people have poured their hearts out and you somehow find comfort in knowing how other people handle certain things. It helps to teach lessons about life that you might not otherwise have learned. And there is something about reading a blog about someone who you have never met – yet you feel like you know them when you know as much as you do after reading their entries.

I recently came across a blog that a woman writes after having lost one of her twins. This woman is an amazing writer. And reading her blog has put so much into perspective for me. Rather, it has helped me to understand my own feelings during this time in my life and realize that this emotional confusion is normal. Being able to tap into someone else’s perspective on things (no matter what it might be) with the click of a mouse is a pretty cool thing if you think about it. It really is.

My kids are my pride and joy. My life now revolves around them. And I don’t want it any other way. But there is more to life than “the kids”. And I feel that I have learned so much over the last year of my life that I need to try to articulate it a little better than just posting updated photos of my children. They have taught me life’s lessons in a very short time – and I want to find a way to share that. If nothing else, to continue the journey for the kids sake but let them know about the life’s lessons that are out there waiting for them.

The other issue that bothers me a lot is that I have some followers that are still on their quest to have children. It pains me that they continue to check back on my blog and see happy faces full of laughter; yet they are still trying for their own. I know that sometimes that can restore some hope, but I’ve been there before and I know how painful it can be at the same time. Many of my lessons were learned along that part of my journey as well; and I will never forget that.

I almost feel a sense of relief just writing about this since it’s been bothering me for weeks. I keep the blog updates going for the sake of some of my out of town family and friends. But it hasn’t been nearly as meaningful and fulfilling as it once was. It’s time to go back to square one…hopefully my focus can change a bit in the coming weeks. Stay tuned…