Birthday hangover

You guys turned 9 yesterday. I still don't know how this happened. It really feels like just yesterday you were born. As all of us Moms say, I wish there was a way to slow down time.

I woke up early (no surprise) yesterday feeling very heavy. Heavy heart, heavy head and just generally out of sorts. I know why. But I was hoping I could talk myself out of it and put on my happy face for you both since afterall, birthdays are the BEST, especially for 9 year olds. I did my best. With a lump in my throat all day and on the verge of tears at any second. We were busy all day with soccer so that helped. But anytime I had a few minutes alone, the tears just came. As hard as I tried to hold them back, they came.  I sat in the grocery store parking lot a little while later in the day and just sobbed. It felt good.

It's Calvin I miss so much. As the years go, it never fades. August 29 is such a bittersweet day and it's just so hard to figure out how to cope. I want to enjoy the day for my living kids sakes - you both are such miracles and gifts. And you absolutely LOVE your birthday, like any other kids.  But it's also the day that part of my heart went to heaven.  That part of my heart will never heal completely - and I know that. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

When I woke up today, I felt lighter. A LOT lighter. I can smile again today without crying. The 29th came and went - and we forge on to have another banner year ahead. Your ninth year will undoubtedly bring lots of new milestones and fun. All the while I always wonder about that brother of yours - what would he be like; and I'm sad we are missing out on another Licameli boy.  Calvin, continue to watch over us and help us be the best we can be. You are still our little hero boy - and I can't wait to see you someday when we get to meet again.