Grief waits

It's true what they say about grief. If you don't deal with it when it happens, it won't go away, it waits. Anyone who has gone through grief over loss, or anything else for that matter, would probably agree. This week has been particularly hard for some reason. It's all catching up to me. There isn't an hour that goes by that I haven't thought about Cal or cried because I miss him. I can't find a very logical explanation for why now, other than, my grief waited and now it's here.

I attended a memorial prayer service last week for lost babies; perhaps that triggered it. Or maybe it's that we're finally settling into a routine and it's glaringly obvious to me at times that he's missing. There seems to be a hole in my heart. It hurts.

It's that mixed blessing thing again. I look at JD & Cole in amazement and am so thankful that they are with us and doing so well. But moments behind those thoughts these days are thoughts about Calvin and how come he couldn't have made it too. Why did he have to go to heaven so early? For the last many, many weeks we've been concentrating so much on Cole & JD and making sure that they are healthy and happy; it was easy to push the sad thoughts away and fill my days with the busyness that is called life. And it's only going to get busier as the days go on. Especially at the end of the month when I "officially" return to work. Maybe that is why my heart hurts so much now - it's time to get it out and do some healing that needs to be done.

My heart bursts with love when I hold my boys and I've never experienced such a content happy complete feeling. Yet at the same time, it sometimes feels incomplete. I know that this feeling will probably fade with time, but I also know that I will never, ever forget my baby Calvin and his sweet face. The intensity of these thoughts varies by day; but I can usually turn my tears to a smile when I remember that he's watching over all of us and keeping tabs on his brothers. After all, he is the reason that Cole & JD are with us today. Our angel.